Don’t you dare play me off, you sons of bitches.

I was debating between the classic Sally Field acceptance speech, the Kayne/Taylor Swift thing or a pic of the Biebs getting some kind of tweenybopper award for Most Comically Oversized High-Top Sneakers of 2011.

But then I saw this photo, in which an ailing Kirk Douglas heroically leaps to the stage to stop Melissa Leo from bludgeoning Angelina Jolie with an Oscar statuette during a live broadcast, and I had to go with it. At least, I assume that’s what’s happening here.

Oh, the humanity.

You have perhaps noticed that I have not produced any foodstuffs this week, and I’ve come to explain myself: you see, on cloud nine, there’s no need to actually eat food. You subsist on a steady diet of champagne and euphoria.

Why the euphoria? Because after eight years of doggedly working at a job that I knew didn’t make me happy but seemed like the most I could hope for, my last day is July 26th. Even better, my last day is July 26th because I’m pursuingĀ  exciting new opportunities and not because I’m finally being fired for thinking that yoga pants and Birkenstocks are appropriate business attire.*

Here’s where you come in. Without your support, comments and encouragement over the past 4+ years, I wouldn’t have had the confidence in my writing and my voice to try and reach for anything bigger than what I had. You helped me see that there’s a power in what I have to say and how I say it, and that I can get people to sit up, listen, connect and engage. There are no words I can string together that would adequately show how deeply, incredibly thankful I am for that. It’s certainly not something I ever expected from this little project, but now I can’t imagine things being any other way. Ever since I was five, all I wanted was to be a writer. Now, thanks to you, I am. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, that’s major.

Now I’m all sincere and teary and verklempt and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. I love you all, you crazy assholes.

Please know that if provided with adequate time and financial resources, I would take each one of you out to dinner and a movie and let you get to third base afterward. A few special people would be allowed to go all the way; you know who you are.

TNS readers: Great readers, or THE GREATEST readers? I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

*Dear New Employer,

Unfortunately for you, I still kind of think that.

Best,
Your Most Comfortable Employee

50 thoughts on “Don’t you dare play me off, you sons of bitches.

  1. As an aspiring writer myself, I’m really happy for you! You are a gifted writer and anything you do will be amazing :)

    Now, go cook some food! *wink*

  2. Duh. That’s because You = Awesome.

    I’m with you on the yoga pants, the Birks…not so much.

    Mexican or Italian for dinner? I’m fine with either.

  3. That’s amazing! And, I have to say that I {selfishly} hope you’ll be able to provide my entertainment more often. I mean, what am I paying you for.

    Oh wait…RSS feeds are free…

  4. Squee! I’m so glad that you are moving on to something that is going to give you such fulfillment! Your unique voice and style are going to take you far, and I’m glad I’m along for the somewhat voyeuristic ride.
    I’m down with the yoga pants as work attire too, but I’ve discovered a sneaky way around: Maxi dresses. I throw one on, and people are all “Oh a dress! You look so lovely!” and I giggle to myself because they are as comfortable as pajamas. Empire waisted maxi dresses are my fabric best friends.

  5. Woah, awesome news!! I’m so proud of you and excited for you. I can’t wait to hear all about it.

    Hugs,
    Gina Marie

  6. Yay!!! Congratulations! Your writing brings me many laughs and much hunger (except when you cook up poor widdle bunnies)…(and fish mush)! I love seeing a new update from you. I hope you are still pondering recapping Top Chef Masters–those write-ups are the best (kiss up, kiss up).

  7. This love letter was an unexpected delight. Thanks Michelle
    for going all sincere on us and for continuing
    to inspire me with becoming unforgivingly
    authentic. I hope this means that the OBX
    BBQ stand is still on the bucket list.

  8. Oh My Good Goddess, You Just Made Me So Friggin’ Happy With This Post!!! I love it ! ! ! Looks like the Universe finally pulled its head out of its ass and remembered where you live ! Congratulations on your new job, and I hope you are at least 100 times happier than you even dream you’re gonna be. Kisses and Good Wishes, Michelle. Live long and prosper, and please don’t forget about us in your free time between three and four a.m.

  9. Hot damn, congratulations on the new gig! May the pay and awesomeness be measured in buckets. Like, big ones. Runneth-over buckets.

    And as someone who strolled in to my non-profit last summer in Tevas and a ratty Old Navy sundress and managed not to get fired (corner cubicle FTW), I salute your business attire!

  10. Yee-haw! Proud for you. Whatever the new gig is, send me their address and I will duly write them and tell them how freaking lucky they are to have you, and I will sign the name of some appropriate important person.

  11. Congratulations! You deserve this, and have more than earned it. Your writing makes so many of us so very happy, hope the new job does the same for you!

  12. Awwww!!! I fucking LOVE hearing that you have a job that means more than just a paycheck! You deserve it! You have a way with words that makes me snort coffee out my nose unexpectedly… (I’ve learnt not to be drinking coffee while reading your stuff, it’s fucking priceless!!)
    You have my sincere congratulations, this news just made my day!

  13. Congratulations! Did you get another awesome job, or are you one step closer to opening your beachbbq dream spot? (I live in NC, so I’m excited about that happening, for real.)

  14. Congratulations! I think hereafter your readers should always be referred to as “The Crazy Assholes”. It’s much better than “Little Monsters” or such shit.

  15. That’s fantastic. I’ve seen firsthand how moving from a job you hate to one you like can make your entire life better. So happy for you that you get to experience that. Congrats.

  16. Congrats on new job! I’ve only been here a mont or so, so I’m assuming I’m one that would get to go all the way with you, what with my being all young and clean and naive and virginal and stuff. Basically I got here just in time!

  17. man, you crazy assholes, you just keep ‘em coming! rest assured, I will eventually divulge more detail. and then, since i work in non-profit world, i’ll probably ask you for money.

  18. Been making my living from writing for…oh…a long time. Can’t say it’s all been bliss…nor that it is currently all bliss, but it’s still a great way to make a living. Honestly. So snap a cracker or two for me, blow the little paper-tube-unfolding-like-a-snail thingy and accept my hearty congratulations. Oh…and then get back to writing the damn blog because, as much as we love you, we also need you. ;)

  19. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    Sorry for yelling.

    If you ever write anything that we’re allowed to read, please share with us!

  20. I’m already intrigued and inspired by your blog thanks to the feature on Saveur – Sites We love. I too am stuck in a job I kind of really hate and long from freedom and the ability to pursue things that I’m far more interested in – so congratulations on your new job!

    @ Rachel up there – I snickered at my desk because I too have discovered the joy of maxi dresses, so comfy and flattering, yet everyone thinks you look all dressed up! Jokes on them right?

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