50 minutes from now, right here: liveblogging the new batch of cocky, befauxhawked cheftestants. Who will throw who under the bus first? What kind of strangely inappropriate clothing will Padma wear? Is Tom Colicchio capable of not being a total dickwad? Why are reality show contestants so much more prone to fatal bus accidents than the rest of us? Will I actually have anything to say? Join me – this post will be contiually updated, assuming this 8-year-old Toshiba laptop can take it, and the comments are ready and waiting for your expletive-laden judgment. See you after the jump!
ETA: Can’t keep this year’s mondo cast straight? Check out Skillet Doux’s weekly power rankings.
10:00: 17 chefs? Okay, I am so not going to be able to keep anything straight. In the clip package, Padma: “Never have I had something so violently sweet in my mouth.” That’s what she said.
10:01: I already hate Jeffrey. You know how your hair is, Jeffrey? Douchey.
10:03: Ariane from Montclair! New Jersey in the house! Also, red-faced bald guy? A culinary student can not be top chef.
10:07: Quickfire: The loser gets booted immediately. Thank god, this herd needs thinning.
10:09: Red-faced and bald is the new faux-hauk.
10:13: That’s some power-brunoising right there. Now the remaining chefs must literally convince Tom to like their apples.
Tom and Padma are matching visions in plum.
10:14: Culinary student isn’t about doing things fast, he’s about doing them right. There is no wrong or right in food, Patrick. There is only bacon, or no bacon. And your salad? Does not have bacon.
10:20: Goodbye, Sarah Chalke-y looking girl, we hardly knew ye.
10:23: Elimination challenge: Hosea Rosenberg doesn’t know what Brighton Beach is. Somehow, I think he’ll be okay. You know, because of the Jews.
10:24: Team Rainbow? I’m queer, and they make me want to oppress myself.
10:25: Daniel, no, they don’t understand Long Island talk, which is not the same as “American talk.” Also, a vinaigrette is not, in fact, an emulsion.
10:31: I do feel a little bad for the people who are doing Brighton Beach/Russian food. And scared for us the viewers, since 17-foot-tall Carla is using her “spirit guide” to plan her dish.
10:32: How do you grow up in the U.S. and have “no experience” in Italian food? Really, none? Not even a Sbarros?
Also: Patrick, shut up.
10:36: Patrick: “Everything you could want as a chef is here.” Like “ovens and stoves.” Deep! Patrick, shut up. Fabio sounds like all my Italian cousins and I love him a little.
10:37: Despite the “Team Rainbow” BS, Richard looks like he would give a good hug.
10:40: “The fastest two hours of my life.” That’s what she said.
Re: the Bravo poll, which team are we rooting for, Team Rainbow or the Euro Duo, Brian: “Which number do I call for none of the above?”
10:41: I HATE the FreeCreditReport.com commercial guy with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns.
10:45: Guest judge Jean-Georges: A thinner, more talented Emeril.
10:46: Jean-Georges knows what ingredients you’re going to use before you do.
10:50: Fabio, squee!
10:51: A potato “lat-kee,” Carla? My eye is twitching. Meanwhile, Hosea used his psychic link to the rest of the tribe to nail the Russian Jews. (Not literally.)
10:55: Eugene’s lamb dish: I want that in my belly, right now.
10:56: Tom, “Overall, the most disappointing neighborhood is Chinatown.” Way to piss off a billion people, Tommy.
11:01: Patrick, shut up.
11:04: Victory to one of the red-faced bald men. I can’t begrudge it, his Middle Eastern food looked killer.
11:05: Patrick, shut up. Bravo, you bloated this episode out to one hour plus because I needed to listen to this?
11:06: No, Tom, some people do learn to cook with books. And Patrick, shut up. Maybe, just maybe, the world doesn’t want to share your passion.
11:13: Just pack your knives and go, Patrick. No talking. Just packing. And going.
Okay, one episode down. Who did you instantly hate?
Thursday Night Smackdown 
holy cow! we totally would have missed if i hadn’t been stalking your website! thanks for saving our top chef season life!
Carla scares me. She has the Crazy Eyes, and that ‘spirit guide’ crack confirmed it. I am liking the Euro Duo, though.
carla crazy… and who’s the dude with the crazy beard cut outs? or whatever the hell that is…
I tried to stay up and watch this, but Madame So-Not-A-Night-Person conked out five minutes before it started. I’ve been anxiously waiting to see a good recap. Thank you for satisfying my curiosity.
Your marital queerness(?) confuses me and is none of my bidniss, but I’m moving on quickly because I really want to talk about how Pattycakes’ failure was so predictable! “Gee, I’ve never used these black rice noodles before”. I called him turning those noods to glue and then getting assraped for it by the judges. His face looks like he chugged a whole bottle of niacin then spread out a blanket to lay out in nuclear winter for a few hours.
And his Special Friend From School deserved to go home early for using a recipe from Good Housekeeping in a FUCKING QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE.
Carla looks like a Fraggle.
I love that the brown person who came up the ranks from dishwasher (e.g., not a CIA grad or a sous at Le Cirque or some other high-falutin’ shit) is a Contender with a natural gift for southern Indian home-cooking.
peggasus, i don’t know how i feel about the scandinavian half of the duo yet. plus, i’m pretty sure this whole “euro duo” thing is going to start grating on my nerves in another oh, three minutes.
ECM, they’re like crop circles on his face. creepy. i’m pretty sure he’s the one from long island.
heather, right? you know the noodles were like a shiv to the kidney. i’d much rather start with fewer contestants with more competitive ability levels than have to deal with the obvious dead weight.
carla looks like tracy ellis ross. also, i think the brown person is named eugene. he’s a culinary savant!
No experience in Italian food befuddled me as well. Not even possible.
“10:24: Team Rainbow? I’m queer, and they make me want to oppress myself.”
Okay, I’ve been stalking your blog for quite sometime now, and I don’t know WHY this statement is the first to deeply compell me to leave comment.
Ah, yes. Because it’s TRUE.
Thank god the “hey, this might be a perfect time to use an ingredient that I have no idea how to cook” kid got the boot. I don’t want to share his passion until it matures a bit. Must say it was a tough call between the two, however. And considering the clips they showed from next week’s episode, they might have done better to get rid of the both of them.
I’m kinda’ all about Eugene. He’s the kind of bad-ass, intuitive chef I think we can all admire. Sweet tats, too.
By far the best line of the episode was Jean-Georges telling (I think, anyway) the non-Patrick male of Team Rainbow that he was not impressed with his “technique of overcooking the lamb.” Technique! priceless.
khemasanine, i agree that either one of them could have gotten the boot. i’m glad ariane got to stay, though; her restaurant is supposed to be really, really good. she’ll crack under the pressure in a week or two anyway, so we’ll be rid of her soon enough.
Seriously? Was no one totally gobsmacked that that Richard kid got through the Quickfire with BLOOD-SOAKED APPLES???!!! I mean, yes, they were peeled correctly, but I can’t believe that any chef, even Tom Cold-cockio, would accept those gore-infused fruit from a sous- or prep-chef. Anywhere. Just sayin’, I was hella grossed out by that.