Restaurant Wars is like the Super Bowl of Top Chef – you’ve thinned the crappy players out of the herd, but everyone remaining is a little too high-strung and the actual game ends up sucking.  Unfortunately, more people care about the Leah/Hosea bullshit than the actual cooking, judging by today’s seventy jillion “Leah Hosea kiss cheating boyfriend” hits.  Get over it, people.  You’re only making Bravo think we want more of this crap, which we most certainly DO NOT.

10:00: Last week: Ariane took a short trip under a long bus.  Jamie cooked a scallop.  Fabio made my heart go a pitter-patter.  And an entire group of chefs who freaked out when they had to cook with things in cans tanked when faced with actual, farm-fresh products. THE LAMB WAS DISGRACED.

10:01: How much I’m looking forward to watching Leah and Hosea suck face, on a scale of “1” to “vomit”: vomit + 2.  Just thinking about it is giving me some acid reflux.

10:02: Quickfire:  Stephen Starr, restaurateur, including Morimoto, which I still can’t entirely trust.  It’s time for restaurant wars and the EC is to do a tasting for him – one dish that will showcase your restaurant, and the 2 winners are the “owners” of their restaurants.

10:05: Fabio thinks the lunch business is underestimated and he’s doing a multi-part lunch menu, Jeff-style. He’s either going big, or going down in flames.  I’m guessing flames, because Chipotle’s pretty much got the lock-down on the lunch market at this point.

Thing I don’t want to see when you’re cooking for me: You scratching your ass WITH BOTH HANDS as you search for and grab ingredients, Leah.

10:07: Carla’s spirit guides are not clearly communicating the need for salt in her dishes.  Leah has a whole lot going on. Stefan has a trio of asparagus.  I want to hate him, but it was hard that time.  I hunkered down and did it, though.

10:09: Radhika: you had me at “butter braised.”  She had Starr too, because she’s one of the winners.  The other winner is Leah and I want her to LOSE.

Seasonal cooking is important to Jamie.  That’s why the live chickens and farm-fresh produce freaked her out.  Fabio: did NOT make a cheesesteak, but he kind of did and I would totally eat it. Also he was in the bottom two.  Also also, I still love him.

10:11: The hook-up is bad enough.  But the Leah baby voice?  STICK A BUTTER KNIFE IN MY EAR RIGHT NOW.

10:15: Elimination Challenge: Restaurant Wars.  Leah picks Hosea first: SHOCKING.  Radhika ends up with Jeff, Jamie and Carla, such is her hatred of Stefan. I am not so confident in Radhika’s leadership abilities, perhaps because of her mole-like demeanor.

Today they get to pick out linens and plan the interiors.  Someone has a giant gold elephant.  Excitement!  Tasteful!

10:18: Shockingly, no one on Radhika’s teamwants to be front of the house.  Because then they would have to talk. To people.  I do agree with the idea of keeping Carla on pastry because (1) she’s good at dessert and (2) let’s be honest here, the bug eyes are a little freaky on first viewing.

Fabio takes front of the house for his team, which is clearly the best idea ever.  You could serve no food and just have him go around chatting with each table, and you’d win by a mile.  Given the way Restaurant Wars typically go – that is, poorly – maybe they should.  I would eat at that restaurant.

10:19: Shopping for decor.  Both of these restaurants are going to be like night terrors that take place in a Pier One.  The only thing worse is a fever dream where you’re lost in the IKEA marketplace and can’t get out until you find a complete set of Lekskrünk candle holders..  God help us all, but mostly help the diners.

10:20: Leah: “I just can’t tell Stefan what to do.”  Except you can, because you are the TEAM LEADER.  Radhika is delegating to Jamie.

10:22: Bawnm-chicka-baw-bawnm with Leah and Hosea aaaaand I vomited a little in my mouth.

10:26: Tonsil hockey aftermath.  Bad for relationships, bad for food, bad for television.

10:28: Team Leah’s restaurant: “Sunset Lounge.”  Says Hosea, “no one has ever come up with a restaurant concept as strong as this.”  Because “Sunset Lounge”?  Sounds totally classy.

