So NBC’s canceled The Chopping Block after only 3 episodes, and I can’t say I’m sorry. Do you know how hard it was to take that heap of reality show detritus and try doing something with it? It was like trying to move a pile of sand with a sieve, only more futile, and by the way the sand is somehow sentient and spouts meaningless pseudo-sand-philosophy at you while you’re working.
This does, however, leave a void in my Wednesday nights again. Ergo, a proposition. Take some time to peruse the prospectus at your leisure, then Choose My Adventure. (It’s unfortunate that Sandra Lee isn’t on in prime time, because then this would be a no brainer.)
Option One: I give up, and learn to deal with the emptiness. Perhaps I could take a Wednesday night Tai Chi class, or go for long walks in the park to steal toys and candy from children. It’s Easter season, so the candy theft should prove exceptionally lucrative.
Option Two: I defer dealing with the void. The Smackdown temporarily moves to Wednesdays, as it will next week. (Yes, because of the ER finale. Shut up.) Thursdays, I liveblog the remainder of the season of Hell’s Kitchen, feverishly hoping that Ramsey will refer to someone as “a fucking donkey,” as he did last year. At season’s end, we return to our normal schedule. I then work through the emptiness.
Option Three: The Smackdown stays where it is, I liveblog an episode of Ted Allen’s Chopped and then I kill myself, because god that show is awful. Since I’ll be dead, I won’t have to worry about working through the emptiness.
Choose wisely, ‘ere you drink from the wrong cup, begin aging rapidly, are the victim of terribly primitive special effects and wind up a pile of Nazi dust on the floor of the Grail-keeper’s hiding room; please also bear in mind the number of therapy sessions I will require to deal with the confrontation or denial of the void. My co-pay is $30.
Thank you.
ONE YEAR AGO: Thursday Night Smackdown Redemption Burgers
Thursday Night Smackdown 
How about invisible option 4: you switch to the BBC channel and watch/blog about Kitchen Nightmares, thus keeping the angry chef theme and the Gordan Ramsey theme, and further engaging your frequenters from across the pond (I’m not one of them…I’m safely on this side of the pond, but I do love learning those new and amazing British curses). This also decreases the chances of you becoming “enlightened” or “at peace with emptiness” or any of that other BS.
I only watched it once and thought it sucked. Returned to watching the mind-numbing Top Model.
I vote for something Ramsey-related.
I vote option 2. And if you haven’t seen baby Gordon Ramsey on Youtube, I suggest you do so post haste. Ever seen a 6 year old call someone a fucking donkey? It’s better than even seeing Ramsey himself screech it at some unsuspecting sweaty fat man in chef whites.
Here’s another vote for option 2. There’s no rant like a Ramsay rant!
the better adventure? that would be watching LOST like so many of us addicted, brain damaged masses. If you had to blog it, you could tell us what they are eating, if it looks any good, a suggested recipe, or if they just ate a deadly plant.
No, there really isn’t that much food to blog about on Lost. There is some, often canned. I was just surprised that you didn’t share my Wednesday night addiction.
I’m thinking option two. Chopped is horrible- more horrible than the void.
(Still secretly wishing for something Sandra Lee related… We have a Semi-HOmade drinking game in our house. Highly recommended.)
Sigh. Why can’t they ALL be Top Chef caliber?! None of the ones on right now satisfy properly. I say you tape your own cooking reality show, the twist being all the chefs are kittens, post it on you tube and then live blog that shit. Get a brown kitty with a bindi for Padma, a Mexican hairless for Tom and Josea, and maybe a fugly kitten that likes to cuddle too much and talk in a baby voice for Leah. Pure fucking gold.
Quick, someone PLEASE give Sandra Lee a cocktail, er, a prime-time program 🙂 Okay, that said, I vote for liveblogging Hell’s Kitchen. It’s not a *great* show, but Gordon does kick Marco’s ass every single time. And yes, although I’ve heard Ted Allen is a really nice guy, that show is HORRENDOUS.
i definitely vote against the void. i don’t watch reality TV, so i’m not much help ater that, i’m afraid. i actually tried to watch this chopping block thing…i’m glad to hear that they aren’t ALL that bad. the BBC thing sounds fun, if only to hear them talk about rashers of bacon, aubergines, swedes, and other foods of that sort.
I’d love to see you live blog Hell’s Kitchen. But stealing toys and candy from children can be so much fun as well. 😉
I wasn’t aware that The Chopping Block was canceled. I watched the first two episodes and was bored to tears. When we forgot to record the third episode, I didn’t even notice and couldn’t care less.
