Final 3.  Bug-eyed awesome lady.  Fairly useless guy from Colorado.  Douchebag from Finland.  Not that I am in any way biased.  I will have ongoing backup of the post, so if Bluehost craps out again just wait ’til the end and the whole post should be up in short order, and you can read it while you watch the 11:00 re-run (though we’ve made it 2 weeks in a row, so fingers crossed).

LAST WEEK:  We lost my boy, but I’m getting over that.  Carla continues being the dark horse.  Hosea sucked slightly less than usual.

10:02: Close up of Carla doing yoga = AWESOME SHOT.  She does an excellent sun salutation. Then breakfast on a boat. Whoo.

Stefan and Hosea are SO IN LOVE it’s not even funny. Right? Get a damn room.

10:03: FINAL CHALLENGE: 3 courses, make whatever you want, you’re cooking in Commander’s Palace. And here come the sous…

Blais, Marcel and Casey, finalists from past seasons.  Who would you pick? I admit it, I’d pick Marcel.  I wanted Marcel to win his season, partly because I secretly liked him and partly because Ilan was such a waste of space who took up valuable air the rest of us could have been breathing.

Blais is probably the better chef, but I can’t get past the fact this restaurant is called “Trail-Blais.”

10:05: Stefan picks Marcel: “He’s a bit of a twat, but so what?”  Hosea doesn’t pick Marcel precisely BECAUSE Marcel reminds him of Stefan.  And he doesn’t want to be distracted by latent man-love.

10:06: Hosea, Stefan, fois gras rumble.  I’m only sadder it didn’t get past the yelling phase.  You know it would have turned from a fist fight into a long, passionate kiss.

Were those scallops in a TIN?  Is that normal?

10:07: SEVEN MINUTES IN AND THE WEBSITE IS FREAKING OUT ALREADY GODDAMN IT.  Looks like we’re up and down tonight.  Stick with me.

Carla is paired with Casey, who convinces her to sous vide…tho she’s never done it before.  My advice: Trust the hootie hoo.  Casey does not understand the hootie hoo.  Do not suggest that she veer.

I’m worried for my girl.

10:13: Interlude.  Voodoo tarot card reader.  He continues his useless crush on Jamie.  SHE IS A GIANT SAN FRANCISCO DYKE.  GET OVER IT.  Also, he admits to using voodoo dolls on Carla and Hosea.  Because he is a bigger douche than I thought.  Does he know that voudon is an actual, real, religion?  I’m guessing no.

10:15: Alec Baldwin Hulu Commercial = hilarity..  Alec Baldwin anything pretty much = hilarity at this point.

10:18:TWIST! I love a twist.  Oh, did I say that? I meant FUCK THESE FUCKING TWISTS.

Everyone has to make an appetizer.  Someone has to cook alligator.  How do we decide? King’s cake.  It has a baby hidden inside, everyone has to scarf a slice and find the baby. Not a real baby, we’re not seeking King Solomon’s wisdom herel just a little baby charm.

Still…that’s not creepy at all, New Orleans.

The winner picks his/her protein and then assigns the rest. Hosea gets the baby and takes red snapper.  Guess what?  Stefan gets the alligator!  Carla ends up with crabs.

10:19: Get your minds out of the gutter.

10:20: Stefan is making alligator soup.  Which sucks, but you know what else sucks? THOSE FREAKING CRABS ARE ALIVE and one of them bit my girl.  I will cut that crab.

My girl is also feeling rushed.  More worry, although I also know the editors are not to be trusted.

I’m missing all the courses, but I assume I’ll get to those when they actually, you know, serve the food.

10:22: Casey:  SHUT UP.  LEAVE CARLA ALONE.  There is a reason you didn’t win, yes?  And that Carla has been nailing shit every week for the past 3 or 4 weeks?  Ignore her, please.  She can chop shit for you. And that’s it.

Does anyone get the sense that even Marcel thinks that Stefan is kind of a douche?  That’s rough.

10:24: Stephanie Izard and Betty in one commercial.  Stab me in the ear with a fork now.  Just the left one, because it’s closer to the television and I’d like to keep the use of one of them.

Also, I really do apologize on behalf of my terrible, terrible hosts.  They are terrible.  Really.  They used to just irritate me, but now I actively hate them.

