Question: What do hamburgers and marshmallows have in common?

But first: So many of you came so very close to the last Frig.  Yes, it was a cheeseburger on its side.  Yes, it was from In-N-Out  It was, in fact, a chunk of an 8 by 6 – 8 quarter-pound patties, 6 slices of cheese.

Every day, I think about the fact that In-N-Out is only on the West Coast and I die a little inside.

You know what else makes me die a little inside?  This:

It’s a marshmallow!  Shaped like a cheeseburger!  With fake sesame seeds on the bun that look just a little more like sperm than makes me comfortable!  It’s the MALLOWBURGER!

Please note two important facts about the label:

  1. It is low sodium and cholesterol-free!  Healthy choices, people. Healthy choices.
  2. It is described as the All-American “Fun” Burger, with “Fun” in quotes.  Is this just another case of inappropriate use of quotation marks, or is someone in marketing secretly trying to tell us something about this product?

Whatever, I’m sure we’ll all be eating them in our bunkers while we wait out the future nuclear winter because they’ll be one of the few foodstuffs – if you can really call them that – that will survive, so we better get used to them now.  But don’t worry, it’s not like we’ll have to rely on the Mallowburger alone: