To whom it may concern: If you want to buy this marvelous machine for me, I will name it after you Coors Stadium-style. So if you’ve always wanted to see a “Jim Smith Memorial” something or other, you’ve come to the right place.

Behold, and cringe before its glory: A machine that dispenses sausage gravy! Hopefully, someone will invent a counter-sized version soon – in which case screw you, toaster, I never needed you anyway – but in the meantime I am perfectly willing to clear out the den to accommodate the full-size version.

If you act to procure me one within the next 20 minutes, I will ALSO name the “Biscuits in a Bowl” dispenser after you at no extra charge.

Who knows what other kinds of wonderful machine are lurking in the background, waiting for you to buy them for me so I can name them after you? Granted, I’ve never actually been to a Bob Evans. But it’s SAUSAGE GRAVY, people – how bad can it be? Do NOT underestimate my love of sausage gravy on a biscuit. As the machine itself states, this is the way to “Start your day right!”

Thank you, thank you, for bringing this to my attention.