I don’t really remember what is supposed to happen this week, although I’ve been having dreams about Leah being literally thrown under a bus all week.  No, I’m here to warn you that it is inevitable that something is going to go screwy with the site, probably more than once, during this episode.  WordPress doesn’t like processing multiple comments at once (Although it’s not that many so I don’t really get it – are you all commenting at the SAME EXACT SECOND during commercials? If so, cut it out.), and my host insists that I’m exceeding my CPU usage during these hours, which I’m pretty sure can only be the case if they have a single server on which they’re hosting every single one of the world’s 11 million blogs.

Anyway, I’m trying to decide on a new host but in the meantime we all have to suffer, me included because every time it happens I want to send death rays through my wireless router to Bluehost. Sorry.

10:00: Last Week: Eric Ripert may or may not be a very handsome robot. Stefan won again.  Jamie got booted, not without reason, but leaving us with the execrable Leah.

10:02: Cooking is the only thing Leah can do really well.

Tragic.  Because, you know, she sucks.

10:03:  Quickfire: Wylie Dufresne is here.  Brian: “The “D” is for douchebag.”

Wylie is obsessed with eggs and egg cookery.  I love the word “cookery,” I think because it makes me think of Julia Child.  They have one hour to cook and access to eggs from every animal that lays eggs.  If you can’t deal with proper egg cookery in a whole hour, you deserve to go.

Every moment that the site doesn’t crash is like a tiny victory.

10:04: FABIO! is going all molecular gastronomy on our asses.  Also he pronounces Dufresne Du-frez-nee.  Because that’s how you would pronounce it in Italy.  Sigh.

Stefan is clever: panna cotta with fruit inside so it will look like a poached egg.  Damn.

Carla is making green eggs and ham because she is, literally, a Dr. Seuss character.  But I have a feeling about her.  I’m not actually sure if that’s good or bad.

10:07: Leah makes bacon hollandaise. It would make me like her, except I already hate her.

Carla: success!  Wylie sucks that shit down.

10:08: FABIO!’s plate: I lost what is on the plate, but it’s the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

Unfortunately, he’s on the bottom, because he made egg-like things without actually making eggs.  Leah also loses for fake eggs.

10:10: Please Carla please Carla please Carla no Stefan no Stefan no Stefan.

YES!  Dark horse, dark horse baby.

10:11: Elimination.  There is knife pulling.  FABIO! pulls “Lidia Bastianich,” which means he’s probably got a culinary boner.  Carla’s got Jaques Pepin, which is somewhat perfect.

They’ll all be cooking their chef’s requested last meals.  Most morbid. Challenge. Ever.  FABIO! has to make the most perfect roast chicken, ever, for Lidia, and it had better be perfect.  Because Lidia Bastianich can kill you with her mind, and she will do it.  She demands excellent food and is angry about her hair.

10:13: Carla has to make peas.  Jacques Pepin and Carla are pea buddies.  I don’t know what that means, but I would like to see a real-life demonstration.  I do know that her eye sockets grow bigger and bigger every week. Maybe that’s where she keeps the peas?

10:18: Interlude:  Dinner at Perilla, season 1 winner Harold Dieterle’s place in the West Village.  Go there.  Get the pork belly with the lentils and banyuls gastrique.  IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Is it just me, or is he the only one actually doing anything with his life now?  Although given some of the winners [cough]Ilan[cough] it’s probably better that way.

10:23: Jaques Pepin wants squab with his fresh peas.  FABIO! thinks he’s got it made with roast chicken.  I find overconfidence to be a harbinger.

Stefan does not think that Hosea has chef balls, but I haven’t seen them personally so I can’t say.  What do you think “chef balls” are like? I bet they glow when you’re really in the zone.  Please explain your own response in the comments.

Leah: “I’m making this other thing even though I know Wylie probably won’t want it this way.”  Smart!

10:25: My love for Carla grows exponentially with each passing moment.

Stefan: “There is nothing I could possibly screw up with this dish.”  TOO MANY HARBINGERS, editors.  Although as big a douchebag as he is, Leah still has to go or I will never trust this show again, and my trust is already questionable.

FABIO! BROKE HIS FUCKING FINGER. Holy shit, I thought he was just gonna cut it.

