I tend to have clear-headed periods late at night, so…
Yes, I am having something of a relapse. No, it doesn’t involve me being misdiagnosed or incorrectly medicated or hospitalized or lying on the couch begging for the sweet release of death, so at least there’s been a net gain in things since last year.
Things continue to suck for me, although I think today sucked marginally less than yesterday which in turn sucked marginally less than the day before, thank god for small blessings. I have a Master’s degree from Harvard, a law degree from NYU, and have beaten cancer, and I’m happy that I was able to make myself get up and walk the dogs for 30 minutes before I had to come back to the house and cry. Hooray!
Blood tests show that my meds are all outta whack, which explains a lot. My doctor has plans, and contingencies for the plans, and contingencies for the contingencies, and other, secret plans that no one knows but her and her cat. (Okay, I don’t actually know that she owns a cat. But she seems like the type.) It may take a little time and the waiting is painful, oh so very, very painful, but there’s no other option. I’m trying to put my trust in everyone around me and believe me when they say things are going to be okay.
In the meantime, here are some learnings. Take 2 with a grain of salt and call me in the morning:
- When you are depressed and/or anxious and/or crazy in some other way and are not eating, and then you have a calm period where you can, eat a LOT. Like a camel with water. Get yourself to the next oasis safely. Watch it with the mashed potatoes, though, because they will sit in your GI tract like a goddamned rock.
- Sedating yourself to sleep will only allow yourself to ignore your current feelings and wait for your meds to kick in for so long. Suck it up and stay awake. It will suck, but will suck less in the long run. I mean, i hope it will; that’s what the doctor tells me.
- If you ever do find yourself laying on a couch begging for the sweet release of death, give yourself up to your friends and family and/or doctor and do whatever they say. Unless your friends and family are all psychopaths and/or serial killers, they will not allow you to fulfill this wish, they will force you to get the help you need, and you will come out the other side and go on to author a blog known mainly for its liberal use of the f-bomb rather than interesting content. (Everyone’s got a niche.)
- Internet strangers are crazy amazing. They will be drawn to your cuss-laden blog like moths to a flame. When you post about your current state of fuckupedness, they will write hundreds of comments and emails, slip notes under your front door and send gifts to your home, and you will be amazed at how much they care and will wonder why you didn’t start cursing on the internet years ago.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Take care hun. I been there, and am sending as many good vibes and healthy thoughts and I can cram into a bubble mailer.
*hugs*
It all sounds like good advice, Michelle 🙂 I’m glad you have an excellent support system around you!
i’m glad the suckage isn’t quite the pull it was yesterday. that’s a good thing. that means that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the train coming to run you over, it’s the end of the tunnel instead. 🙂
many good thoughts, empathies and just for you:
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
because everyone needs some f-bombs in their day 🙂
i hope your medications start working soon and you’re back to feeling only somewhat fucked up (like the rest of the depression controlled fucked up people, like me)
Michelle! It’s great to see you, babe! Everything really *is* going to be ok. Believe the people around you when they tell you that. I’m so glad your doctor and her cat are working on a better cocktail of meds for you. It’s amazing what the right combo can do for a girl (and for a guy, too I guess…but being a girl and all…wtf am I even explaining this shit? lmfao). (hugs) You’re in my thoughts, and I’ll be waiting right here for when you wanna come back and drop all the f-bombs you want on these internets. 🙂
So great to see you, even if there was only one f-bomb in your whole post 😉
Sounds like you have an amazing group of people there for you, hang on in there, stay clear of the mash and see you again soon
Awesome to hear you’re doing better and have a great support system. And glad to hear you’re eating. Food rocks!
Wishing you continued progress 🙂
If you’ve been around the block with this a few times (I certainly have), you might add this one to your really good list:
5. You’ve been through this before and each time, it finally passed. You’re sure it won’t this time — this time is so different, things are really so much worse than before. Even though it doesn’t FEEL like it, just for awhile go with that memory that it passed before. Wait, wait wait.
I’m glad you are having moments of clarity, when you can see some light. I hope this one passes very soon. Sending hope to you…
What Lori said. Each day sucking less is something to cling wildly to, I know how some days that’s all there is, but it’s *something! ::hugs::
Michelle,
I’ve been following your last few posts very closely (am an avid reader usually) but haven’t posted a comment because words seem to fail me right now. But this post really moved me, as I have suffered from very similar issues in the past. It’s an amazingly good sign that you have moments of clarity and that each day is sucking a little less. Keep holding on to your family and friends and we’ll all be here to support you too. It takes time but you’ll make it through and we’ll be here every step of the way.
Oh! I see you coming out the other side! YOur sense of humor is intact – yippee!! Now continue to take your good advice (per above) and each day will be a little better.
Gentle hugs, Judy
take care of yourself! it sounds like things may be starting to turn around for you, and once you feel like yourself again we’ll all be here ready to read whatever you want to write! Just know that eventually, things will get better!
**hugs** Hope things get better for you!
This post is proof! You are seeing the light at the end of the old tunnel. Get better!
Sounds like you are making steps on the road to recovery. It may be long but you will get there. Hope you feel like yourself soon!
Hey there… so good to hear from you again! We’ll all be here when you get back to your old cussing frequently posting self. In the meantime, if you stick to your own excellent advice, I know you’ll be okay. Take care.
Good luck! Sounds like you have a good perspective and great support.
It’s good to hear from you, Michelle! I’m glad your days are getting marginally better as they go by–that’s promising. Also good that your Doc and her cat are on the case. They’re smart, those cats.
Take care!
