If Bourdain were guest judging and said some shit like “It’s the bland leading the bland,” it would intensify my already-overwhelming desire to stab him in the eye with my fork.  When new guest judge Toby Young says it, I want to invite him over for dinner to talk about how much we’d like to stab Tony Bourdain in the eye with our forks.  Go figure.

Off we go!

10:02: Melissa had no idea there would be pressure on Top Chef!  You can’t really blame her, because at home she lives in a mud hut with no electricity or television, so she actually didn’t know what she was signing up for. But she should be fine if she follows the rule she set for herself last week: Cook better food.

10:03: Quickfire! Some French guy I should probably know, who will soon have his own Bravo show, is judging.  The “Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire”: Create a sweet treat with any non-sugar ingredients and as much product placement as possible.  Okay, not that last part.

10:05: Jeff is making a spring roll.  Or rather, a TD North Bank Spring Roll.  Hosea is working with some Glaxo Smith Kline figs.  Those are my favorite varietal.

Someone is reducing Diet Dr. Pepper.  Sign me up!

10:07: When the judge asks “Are you happy with this?” the correct answer is NEVER YES. Oh, Fabio.

So far this all looks like diet food to me, although Radhika’s is looking pretty interesting, as is Leah’s. Stefan, is that really mousse chocolate, or a glass full of the shit you scraped of your face? Fucking brownnoser.

10:09: It’s MASCARpone.  MASCARPONE.  NOT MARSCApone.  You are CHEFS.  Get your shit together.

10:10: Winner: Radhika and her PriceWaterhouseCooper Bread Pudding.  Good job!

10:12: The British are coming!  The British are coming! Food critic Toby Young, adorable name notwithstanding, is such a badass that they have to give the cheftestants a night off to gird their loins.

10:17: Colicchio is in the house, and Fabio is worried that it’s messy.  Because his mamma and nonna raised him right.

Elimination Challenge:  A family style meal, food of your choosing, with blind judging and a double elimination and some secret foodie judges.  Fabio helpfully points out that this does NOT mean that the judges will actually be blindfolded.  Thank you, and also squee.

10:19: They’ll be working in teams, and Radhika gets to choose her group.  She picks the one without Stefan, because her momma didn’t raise no fool, either.

10:21: Is it wrong that even hearing Fabio say “behind, hot water!” makes me a little moist in the nether regions?  Also it makes me a little sad, the pseudo-Italian oom-pah-pah music they’re giving him.

Jeff is making “small plates”.  Read: too many plates.

Carla is listening to her intuition.  She appears to be waiting for a display of olive oil to speak to her.  I am concerned.  Although maybe she’s waiting for the balsamic, which makes total sense.

10:23: The line I’ve been waiting for!  “It’s Top Chef, not Top Scallop.”  Until one day there’s a twist and they turn it into Top Scallop.  Then everyone but Jamie is SCREWED.

10:28: Useless interlude! Fabio claims he can do fresh pasta with one hand tied behind his back.  Maybe he should have done that, because he seems to be unable to do it with two free hands.  Melissa does a terrible Italian impression that makes me want to punch her on behalf of my people.  Also for those atrocious hot pink sunglasses she was caught wearing in an earlier scene.

Is anyone else enraged at the movie “Bride Wars”?  Thank you, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, for double-handedly destroying feminism.

10:31: Team A judging.  And the judges?  The standards, plus Team B.  Suck!  It’s a “jaw dropping” event for Melissa; but then, what isn’t?

10:33: Toby Young has found the weapons of mass destruction, and they are in Radhika’s soup.  See, Bourdain, I would want to kick in the balls!  Young, not so much.  Am I that distracted by a British accent?

Yes.  Yes, I am.

10:35: Toby: Melissa’s dish signifies that the chef is not confident.  Also it tasted like cat food.  Even in a blind tasting and his first run-in with Melissa, he’s spot on!

10:38: Jeff, prepping more than anyone else has definitely worked out for you in the past, so good move there.  Oh wait, that’s someone else I’m thinking of.

Leah knows she has to go big or go home.  And when I think “go big” I think “white bread and fried beans.”

Carla is adding layers of flavor and love to her scallops.  Do you think she adds the love with a Ronco brand flavor injector?  I hope so.

10:39: Jamie is convinced she’s going to win.  Also, bears shit in the woods.

10:40: Tom and Toby are totally split on Jeff’s dish.  I call for a throwdown. A Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil Throwdown.

10:46: Called to judges’ table as the top 3:  Jamie, Ariane and Stefan.  The tongue bath they’re giving the top three is kind of freaking me out a little.

French judge guy gets to call the winner: Jamie!  But didn’t we all secretly want her not to win, so she could be like the Susan Lucci of top chef? Also, it’s about damn time you cooked a fucking scallop correctly.

10:49: Losers: Melissa, Eugene and Carla.

Don’t eliminate Carla, she actually knows what she did wrong.  Please, sweet baby Jesus, eliminate Melissa, because she destroys everything she touches.

Toby’s main critique of her: the dish had a foul odor.  That’s never good.

10:52: Eugene thinks he has a better idea of what the judges are looking for than the other two. Interesting.  Toby does think he’ll “get it eventually.” High praise!

10:53: The point of the challenge was to represent yourself and Tom thinks Melissa did that.  So she’s watery and smells like cat food, two things I always look for in a Top Chef.

I think they should keep Carla, but the judges will probably fuck this one up.

10:55: Hey, this episode is actually going to be an hour long! Huzzah!

10:57: Final elimination: Melissa and Eugene are out!  The judges get one right!

Melissa is concerned that Tom didn’t see her creativity.  Really?  Because I think he has a pretty spot-on idea of it.  Eugene declares that a real man accepts defeat.  And that when the booze runs out, that’s when it’s time to go.

Next week: Hung, actual living livestock, and the Stefan-Jamie one-sided lovefest comes to its dramatic conclusion.