10:26: Producer: “Do you want to go to the hospital?”  FABIO!: “No, I will chop it off, sear it on a flattop so it doesn’t bleed, and deal with nine fingers tomorrow.”  LOVE.  HARD FUCKING CORE.

I am having finger-related sympathy pains.

10:30: I can’t even keep up with all the hilarious things FABIO! is saying.  I hope you all have TiVo.  I wish I had TiVo.

10:31: FABIO! wisely would not want his final meal to be cooked by any Top Chef contestants.  I can not disagree with that.  I would also like my final meal to be cooked by FABIO!’s nonna.

Tom comes in to be a dickwad: “The judges are famous!  Don’t fuck this one up!”  Because Tom is shy and retiring, and easily embarrassed in front of his famous friends.

10:32: They’ve totally smeared vaseline on the camera lens to obscure the fact that Jacques Pepin, adorable though he may be, already has one foot in the grave and may actually be eating his last meal.

10:33:  First up: Leah, poached egg. Wylie does not want salad on his last day.  I wouldn’t either.  I would want to roll around naked in slabs of bacon eating a slice of pizza.  I’m sorry, I would.

10:34:  Second: Stefan, salmon: Horribly overcooked fish!  Lidia is NOT happy.  The salmon is dishonored. Fail

10:36:  Third: Hosea, shrimp scampi. Mixed results.  That tomato does not look good, and who puts cream in shrimp scampi?  Lidia DOES NOT COOK WITH CREAM.

10:37:  Fourth: FABIO!, roast chicken.  Because of his broken finger, he has to hack the chicken to pieces with a garden shovel.  Way to jump in, fellow contestants.

This is just what Lidia wanted!  So my boy has a broken finger. So fucking what?  Lidia is happy, which means no one has to die.

10:39:  Fifth: Carla, squab.  That looks seriously good.  Tom appreciates the “audacity of simplicity.”  Jacques actually thinks he could die happy with that, and he might. He loves the peas!  They are scrumptious.  I love listening to him say the word “scrumptious.”

I want to shrink him down and carry him around in my pocket.  I’ve always thought HE should be the Tom Colicchio on this show, because he would actually, you know, HELP THEM instead of giving the ever-constructive criticism of “Don’t suck.”

10:44: Leah: “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d broken my finger.”  FABIO!: “This is Top Chef, not Top Pussy.”  That’s on Cinemax, not Bravo.

10:47: Padma, perhaps you’ve heard of this thing called a “bra”?

Everyone gets some shit, everyone did something well.  Jacques is on the Carla love train.  People all over the world, join hands.  Join the love train, (Carla) love train.

10:49: I have never seen so many people so excited about peas.  And I like peas.

Tom isn’t sure if they should take FABIO!’s broken finger into account. How is that even a question? YES YOU DO.

10:50: There are doubts about Leah.  HAVE MORE DOUBTS.  HAVE MORE DOUBTS.

They think Leah’s eggs could have been 2 or 3 degrees higher.  Brian: “As could the studio, if Padma’s nipples are any judge.”

10:54: WINNER!  FABIO! Suck it, broken finger!  SUCK IT.  “I’m not in the semi-final because I paid someone, I did a good job.”  That’s my boy, paragon of confidence.

Carla’s in too!  She thinks she’s like a tortoise passing the hare.  The skinnest, most hyperactive, bug-eyed tortoise in the world.

10:52: The site has not crashed yet.  And now I have jinxed myself.  Good job, me.


Apparently cooking is not the only thing Leah can do well.  Because she can’t.  Therefore, I must conclude that there is nothing she can do well.

Although I gotta say, Stefan deserved the knifing too, even though you knew they would never do it.  He and Hosea move on, obviously, although Hosea has no chance in hell of winning.  Not a prayer.

10:58: Stefan: “I knew I had to be in the Final Four.  There was no other option.”  Because otherwise he would have massacred a bunch of people from the top of a clock tower.

FABIO!:  “In New Orleans, I WILL KICK HIS (Stefan’s) ASS.”

NEXT WEEK: THE ACTUAL FINALE begins, instead of some bullshitty reunion with uber-slimebag Andy Cohen: New Orleans!  Advantage Carla.  Emeril is there!  Who I think is kind of a hack, but is somehow beloved by America.