50 minutes from now, right here: liveblogging the new batch of cocky, befauxhawked cheftestants. Who will throw who under the bus first? What kind of strangely inappropriate clothing will Padma wear? Is Tom Colicchio capable of not being a total dickwad? Why are reality show contestants so much more prone to fatal bus accidents than the rest of us? Will I actually have anything to say? Join me – this post will be contiually updated, assuming this 8-year-old Toshiba laptop can take it, and the comments are ready and waiting for your expletive-laden judgment. See you after the jump!
ETA: Can’t keep this year’s mondo cast straight? Check out Skillet Doux’s weekly power rankings.
10:00: 17 chefs? Okay, I am so not going to be able to keep anything straight. In the clip package, Padma: “Never have I had something so violently sweet in my mouth.” That’s what she said.
10:01: I already hate Jeffrey. You know how your hair is, Jeffrey? Douchey.
10:03: Ariane from Montclair! New Jersey in the house! Also, red-faced bald guy? A culinary student can not be top chef.
10:07: Quickfire: The loser gets booted immediately. Thank god, this herd needs thinning.
10:09: Red-faced and bald is the new faux-hauk.
10:13: That’s some power-brunoising right there. Now the remaining chefs must literally convince Tom to like their apples.
Tom and Padma are matching visions in plum.
10:14: Culinary student isn’t about doing things fast, he’s about doing them right. There is no wrong or right in food, Patrick. There is only bacon, or no bacon. And your salad? Does not have bacon.
10:20: Goodbye, Sarah Chalke-y looking girl, we hardly knew ye.
10:23: Elimination challenge: Hosea Rosenberg doesn’t know what Brighton Beach is. Somehow, I think he’ll be okay. You know, because of the Jews.
10:24: Team Rainbow? I’m queer, and they make me want to oppress myself.
10:25: Daniel, no, they don’t understand Long Island talk, which is not the same as “American talk.” Also, a vinaigrette is not, in fact, an emulsion.
10:31: I do feel a little bad for the people who are doing Brighton Beach/Russian food. And scared for us the viewers, since 17-foot-tall Carla is using her “spirit guide” to plan her dish.
10:32: How do you grow up in the U.S. and have “no experience” in Italian food? Really, none? Not even a Sbarros?
Also: Patrick, shut up.
10:36: Patrick: “Everything you could want as a chef is here.” Like “ovens and stoves.” Deep! Patrick, shut up. Fabio sounds like all my Italian cousins and I love him a little.
10:37: Despite the “Team Rainbow” BS, Richard looks like he would give a good hug.
10:40: “The fastest two hours of my life.” That’s what she said.
Re: the Bravo poll, which team are we rooting for, Team Rainbow or the Euro Duo, Brian: “Which number do I call for none of the above?”
10:41: I HATE the FreeCreditReport.com commercial guy with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns.
10:45: Guest judge Jean-Georges: A thinner, more talented Emeril.
10:46: Jean-Georges knows what ingredients you’re going to use before you do.
10:50: Fabio, squee!
10:51: A potato “lat-kee,” Carla? My eye is twitching. Meanwhile, Hosea used his psychic link to the rest of the tribe to nail the Russian Jews. (Not literally.)
10:55: Eugene’s lamb dish: I want that in my belly, right now.
10:56: Tom, “Overall, the most disappointing neighborhood is Chinatown.” Way to piss off a billion people, Tommy.
11:01: Patrick, shut up.
11:04: Victory to one of the red-faced bald men. I can’t begrudge it, his Middle Eastern food looked killer.
11:05: Patrick, shut up. Bravo, you bloated this episode out to one hour plus because I needed to listen to this?
11:06: No, Tom, some people do learn to cook with books. And Patrick, shut up. Maybe, just maybe, the world doesn’t want to share your passion.
11:13: Just pack your knives and go, Patrick. No talking. Just packing. And going.
Okay, one episode down. Who did you instantly hate?