I’m good with either option 2 or the BBC. I don’t like the idea of you dealing with emptiness, because it’s so much fun when you deal with most anything else and blog about it. Have not seen Chopped, do not plan to see Chopped, but will faithfully read your blog until it sends you into permanent depression and you quit writing, but I really hope you don’t take that route.
I vote for ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ because I need some weekly cooking competition and I also have come to depend on the liveblogging mockery that gives my snarkiness an outlet.
holly, would that i could, but my cable package does not include the BBC and i can’t afford the one that does. believe me, if i had it, i would never have started watching this piece of shit show in the first place.
syd, liveblogging top model is too much to ask of anyone. i urge you, read a book instead. even a trashy one. save the top model for the marathons on MTV, when you can get it all overwith at once.
bev, i watched 2 episodes of that show and it just didn’t do anything for me. no matter how many people try to convince me that i will, in fact, like it, i just don’t.
leena, i would totally do it with puppy chefs and go all cute overload all up on that shit. i will pwn you tube. although i don’t know if i want to be branded as “that internet lady who forces baby animals to wear toques.”
burkie and kay, pigs will fly before i succumb to the void and cease spewing profanity all over the internet. even if all i can do is post a picture of a big mac and the word “fuck,” i will be here.
rebecca, i hear you.
everyone, rest assured that even if i end up with an empty wednesday, i am not giving in to the darkness. for those of you who like to keep track of my current mental health state for the insanity pool you’re running: i’ve made a decision to go off a med that is proving to be a VERY VERY GOOD DECISION. tonight i feel – dare i say it – chipper. it’s a whole new world.
I vote for Chopped. I don’t mind it as much as you do (with no more Top Chef, I watch Chopped instead of looking at the void looking back at me). But even if you hate it, that’s just good entertainment. You could out-snark one of the queer-eyes any day of the week. Profanity-laden sarcasm is the perfect balance to Ted’s 1950’s newsreel announcer style.
I vote option 2. Enlightenment is overrated, and your blog provides a consistent bright spot in a life in which the bright spot is usually the train at the other end of the tunnel. Sorry, I’ve only just crawled out from under my barstool. Still, I’m not so drunk that option 2 doesn’t make most sense. I also vote that we fuck the big mac.
I’m down with the Hell’s Kitchen business. My fiance was horrified when I told him that I’m attracted to Ramsay. Yet, I don’t actually want to meet him. Stop judging me. It’s a perfectly reasonable crush. And I love his cookbook Healthy Appetite (all successes so far). It helps that he didn’t write it. You’re still judging me. I can tell.
2
I am thinking tai chi and candy.
I believe that option two would be the least likely to provoke hair-tearing-out on your part, though it might make me go into withdrawal between Thursday and Sunday.
I’d like you to keep you hair though. Good cooks and writers seem to typically have hair.
Look at Thomas Keller. Dude has great hair.
Ramsey me baby!
Liveblogging Hell’s Kitchen would definitely keep you in swear words, you know, in case you were going to run out.
I vote for hell’s kitchen.
Emily,how does the semi homemade drinking game work?
Oh, please, do the dreadful Chopped. It would be a public service. WHY does every vegetarian chef complain when there’s meat? WHY do they give them fifteen minutes to roast a chicken, then complain when the food is raw? SOMEBODY has to explain!
Ramsey, please!
Lisa-
You drink every time Sandra Lee says the following words:
sweet (twice for ‘super sweet’)
decadent
Fuh-Lavor (humans say ‘flavor’)
cocktail time
and of course: TABLESCAPE
Also, chug when she starts a mashed potato recipe by saying “buy a tub of mashed potatoes.”
Drink when she cuts an angel food cake in half and smears some shit on the inside of it.
The possibilities for drunkeness are as endless as cocktail time at Sandra’s place.
peter and floret, do you really want to hurt me? i mean, i’ll do it if i have to, but luckily it looks like you’re being handily outvoted.
assuming it stays on the air long enough i’ll do one episode just for you once hell’s kitchen is done.
kaitlyn, i will rip out none of my hair regardless of which option if chosen, because i? have fucking awesome hair.
emily, i would also drink for “i hope you make it because i WISH that you could taste it” and any time packaged salad dressing spice blends are used. because it’s so fucking hard to mix actual spices yourself. the horror.
ever since the day she made “truffles” out of canned chocolate frosted mixed with confectioners’ sugar (because the canned frosting is obviously not sweet enough), my agita has been out of control.
Michelle, you should look up her “recipe” for Kwanza cake if you haven’t heard about it already. Talk about the horror…
I actually made one of her dishes once- white chocolate polenta- because we had a little white chocolate left over from my husband baking one of of Nigella’s cakes. It actually wasn’t bad. The white chocolate just replaced butter in the recipe- not that butter should ever be replaced in any recipe, but this is a drunken nut bar we’re talking about here…