Screw the jelly, are you ready for Eric Ripert? Because he is coming, and either you think he’s incredibly handsome or looks kind of like a Dolph Lundgren-esque serial killer. Either way, he’s a dangerous man with a fillet knife.

I know that last week the site went down once or twice during the show. I don’t know if it was a freak thing, or if BlueHost is so completely pathetic that it can’t handle 17 people hitting refresh at once. If it happens again, (1) don’t panic and (2) it only lasts for a minute or two, so hang on.

9:49: I’m watching the end of the last episode just so I can watch the face Carla makes when she wins and gets two superbowl tickets. EYEBALLS.

10:00: Stefan goes down to past-season loser Andrea, the “nuts and berries” lady, and watchers across the land yell “Suck on THAT!” Carla wins (See above: Victory, EYEBALLS).

10:02: Fabio is speaking Italian to his wife and MY HEAD IS EXPLODING. Yet he is also concerned that she will burn their restaurant down and open a hamburger shack. To which I say: what’s wrong with a hamburger shack? I love a hamburger shack. In fact, there aren’t a lot of things I like more than a hamburger shack.

10:04: Eric Ripert is here. I will bet you $10 that someone is literally shitting their pants at this very instant. Quickfire is a fish boning challenge – shocker! First up: sardines.

I didn’t think you could make sardines look any worse, but several of them did.

10:07: I don’t think you can even call what Jamie has sardines. It’s like she’s transmogrified them into some other kind of fish. A fish with no flesh.

Best job: FABIO!! and Leah, but who gives a shit because I could not possibly be more over her if you gave me a million dollars, and even then I would still have to try REALLY REALLY HARD to get over her more. Carla and Jamie are out.

Next up: Arctic char.

10:08: Leah GAVE UP on the char, a sign of great disrespect. And then when Ripert asked her what happened, she made a POUTY FACE at him. FAIL.

Ripert just stroked Hosea’s filet in a very seductive manner. That is not a metaphor.

Fabio and Leah, out.

Next round: fresh water eel. Eels that appear to still be moving.

10:10: Stefan nailed the eel’s head to a cutting board. I never want to see that happen ever, ever again. I hate to admit that Stefan’s eel is some good looking eel, insofar as eel can ever be good looking. Which is never. Brian informs me that in college, when he worked in the seafood department at PathMark, there was a special “eel-head-nailing board.”

Stefan gets no immunity, but a special advantage – that worked out really well last time!

10:15: Again, it’s so early on and there are so many all caps words in this post. NOT A GOOD SIGN.

10:18: Field trip to Le Bernadin. I am far more worthy than these people for a field trip to Le Bernadin.

Doing that is now on the list of things I must do before I die.

If the site goes out this time, it’s probably from all the drool I’m getting on the keyboard.

10:20: Leah, Eric Ripert does not want a hug from you. He does not care if you think he is “super-sweet.” You know she totally covered her Trapper Keeper with “Leah *hearts* Eric” and “Mrs. Leah Ripert.”

Jamie, you are 10,000 time less cool than you think you are. I note with interest that somehow, despite your astounding talent and forward thinking, your restaurant does not have the reputation of Le Bernadin. Interesting. Even though braised celery doesn’t sound so hot to me, I somehow think I could bring myself to eat it at Le Bernadin.

Just admit that Le Bernadin is fricking awesome, Jamie. YOU ARE NOT THAT SPECIAL.

10:21: SHOCKING TWIST ELIMINATION CHALLENGE! Recreating the 6-course menu they just ate.

If no one shit themselves before, they are shitting themselves now. I am shitting for Fabio in sympathy. Jamie hits smack across the face with some braised celery karma.

10:28: AWESOME: Eric and his sous are spying on them the WHOLE TIME, thus greatly increasing the chances that someone will shit themselves.

Also: balsamic jelly? I want to eat that on everything.

10:30: Ripert makes the usual Colicchio rounds, except he’s actually helpful and gives advice. See how that works, Colicchio? Mentoring? Helping them make better food!

Forget it. You will never see how that works.

Jamie has no time for Eric to taste her attempt. I’m sure she doesn’t need it though. She could probably do this in her sleep, since Ripert’s food is so uninspiring.

10:33: My boy is first up: red snapper and tomato consomme. Eric is pretty impressed, which has gotta be some high praise.

Leah is next. Le Sigh.

10:35: Leah doesn’t hope this dish will send her home, contrary to the rest of America.

Somehow, she attempts to disguise her failure to figure out the miso sauce by putting less miso on the plate. And it totally works! Except that it doesn’t, and everyone notices.

10:36: Stefan is close, although his hollandaise is thick. Carla is next. Fingers crossed for Carla, who is my new favorite because I honestly don’t think Fabio can win. She comes close.

10:37: Did you know that Hosea was a seafood guy? Did they mention that?

He hasn’t let his monkfish rest. You know what that means? The monkfish has been disrespected.

10:39: Eric: “The celery is…very hardcore.” He is too charitable to say outright that it sucks, so he just agrees with everyone else when they say it sucks.

10:44: JUDGES’ TABLE: Top 3, Stefan, Carla and FABIO!! (That’s how I’m going to write his name from now on).

Carla’s eyes bug out before they even say anything to her. Apparently, she figured out some important thing, bernaise v. beurre rouge, because of the classical training that she hides inside one of her spirit guides.

Toby Young has official worn off on me.

10:46: Winner: Stefan. I CALL SHENANIGANS. He had the easiest dish, and HE ADMITTED IT. He gets all kind of awesome prizes. SHENANIGANS! Carla should have taken it.



10:48: Losers: Everyone else. They sucked. big time.

Toby, I don’t believe that you still have Leah’s fish in your teeth (again, not a metaphor), as much as I want her to go home.

10:50: Jamie knows she sucked. Toby detected a “rogue element” in the sauce. Aaaand Jamie says, in front of Ripert, that she didn’t like the dish to begin with. It makes me wish he had laser eyes so he could instantly smite her (aside: he totally looks like he could have laser eyes).

10:53: 66% chance of a Jew going home. Fingers crossed for Leah.

10:57: Everyone screwed something important. Jamie: Pack your knives.

I had her pegged for top 4 before I realized she was kind of an ass, but I still didn’t think she was going home. DEAR GOD, WHAT DOES LEAH HAVE TO DO, KILL SOMEONE? And even then I’m not sure!

Next Week: Carla is a force to be reckoned with, because she has summoned the full power of her spirit guides, both good and evil. Fabio loses a limb. They cook for a bunch of ridiculously famous people who are all shown in soft focus, presumably so we won’t notice that Jaques Pepin (while still adorable) has not aged all that well.

Also: It is the case that BlueHost sucks major ass during liveblogging and cannot, in fact, handle more than 10 people trying to load the page at once. Bloggers: Who do you host with, and how do you like them?