Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of you is porn.  So what’s so offensive about root vegetables with freakishly humanoid genitalia?  That fucking carrot caused my readership to plummet like a sackful of kittens tied to a cinder block. SUCK IT UP, INTERNET.

My challenge to the rest of you: send the carrot far and wide! Let all behold the wonders of mother nature!