Tune in tonight as the cheftestants attempt to not destroy Gail’s bridal shower. Way to get yourself a freebie there, Simmons. I’m sure everything will turn out fine.

See you after the jump!

Last week:Melissa smoked out Colicchio’s taste buds, Alex failed to make a creme brulee and Jamie scowled her way through trying to kill the judges with an undercooked egg.  Alex is out like a trout.  How will they try to kill the judges this week?

10:01: I don’t care how many times I see the intro, Carla scares me and Jeff looks like a shitty JCPenney catalog model with his over-the-shoulder wink.

Stefan has a crush on Jamie: “Does he not know what the word lesbian is?” Maybe not, he is Finnish.  Or maybe he’s so cocky he thinks he can turn you.

10:04: Quickfire: It’s the ID-that-ingredient challenge! One of my faves. With a twist:  Pair off, and head-to head ID as many ingredients in a sauce as you can.

Wasn’t there a game show where people had to do this? “I can name 3 things.” “I can name 4 things” “I call your bluff.”  Readers: what was that show? This will slowly drive me more insane than I already am.

The contestants are standing opposite each other, Family Feud style. Where is drunk Richard Dawson to inappropriately kiss all the ladies?

10:05: Round 1: Boulliabaise.

10:06: Jamie v. Stefan.  Stefan is a cocky motherfucker. However, his crush on Jamie does not extend to letting her win.

10:07: Round 2: Thai Green Curry

Fabio didn’t even TRY. I’m let down.  Meanwhile, Carla can “taste ingredients in her mind.”  Is she like the people who can “see music” that Oliver Sacks writes about?

That makes too much sense.  It’s probably the spirit guides.  Or, her enormous eyeballs allow her to actually carry flavors into her brain.

10:11: Round 3: Mole sauce.  How can you lose?  There are TEN THOUSAND INGREDIENTS in mole.  It’s down to Hosea and Stefan…and Hosea pulls it out!  Suck it, Stefan.

10:15: Elimination Challenge:  Cook for, and do not ruin, Gail’s bridal shower. The cheftestants are broken into teams called “old,” “new,” “borrowed,” and “blue.”.  Radhika “would rather be on Satan’s team than Stefan.”  Satan totally flunked out of the CIA, so she might want to rethink that.

10:17:  Gail’s dislikes: veal and black beans.  Thanks for the guidance!

10:18:  Radhika’s on the “borrowed” team.  So they’re “borrowing” her mom’s Indian flavors.  Way to distinguish yourself, Radhika!  Once again, I’m thankful she’s not just sticking with flavors she knows.

Team Blue: my boy Fabio comes up with going with deep-water fish rather than trying to cook blue foods.  Because he is not only adorable, but a genius.

10:20: “New” makes Daniel think of pickles.

There is really nothing I can say about that.  Nothing.

10:21:  The “old” team is Stefan, Jeff and Hosea.  Two of the team members don’t like the other.  I’ll give you two guesses as to which, but I bet you only need one.  Their interp of “old”: heirloom tomatoes.  Not bad, but I’m withholding judgment.

10:24: Whole Foods shilling montage.  Daniel is wearing his chef pants in public. Problematic.  Chefs or culinary students: why the ugly, ugly pants?

Hosea and Stefan are going to throw down in Whole Foods over tomatoes.  How come stuff like this never happens when I’m in Whole Foods?  And I’m not even touching Carla and her “hootie hoo” thing. Between this and Daniel and the pickles, I’m overwhelmed by inanity.

10:28:  Eugene’s wife never had a bridal shower.  He would love for her to have one, and he would love to cook for it.  Which he will get to do sooner rather than later, if the magical editing elves are trying to tell us anything.  Who fucks up rice? And then tries to save it?

10:31:  Colicchio comes around for his check-in.  Daniel and Eugene get the oom-pah-pah horns of immanent failure in the background.

10:34:  Hosea is concerned at not tasting Stefan’s terrine.  Because what if it tastes like “crap mixed in your mouth”? Then there’ll be a lot of spitting, won’t there? Order extra napkins.

Team New, AKA Team We Can’t Cook Rice IN A GODDAMNED RICE COOKER, has decided to have the guests assemble their own sushi rolls.  Stefan, arbiter of culture, announces that “women don’t like to put things together.”

Perhaps pronouncements like this are why you’ve been married to and divorced from the same woman twice.  I’m just saying.

10:39: Pointless interlude with Jamie and Stefan.  Serenity now. Serenity Now.

10:41: OH MY GOD the wedding picture of Fabio and his wife is PAINFULLY HOT and they are both disgustingly attractive.  They will have children who are so beautiful they will have super powers.

10:43: I don’t understand the big long table.  Do all your friends hate each other and you don’t want them to have to interact?

10:44: Course one, “old”: tomato terrine, gazpacho, tomato sorbet.  The guest is Dana Cowin, EIC of food and wine.  She is going to KICK YOUR ASSES.

10:46:  Course two, “new”: lazy woman’s bizarro sushi, plus a salad, plus Daniel’s secret mushrooms.  Daniel: “It’s a little bit of this, a little spooge of that.”  If I ever got a plate with a little bit of spooge on it, I’ve got the health department on speed dial.

Eugene forgot to explain how to eat the dish.  We can all stop watching now, because he’s going.

10:49:  Course three, “borrowed”: lamb, carrot puree, kale, raita.

HOLY JESUS THAT’S A BIG POT OF CARROTS.  But this vadovan thing is going to get old.

Ariane’s lamb is still really rare.  Like, did I just hear a bleat? rare. Somehow it gets pulled together, and damn, that’s a good looking plate.

Yells someone: “Nuts, nuts, nuts!”

10:53:  Course four, “borrowed.”  Sea bass, corn puree, chard.  Fabio is recruited for presenting, because they think he will charm.  Because they may be ridiculous fame whores, but they are not stupid.

10:55:  Is there a separate bridal shower for Gail’s unattractive and/or fat friends?  Or does she just not have any?

10:59: Judges table: Teams Old and Borrowed are the favorites.

Jeff!  Made a face!  With a wrinkle!

11:01: Winner: Ariane!  Shock!  I’d called Jeff. And now I really am scared that Jamie’s going to cut a bitch.

Jamie: “Everyone thought that I would be the winner.”

Well, except the judges.  Funny how that works.

11:02: Losers: Teams New and Blue.  Someone, Daniel was “unbelievably happy” with the dish.  The Judges are not happy with his surprise mushrooms.

If Daniel digs this hole any further, Eugene might live to fail another day.  Every week, he seems more and more like the “before” Charlie in Flowers for Algernon.

11:04:  Team Blue:  Tom can’t pin down a critique other than “it made me sad.”

11:06:  Team New: “Indefensible.”  “Mind-Boggling.”

So who is it, Daniel or Eugene?

11:11:  The Knifing: Team New sucked in every possible respect – execution, taste, concept, presence of Daniel. And Daniel is packing his knives!

Daniel: “I don’t think the judges ever really got what I was doing.”  I.e., they didn’t understand your attempt to convince people that shitty food is good food.  He goes out with some kind of sports metaphor that I ignore because I don’t care.

Next week: Martha Stewart!  Possible e-coli! Combined? We can only hope.