10:29: Judges = fucking awesome, except for DiSpirito! Susan Spicer!  John Besh!  Hubert Keller! FABIO!! Branford Marsalis!  A bunch of Commander’s Palace people I don’t know or really care about!

I want to stick Hubert Keller in the pocket that is not currently occupied by Jacques Pepin.

They love Hosea’s redfish, and out comes Stefan’s alligator soup, also loved. Then Carla.  More love.

10:32: First course. There is a lot going on on Hosea’s plate.  They’re going a little fast. Carla’s got a kind of deconstructed bouillabaisse, which is also loved.

Stefan made halibut carpaccio.  Stefan and Hosea were a little bland but EVERYONE LOVES CARLA. Suck on that!

SLOW DOWN, EDITORS.  If there’s one episode where I’d forgive you for going over time, it would be the goddamn finale.

10:33: Second course.  Stefan has squab.  Carla has meat and potatoes, but it is the best looking meat and potatoes ever.  Hosea, again, has a lot going on, and maybe there’s some some foie overload.

CAAAAASEY! I shake my fist at you – you have destroyed Carla’s love.  Everyone rejects the sous vide (Casey’s contribution) and loves the sauce (Carla’s work).  Therefore I must detest Casey eternally, because my love of Carla has grown to slightly disturbing proportions.

10:34: Rocco is tired of foie.  Everyone else thinks he’s a moron, although they don’t say it out loud.  Gail rolls her eyes so hugely that they disappear entirely into the back of her skull and I worry for a minute about whether they’re making it back.

10:36: Carla’s souffle failed. And whose idea was souffle? CASEY.  Who wanted to do a tart?  CARLA?  Who is good at making tart and pastry crust? CARLA.

The defense rests.

Whoa, okay, I hate Stefan but I want that plate of that dessert even if it’s not all fancy pants. Maybe it’s just my love of lollipops.  Hosea’s got venison and “carbonated blackberries.”  I really have to ask: what’s the point?  Sometimes I get the molecular gastronomy.  Sometimes I do not.  This time?  Not.

10:39: Deliberations.  The venison is safe.  The dessert is dated.  Carla is clearly going to lose because of CASEY.

Don’t HUG her! She’s ruined you!  I’m trying not to hate.

But I do. I do.

10:41: Hosea might actually take this.  And it hurts me, it really does.  I hate to say it, but I would rather see Stefan if I can’t have Carla.

10:44:  JUDGE’S TABLE.  Carla’s appetizer was beloved, as was the first course.  And then the second course started to go downhill. CASEY.

And finally, the case of the missing souffle:  Not her original idea for a final course.  CASEY.

10:46: Hosea:  Appetizers through courses one, two and three are pretty much a hit, although 2 is a little questionable.  Gail is baffled by the blackberries, as was I.

10:48: Freezing the fish = should have trusted Marcel.  Not a sentence you hear every day.  Th squab perfectly represents the Stefan possibly because it was over cabbage, which he made almost as often as Jamir made scallops.

His sessert.  Gail: “Is that dessert the last thing you want to leave us with?”  Stefan: “Yes.” End of story.  Good one.

Stefan, why should you be top chef?  “Because I deserve it.”  Convincing!

10:50: Carla is crying, because she knows that she should have just gone with her gut.  And do you know whose fault that is?  I will give you two guesses.

Answer: CASEY.

10:51: Hootie hoo is out.  And I am immediately disinterested.

I’m trying really hard to be interested in the judges’ back-and-forth about Hosea and Stefan.  I’m having a very hard time caring.  I mean, a REALLY hard time.  Hosea seems like he’s pulling ahead because the judges finally recognize that Stefan has no soul.

And if it’s Hosea?  99% of the people in the betting pool are immediately out of the running.

10:57: Essence of deliberations: Carla has the love. Hosea is slow but steady. Stefan is as bipolar as I am.

There’s no sub-booting: Hosea is the Top Chef. He seems more excited that he beat Stefan than that he actually won.


Casey is my nemesis.

The end.

Thanks for sticking it out all season, blackouts and all! I’ve had a great time, and I hope you have too.  See you next week for the finger-pointing recriminations that are the reunion, and the announcement of the betting pool winner.