I don’t think we need to watch tonight since they closed down the restaurant last week, so we can all go eat some cake and take a nap.
Damn, I wish I’d made a cake.
Anyway, the stupid restaurant will probably reopen, and some untalented people will cook some shit, or try to cook some shit, and get yelled at. Martyr B is still in it as is Shiv, so at least there’s the potential for some violence before Redneck takes it all.
9:00: Viewer discretion is advised: This show will be loud, confused and boring. Last week, lots of people sucked, but no one sucked as badly as That Guy, who got the boot just as I learned his name. Which is actually fine, because now I can forget it again. JP was nice to someone, which was disappointing. And then Ramsay closed the restaurant down, which was supposed to be shocking, or something.
9:03: Fatty has a breakdown when he thinks his dream is being snatched away. The restaurant is closed…because they’re all going to the Borgata. I thought about putting an exclamation point after that sentence, but opted not to. Fatty almost faints. He is a red, sweaty motherfucker.
9:05: The Borgata jet comes for them. Martyr B: “Here you are at the end of the tunnel, and the end of the tunnel sends you transportation.” I’m pretty sure you’re describing the trip across the river Styx.
Although, Atlantic City has always seemed like a hellish wasteland to me, so maybe it’s an apt description.
9:06: Borgata Babes: VOMIT. HORK.
9:09: Wolfgang Puck has a restaurant at the Borgata so you know it’s good, because he is NOT a sellout.
They take them to see the restaurant they would be getting. It’s a big empty room. Whoo.
Fatty’s restaurant will have a big Cadillac coming out of the wall over the bar. Which is totally original, because I’ve never heard of the Hard Rock Cafe.
OH MY GOD I CANNOT TAKING THESE FUCKING BORGATA BABES. What century are we living in? Wait, I shouldn’t judge. I’m sure they’re all very empowered and are expressing their personal sexuality, which has developed in a vacuum free of all patriarchal influence. Please, someone, poke my eyes out. Do it quickly.
9:12: Fatty leaves dinner with the executive chef of the Borgata to seek medical attention. His blood pressure is 160/100 which…whoa. Also, that’s what you get for insulting New Jersey.
9:16: Fatty is in the hospital, potentially having a heart attack. He calls Martyr B, who could not be any less reassuring on the phone, possibly because he’s secretly hoping Fatty will bite it.
Redneck: “Do you think Fatty is better?” Martyr B: “I hope he will be, but I don’t think he is.” Nice.
9:17: Fatty’s back, to tell them he’s leaving because he has pericardisomethingsomething, which leads to heart disease. I almost feel bad about making fun of him, but not really because I’m not a nice person.
Fatty montage, in which he hear a line that I missed because I haven’t watched the whole season: “You ain’t a man until you’ve used a loofah.” Tru dat.
9:20: Challenge: Create a signature dish that will be the highlight of your restaurant at the Borgata. Win, get immunity. Martyr B says his dish, which does not yet exist, is better than anything that is served at any of the restaurants at the Borgata.
I hate him.
9:22: Redneck: scallops with citrus-champagne sauce. Shiv: Green tea crusted tuna, kimchi. (SHUT THE FUCK UP, MARTYR). Paula, AKA Too Boring For A Nickname : Smoked salmon ceviche.
9:24: Martyr B: Prawns, mango, some other crap. There’s a shrimp tail on the plate for no reason, yet he did it on purpose. Ramsay shrewdly notes that it might have been smarter to put the fucking SHRIMP on the plate and not the inedible tail. But his dish is better than anything that’s ever been served to anyone anywhere, so I’m sure that will work out really well for him.
9:29: Winner: Shiv.
Martyr is pissed because Andrea should be the next to go and not him. He is the TOP DOG. Which is why he has to go on a bad reality show to make it, instead of being able to make it in real life. Also, I hate him.
9:32: Redneck is SO STONED all the time. I love it.
9:33: Did you know Chef Ramsay yells a lot? Apparently, it can be intimidating according to Martyr B.
Dull girl is holding her food back while she waits for another plate, on the theory that it’s nice when the whole table is served at the whole time. Novel! So of course, she gets in trouble.