10:31: Fabio, cut with the knife away from your man bits!  Away! You must have beautiful Italian children with your beautiful Italian wife.

Leah can’t even look Hosea in the eyes.  Perhaps because she flung herself at him like a shameless hussy.  Whoops, did I say that out loud?  For fairness and balance: Hosea is a man-whore.

10:32: The cod Leah got is really bony and the only way to get the bones out is to bang Hosea cut her fish differently, shredding it.  Tough break.

10:35: Radhika is not making any decisions, other than to drink more wine and to encourage her team to drink more wine.

FABIO IN THE WHITE SUIT OMG PONIES!!!111.  “We could serve monkey ass in an empty clam shell and still be the winners.”  AND HE IS TOTALLY RIGHT, because everyone will give higher scores to the team whose maitre’d causes you to orgasm instantly upon entering the restaurant.  Did I call it, or did I call it?

10:40: Radhika is wearing an old grain sack with some trim at the neckline.  Her face is devoid of expression, except for maybe some vague fear.  Is she just that laid back, stoned, or has she had her personality surgically removed at birth?

As usual, the servers suck ass.  I think they’re trained to do so, as a test.

10:42: They like the taste of Team Radhika’s flatbread “but probably because we’re already hungry.”  Are you not allowed to just like it?  At least they like some of the other dishes, so far.

Tomato water: Can someone explain that to me?

10:44: Carla’s desserts are a bit of a hot mess.  Literally, because the freezers weren’t working.  Aside from that, the desserts are universally reviled.

Radhika is having a breakdown.  She could use some of Carla’s spirit xanax.  The judges abandon the restaurant while she is in hiding.  Slick!

10:47: Fabio is making love with his eyes to every table in the Sunset Lounge.  I think the guest judge kind of wants to do him.

10:48: I’m sad the soup didn’t get a better reception, because it looked and sounded tasty.

Braised short ribs: no way to lose.  Especially when Fabio pronounced them “braise-ed.”  The fish is undercooked and tastes like pickles, but I feel strongly that Fabio’s apology should totally make up for that.

10:51: Stefan’s desserts are a hit.  Dammit.  And there are lollipops. And I want one.

Who’s going down: Radhika, Leah, or dark horse Carla?  Also, what are the chances that Hosea throws Leah under his heaving body the bus?

10:54: Clearly safe: Stefan and his lollipops.  Fabio and his suit.  Whoever made the short ribs.  Whoever made the scallop; I have no recollection but I’m going to go out on a limb and say Jamie.

10:57: How is it this late?  Tell me this is another bloated episode.  You made me watch the Leahosea bullshit and the useless interlude of Jess and his magic for this?  MAKE THE DAMN SHOW AN HOUR.

11:00:  Judges’ Table: Sunset Lounge is up first. WINNERS.  Why?  Desserts and service.  Even pseudo-crotchety Englishman has a crush on Fabio.

And yet, Stefan wins?  SHAKING FIST AT SKY.

11:04: Radhika is not sure what went wrong.  Because she was hiding the whole time.  Also she cooked nothing. And made no decisions of any kind.

Carla admits that she sucked.  But she tried to send love out with each dish.  THAT IS HER BELIEF.  I am using a lot of capital letters in this post, and that is not a good thing.

11:07: Yes, the cake sucked.  But this isn’t Top Dessert, it’s Top Chef.

If they send Carla home, I will spend the next week dedicating myself to sending bad juju to Tom Colicchio and Stephen Starr. THE LEADER ABDICATED THE THRONE.  How is there even a decision to be made?

11:12: YES!!  Radhika is a-packing those knives.  Of course you didn’t want to go home for being in the front of the house.  No one does.  That’s why you should have DECIDED to make someone else do it.  You know, as the LEADER.

Next Week:  Past season all-stars.  Does Andrew still have his culinary boner?  Because if those last for more than 4 hours, you’re supposed to call a doctor.