Dear Now-Former Colleagues: Perhaps I might have stayed longer had there been less interracial nose molestation around the office. Alas, we will never know.
I kid because I love! And even though this photo is exactly what it looks like, I will still miss all of you. You made coming in to work fun. And also kinda gross and occasionally sticky. But mostly fun.
Thus, I’m taking advantage of my position as a blogger read by more than seven people to make public all the things I will miss about you. (Folks here to read about food: indulge me, please.)
In no particular order:
Clayton, I regret that I will not be here for the day your budding mustache crosses the line between “hipster chic” and “Olde-Timey Villain About to Tie A Damsel to the Train Tracks.”
Kiesrten, I’m sorry I won’t be there to untie you from the tracks in time.
Mark, I’m sad that I will now play only a peripheral role in your plans for world domination, and hope that you remember me down the line and give me a plum position in your regime. I think I’d make an excellent Grand Vizier.
Cara, I’ll miss waiting every day with bated breath to hear what the hell will come out of your mouth next.
Joyce, I’m not sure if there’s anything to regret, because your exclamations of joy and/or horror carry quite a distance, making it easy to stay in the loop.
Guirlaine, I rue that I will not be present the day the floral arrangements are delivered to the wrong venue and the release of decades of pent-up frustration causes a rift in the space-time continuum that selectively sucks in event consultants.
Rachel, I now have no one to make me feel better about not being the only one to eat ice cream for lunch.
Luke, I will miss your puns and japes – they always raised my spirits, because at least I knew I was funnier than someone.
Mike, I’m sorry to be taking home the secret stash of Valium in my desk drawer. Try deep breathing, or consider a crack addiction.
Scottie, my life will now be almost entirely devoid of procedures, most likely causing me to publicly embarrass myself on a regular basis.
Susan, Bruce and Sarita, we didn’t get to work together long, which makes me uncomfortable picking on you in a public forum. You are all lovely people with very nice hair and winning smiles. If I have the chance to get to know you better, I will edit this post to include inappropriately personal foibles I’ve observed at that time.
Nick, it’s unfortunate that I won’t be able to watch your transformation into My Cousin Vinny.
Lynn, I will miss the delicious chocolates you bring back from Switzerland, and the many diverting stories about cat vomit that made the walk to the subway seem like only a step or two.
Annie, I will not miss the way being around you is fun, yet also makes me feel impossibly old. Grow up already.
Mihai, I don’t know if I’ll miss you, because I’m fairly sure you’re a Cold War-era robot from Eastern Europe deployed here to confound the enemy and then forgotten by time. I can only pray that you never develop human emotions.
Finally, Judy: I want to be you when I grow up.