9:36: Martyr B is cracking before our eyes AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.
He gets a reaming, but he’s not a donkey: he’s a DIRTY PIG. Also a lot of curse words. He’s booted from the kitchen, because he’s dangerous during service. His main problem seems to be that he talks a lot. I assume the danger is that loose lips sink ships.
9:38: Ramsay interlude: Fan mail. “Why do you curse so much?” Ramsay: “If you had to put up with what I put up with, you’d fucking curse too. Fucking letter.” Bless his little heart.
9:41: Did Ramsay just call Martyr a “donut”? Because that might be even better than donkey.
9:44: Dull girl is secretly kicking everyone’s ass, while Shiv is trying to kill the guests with raw fish.
Redneck gets no screen time at all, I assume because he’s not an incompetent. Or because they don’t want to show him continually getting the giggles and sneaking Doritos under the table.
9:46: Commercial: The University of Phoenix: Where education goes to die. Canada: Where people go to scream and/or get attacked by seals. Sign me up!
9:50: Dull girl: Nose job, or massive nose job?
The have to collectively decide which 2 people are up for elimination. Martyr B: “There’s a piece of me that DIES when I have to put you (Redneck and Dull Girl) on the chopping block.” Solution: Kill Martyr B, and no one has to go.
9:53: Nominees: Martyr B and Dull Girl. But wait…Ramsay sends Dull Girl back and calls Shiv up to the block. SHOCKING. Again, I could have put an exclamation point after that, but it didn’t deserve it because it was the complete antithesis of shocking.
9:56: Shiv sucked. She was the cause of Martyr B sucking, although I’m fairly sure he’s able to suck quite badly on his own.
Shiv is…safe, because Ramsay is a man of his word.
9:57: Martyr B does not get the boot, because Ramsay wants to wake up with a clean conscience. DAMMIT. I’m sure he could just take some tranqs and he’d have a fine night’s sleep.
NEXT WEEK: Everyone sucks and then Chef Ramsay “has a thought.” He has time to have thoughts between all the cursing? He’s a true multitasker. And then someone’s dream gets shattered. Finally.
Thank God your sarcastic ass is around for this crap. I have a Ramsey additction and I think rock bottom is right around the corner.
In the UK, we get Hells Kitchen USA (it started off in the UK, so that is “regular” Hells Kitchen).
I have had the (mis)fortune to watch the USA one (probably a few months after you) and it is hilarious. Compared to the UK one, it is even more scripted and obviously overacted. Ramsay is an arse in this country (check this post on him… http://ataleoftwotummies.blogspot.com/2008/11/if-he-really-likes-you-he-might-call.html) but in the US one it is hilarious how much of a pantomime villain he is!!
And what is with all the “Chef Ramsay” – they are allowed to call him Gordon in the UK!
It’s true, your blog is the ONLY interesting thing that happens… so now I’m probably stuck watching next week just so I can enjoy your fine beat-down. I had managed till now to avoid the show and just read this, but… I really really wanted the image of fat dude and shiv to round out the joy.
bless you, bless you, bless you…..you make watching it all worthwhile….
god I’m so glad I opted not to watch this show and just read this…this is way better
rachelle, rock bottom is here. rock bottom was three weeks ago. there is no point in this show that is not rock bottom. that’s the horrifying miracle of it.
ryan, if it were me, i would call him gord-o.
it’s sad, because even not having seen the UK original, you can tell how terribly scripted and over the top it is. one more notch on the belt of “british television shows we have imported and managed to utterly destroy.” only the office has made it so far. i quake in my boots for the coming US AbFab.
cynic, you know what they look like now, so you don’t have toe watch anymore.
sandwich, i don’t know; i don’t think i can turn it into a worthwhile experience all by my lonesome.
jodi, it was more fun to write than to actually watch the show. next week, maybe i’ll just start making crap up.
Michelle- Please tell me there is no US AbFab in the works. Please. Pretty please. I might die a little inside. That is one of my all-time favorite shows.
rebecca, i’m sorry. i really am. really, really.
Maybe you should liveblog that! There should be plenty of material. Who’ll they get to play Saffy? Miley Ray Cyrus?