You give wise advice and though you may or may not want a hug from a stranger, here’s a virtual one 🙂
Hang in there baby, we are there for you.
you’ve just given me my new favorite word – fuckupness…or is it fuckedupness?
more virtual hugs from a stranger…or maybe just someone strange 😉
If you tilt your head to the left, and squint your eyes you can just barely see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Just trust me, it’s there and you’re heading to it.
I have been reading food blogs for about two months now, but never posted. From Ruhlman, to French Laundry at Home, to (what was the last one?), to you. I like your style. I like your pizzaz. I want you to know that you’re gonna make it, hon. My mom was bipolar (mid-60’s, who knew?) and committed suicide when I was 18. My son was diagnosed bipolar in his 20’s. Like you, he is very talented — a writer and musician. About 3 years ago they got his meds all fucked up, and I really thought I’d lose him. Luckily, we are very close. He lives about two hours away, but we talked every night for 4 months and spent every weekend together. It was a tough road. But we got through it, and here we are, three years later! You hang, hang, hang in there (not literally :)! You have family, friends and even strangers who love you, and won’t let you go. So keep working through it and soon the light will come sparkling back, I promise.
Tomorrow will be marginally better, too, so keep your chin up. You’re right about eating as much as possible when you actually get the urge to eat at all. Use this to your advantage and get Brian to make you crazy shit, like the timpano from Big Night or a Turducken.
Your blog is one of the few that I read with a passion, going ‘yay’ whenever there is a new post. This has a very specific reason: you are awesome! I love your writing-style, I love your approach to cooking and your joy for real food, and I love that you share it with all of us. Thank you for that!
I do not know what you go trough, how could any of us. But hundreds of internet strangers are now wishing you all the best, because you are one of those people that make the world and thus with it life, more enjoyable!
I never heard of your blog before today, when I saw the link in the “Gallery of Regrettable Foods” thread on eGullet. “The Horror, Y’all” had me laughing my ass off. Now I’m going to subscribe and I fully expect to continue laughing my ass off. Just so you know. And thanks.
Mashed potatoes are bad? Really? I thought potatoes could cure everything.
Glad to see you back, if only to say things still kinda suck.
We almost did a First Thursday yesterday, but the universe conspired against us, in the form of 4 rowdy kids and a complete and utter lack of sleep (ah, summer break). Not to mention, we ended up missing half the ingredients in the meal we picked out. In any case, we’ve been thinking of you.
Get good and better, M, so you can get back to kicking culinary ass. It’s what that jerk Keller would want.
“…Everything is going to be OK.”
🙂 Whew.
Take care of yourself.
New to your blog but want to say I hope things continue to improve for you.
You are sounding good. I see the fighter coming out.Keep it up.
Glad to hear from you, wonderful woman. Much love~
I just spent the weekend with a very dear friend who attempted to go off her meds earlier this summer and it made a mess of the family vacation. Moral of the story: Don’t mess with the body chemistry when it comes to depression. I know there is no easy solution when it comes to figuring out the best ways to wire your brain chemistry, but I continue to send my wishes that you find the very best solution.
You know, you almost make me feel guilty for speaking with such ladylike language on my own blog! 😉
Take care, nice advice 🙂
Take care, and I’m pulling for you too. I suffer from the same thing as you, so I can really empathise with what you’re going through right now. Oh, so much. My doctor, though, believes that sleep is one of the most important things for us, as somehow being bi-polar messes up your sleep cycles, and we can’t reach stage 4 sleep, which makes everything worse. When I’m cycling, I do take sleep meds, well Klonopan, which does the same thing for me. I THINK it helps, but who knows. Please hang in there, you’re doing great. Hurry back to us. Reading your blog really helps MY depression.
Sweet, restful, peaceful thoughts to you, sweet lady.
Take care Michelle- glad to hear you’re doing okay (you are sounding like your old feisty self again).
We miss you and your use of the word fuck. : )
HANG IN THERE! I promise you, it will get better. (Trust me on this one. I don’t know how it possibly happens, but it does.) It totally fucking sucks right now, but it won’t always be like today or yesterday. I’m planning a Thursday Night Smackdown in your honor this week–we’ll be eating and drinking and thinking about you all night. We’re a pretty big and rowdy bunch (foulmouthed too!) so that’s a whole lotta love heading your way. Keep your chin up, and bombs-away!
Wow, Michelle, you’re bravest, strongest, and the most honest person I know! Meds are always a tricky thing because they can be set off by hormones, change in body chemistry, stress, or just about anything. But, a combo that works for you will certainly surface. Hopefully while in the darkness, you’ll remember that it’s just a matter of time until you’re well. . .but also remember to take your time in healing. There’s no rush.
Take great care, my friend. I look forward to future smackdowns! The fall is coming. . .there will be gourds!
Fuckupedness comes and goes. I’ve been there, and considering most bloggers are writers and most writers are artists and most artists are crazy, I can safely assume most of the other bloggers have been there, too. We will wait for you. 🙂
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher
Fuckin’ thinking about you! I have been hesitant to even blog about my pregnancy…I admire you so much for sharing your current struggles.
Kitty
You’re my favorite nut-job-in-chief. Hang in there. xoxoxo
I’ve only just come across your site (was referred from Canary Girl who I got through from Taste Spotting) and I already love it and wanted to send you some sunshine from Montreal. You seem like an amazing, inspirational person – I’ve only been on your blog for 15 minutes and my mind is already firing like a faulty barbecue lighter stuck on ignite. Can’t wait to read more when you’re feeling good again.
Sending all good thoughts on the wind from the south of France! (And prayers for abundance!)
Leslie