You know, I really don’t have to write this stupid blog anymore, because I’m on the brink of immense wealth. Check out this awesome offer I got today. It’s the best Valentine’s Day ever!
“Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars($U.S8,500000) was deposited some years ago by my late father, he made me the sole beneficiary/next of kin to the money. I am now asking you to stand on my behalf to make this claim for the bank , I am a young girl and too young in age i can’t handle this can of transaction, i want you to stand as my foreign partner oversea and also to help me on investment of the money am ready to offer you 35%of this money has your own interest once you help me in claiming the money from the bank . I will give you details about the deposit as you respond to my request.”
I keep getting this email, sometimes more than once a day.which means they’re getting pretty desperate for help. So I’m going in for the kill!
It’s the weekend and Valentine’s Day, so a Frig? was inevitable. Problem is, people seem to really like Valentine’s Day, and coming up with the content was a challenge. But I pulled through like a champ – I mean, there’s a reason the Cote d’Ivoire lady keeps coming to me, because she knows I can make things happen – to bring you the following.
Product the First: Marmite
What says “I love you” more than a heart-shaped jar of spreadable yeast extract, a by-product of beer brewing?
I will make a disclaimer: I have never had Marmite, or its cousins Vegemite (Australian) or Cenovis (Swiss), but I have been in the presence of much beer brewing, and virtually nothing that is part of the beer-making process or post- process* is anything I would ever want to spread on toast. There’s a reason people visiting London eat mostly Indian food.
Marmite: Love or Hate? If your hypothetical Valentine gave you this, would any sexual favors be forthcoming? Please explain.
*FYI, these all have very funny names like “krausen” and “sparge” and “mashtun.” Sparge is my personal favorite, and I’m going to start using it as an insult. You fucking sparge.
Product the Second
It’s not so much the theory of the product that gets me – some people are into both bondage and gummi candy, and I’m not going to pass judgment on that.
No, much like Mr. Sprinkles the Soul-Sucking Clown, it’s the packaging that’s killing me here. Because call me crazy, but this doesn’t look like a product aimed at the BDSM crowd, and I’m not so sure I want my 6-year-old (You know, if i had one. Or if I’d borrowed one for the day, or something) grabbing this as we walk down the candy aisle (Not that I would feed your child candy).
Where do you place this product? Who is the demographic? What is the appeal of squeeeeeezing your hands through the little cuffs, only to have your wrists be all sticky and your partner’s breath smell like Extreme Watermelon Blast?
I reject this.
If your hypothetical valentine gave you this, would sexual favors be forthcoming, or would you immediately dump him/her be s/he is clearly a perv?
Product the Third
Less a creepy product, more a useful tool that you can use today to delight friends and family: a make-your-own-candy-heart maker. All the fun messaging, none of having to eat the powdery, gross candy. You can create a collection to mix things up:
Or you can go for the single for major punch:
Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.
I replied to an email like that once from someone who claimed to be a princess, but she never wrote anything back. Do you think I’ll eventually hear from her, or do you think I’m screwed?
Here’s the original email, for your reference.
I will never be able to see the name “Marmite” without thinking “varmint.” God knows why. Similarly, I will never, EVER be able to separate the name “Vegemite” from the Men at Work song. Curse of the ’80s.
Happy fuckin’ Valetine’s Day to you, too.
Um, I meant “Valentine’s.” With an “n.” This is the problem with outing yourself as an editor–everyone is only too quick to pick up on your mistakes. IT’S THE WINE, OKAY? I’m not usually tipsy when I’m being paid to edit documents.
Marmite makes me think of a small furry animal. I’m not sure why. It sounds singularly unappetizing.
I ate at Austrian Village tonight — bratwurst, spaetzle and red cabbage, which may not sound like much of a V-day dinner to you but it was absolutely wonderful to me, because I can’t get that stuff in Memphis since the lone German restaurant closed. Damn, but it was good.
Kay: Probably because it sounds like marmot?
OMG Michelle, where do you find these things? The handcuffs are priceless and I would posit the same questions….exactly to whom are you marketing this and where, and WHY would you want sticky wrists? Is this some new fetish I’m unaware of?
Note to self: study up on new fetish (after all, if it involves candy how bad can it be)….
Happy fucking Valentines day to you and Brian too. Will there be candy handcuffs involved?
What?! Oh my god, I got an e-mail a couple of weeks ago notifying me that a relative in Albania has left me 37 million dollars. What a coincidence, LOL!
Vegemite is nasty…I think I had a tiny nibble of it and spit it out. I can’t believe some people spread it on toast like butter.
bowl, you have to wait until the 13th or 14th email, until you know know one else if going to help them and they really NEEEED you. then, i bet they come through. plus, you got a princess. i bet someone jumped on that one before you could. i just had an underage girl, i can exploit the desperation.
what will i buy first? i think a bigger apartment, with a special room just for a bunch of ovens and my new industrial hobart standing mixer.
kristin, no no, i’m sure you’re a GREAT editor. also, i don’t think anyone is able to pry vegemite/men at work apart anymore.
kay, you are totally right.
anna, i don’t know where i find all these things, and sometimes i scare myself.
tanya, hooray for both of us! we should get together and have a “new millionaires” party!
girl you are out of control and i think it’s great!!! i hate V-day too, but i had a great one yesterday, surprisingly…
I take it you don’t watch Flight of the Conchords? The manager of the band sent all the band’s money to the Nigerian and it turned out to be real!
Kate – I was just thinking of that! So funny.
Dude, I have a mountain of (semi-legally imported) Marmite, if you or Brian are up for a taste sensation I can supply you!
PS: you do either ‘Love it or Hate it’
Hey! It’s Sunday! No brunch? I’ve been sitting in freakin’ airport boarding areas waiting for late planes, and there is NO BRUNCH in TNS? Damn good thing I didn’t have spend the night…I’m desolate enough as it is….Where is my BRUNCH?????
There was a Vegemite census last year with some *interesting* statistics:
I prefer mine on toast with a poached egg on top, delish.
Um, marmite is disgusting. But Vegemite? Yum yum, gimme some. Make your V Day that little bit sweeter by using Vegemite (or marmite, if you’re desperate) to make my Vegemite caramel. It tastes a shitload better than you think it would…
Would an Aussie lie?
instead of Happy fuckng Valentine’s day, i’ll just say…Fuck Valentine’s!
i would SO chew my way out of gummi cuffs..mmmm
Please continue to write this very non-stupid blog. It is my one spot of shininess in an otherwise dull and listless day.
Oh, please. I was in Australia recently and Vegemite is a trap for the unwary. Blech! Only if accompanied by a red or pink toothbrush and mouthwash in a heart-shaped bottle. And maybe several sparkly jewels and lots of chocolates.
I’m way late to the party, but I had to say that Marmite is one of the nastiest things I have ever put in my mouth, take that as you will. I had a roommate from England who used to eat Marmite and peanut butter sandwiches and was just curious enough to try it. Blech!
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