GOOP: Hair gel, anal lube, slimy children’s candy or heinous new Gwyneth Paltrow website?

Probably all of the above. My ass chappage goes to 11, baby.*

First, some recognition: Good job, BHL; you were either loyal or industrious enough to correctly ID the last Frig? as a horrible attempt to render Thai peanut sauce as a dessert terrine.

For the weekend Frig? I bring you not a mind-boggling food product, but a mind-boggling internet product: www.goop.com, a soon-to-be website by the self-proclaimed Martha Stewart of younger, thinner, macrobiotic-diet eating mothers of children with pretentious names, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her tagline? “Nourish the inner aspect.” Her claim? “My life is good because I am the beautiful, privileged child of wealthy Hollywood royalty not passive about it.” She will tell us what to eat, where to go, and how to spend our hard-earned billions.  And since she’s doing it from the safety of a nation that’s not about to enter the Great Depression of Aught-Eight (or what I like to call the Flaming Financial Shitball That’s Going to Spray All Over YOU PERSONALLY When It Hits The Fan Any Moment Now of ’08, or FFSTGTSAOYYPWIHTFAMN, ’08**), we’ll never have to worry about a disruption in content! Yay!

Sweet holy Moses and Apple on pogo sticks, what the fuck? She has gajillions of dollars, she couldn’t pay someone to fix up her shitty writing and come up with a better tagline? Better yet, she couldn’t pay someone to explain to her what a ridiculous idea this is? I would do it for the bargain price of $2 million, lump sum please.

While the site is just a placeholder now, I for one have already begun holding my breath for its launch, and look forward to her recipes and homemaking advice. I’m starting to get lightheaded, but I’m sure it will TOTALLY be worth it in the end.

The frig?

*So does Sars’.

**Flaming Shitballs: Also the name of my new punk band.