Are you ready for Rocco DiSpirito and his frozen-Italian-food-shilling, preternaturally smooth and unlined face? I’m not! But join me here anyway.
10:00: Previously: what are the chances that all the chefs actually love the Foo Fighters? Grant Achatz went on the s’more warpath (s’morepath?). Bear-lover Richard packed his knives.
10:01: Alex read an emotional letter left to him by Richard. He tears up. It does not absolve him of the nut-punching he has coming to him.
10:03: Quickfire: Rocco! *shakes fist* Fabio makes a game effort to be charitable.
Time for breakfast, in amuse bouche form. This? Is a great challenge.
10:06: Daniel’s childhood breakfast: cornflakes and zucchini flowers? Daniel is a weird motherfucker.
Hey everyone! Melissa is the woman with the blonde bangs. I think I know everyone’s name!
10:07: I gotta say, everyone’s breakfasts look really good. I would totally eat most of these things. Because most of them involve bacon.
Leah fried bread in bacon fat. Bonus points.
10:11: Fabio is cute even when he’s bitter about being in the bottom three. Doesn’t Rocco know that my people don’t eat bacon for breakfast? No, he doesn’t, because he’s a hack.
Leah wins, again. And gets a copy of Rocco’s latest book as a prize – in paperback, no less. Classy, DiSpirito! Jamie gets sloppy second again, and I think if it happens one more time she’s going to cut a bitch.
10:12: Elimination Challenge: create an accessible dish for a live, two-and-a-half minute TV segment. Carla is non-plussed. May the spirit guides back her up.
Fabio is worried about explaining a dish in his not-perfect English. No one is going to be listening to your actual words, Fabio. I mean, I won’t be, so I assume the female morning-show viewership that will be watching won’t be either.
10:19: Everyone’s going behind the fish counter to cut their own fish. Whole Foods fishmongers: SLACKERS.
10:20: Melissa is actually getting screen time! Unfortunately, she uses it to say nothing that means anything.
Jamie’s doing a salad that she’s demoed on TV before. FAIL. WAY too much “I’ve done this in my restaurant before” this season, with all the chefs. If you’re gonna do that, at least don’t tell me you’re doing it.
10:22: Daniel wants Bobby Flay’s career, with the restaurants and the too many televisions shows, he thinks he can bring the funny and “light up the camera.” Brian: “Dude, you’re on camera RIGHT NOW. You are DIMMING the camera.”
10:25: Ariane does a pretty good job! And brings the Jersey accent, big time.
Jamie plates an undercooked egg. Gail tries to save her: “How do you know when the egg’s done?” She refuses to be saved.
10:28: Jeff’s making a whooziwhatsit.
Fabio: “I am fresh out of the boat.” Everyone giggles. See, what did I tell you?
10:29: Daniel, “Ba-ba-booey”: not a good catchphrase. I may have issues with Bobby Flay, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t get to where he is with terrible catchphrases. Maybe you should set your sights on Emeril.
Lots of people fail to finish. They’ve clearly never watched “The Next Food Network Star.”
10:31: Rocco: “Carla had a nervous energy that made me uncomfortable.” That’s not nervous energy, it’s demon possession. Fabio is a “dream guest” (told you so!) and Rocco likes Jeff, possibly because they go to the same dermatologist for their twice-daily botox injections.
10:33: Top 3: Fabio (told you so!), Jeff, and Ariane. Bottom: Jamie, Alex and Melissa, who sent Tom running for his mommy with her habanero shrimp.
Melissa: “The scariest thing about failing is failing.”
10:35: Surprise, top three! You get to wake up at ass o’clock in the morning to do your demos like on the today show.
Brian: “You know what’s great, Fabio wakes up looking good.” My husband: now 97% more gay.
10:38: Coming up: Kathie Lee spitting up. Can’t wait!
10:39: Commercials: Phillip Seymour Hoffman v. Meryl Streep? You’re going down, Hoff.
10:41: Oh, they don’t get to do their demos. Sad.
The Kathie Lee spitting victim: Jeff. There is no way to live that down. NO WAY.
10:43: Winner: Ariane, supposedly because she was more original, but there’s not much that’s original about pairing tomatoes with watermelon and feta. And I am not just saying that because Fabio lost.
Her prize: “hand picked tools” from Rocco. Brian: “It takes one to know one.” Maybe he should write these things. She also gets to do her demo on TV tomorrow morning. I’m totally waking up to watch it, except I’m not.
10:46: Padma, re: Melissa: “The whole left side of my mouth was throbbing.” That’s what she said! Home cooks are not to be trusted with habanero peppers, because we are stupid.
10:48: Melissa seriously says nothing when she talks, I can’t even comment on it. It’s kinda like listening to the teacher from Charlie Brown, but is somehow less coherent.
10:49: Ooh, the bus! The throwing! It’s the first of the season.
Rocco is pissed about the bad dishes. Pissed like Grant Achatz when you serve him shitty s’mores.
10:54: Bizzaro interpersonal interlude with Leah and Hosea. Stop. It. Bravo.
10:57: Judges’ Table. Flood pants are the new fauxhawk.
10:58: Alex is packing his knives, as the bus runs him down and then backs up over him to make sure he’s really dead. I will therefore spare him the nut punching.
10:59: Next week: Cooking for Gail’s reception. Fabio continues to charm, and is totally going to have sex in the bathroom with one of the guests.