< soapbox > POST < / soapbox >*

I know this is supposed to be a food blog, but I can’t help but be troubled by the continued effort of many U.S. states to colonize my uterus.

It’s had my panties in a bunch all afternoon. Well, actually, now that I think about it, maybe not. Missing the 9:07AM train gets my panties in a bunch. Realizing I’m out of flour after I’ve already started creaming the butter and sugar for chocolate chip cookies gets my panties in a bunch. State-sponsored uterine outposts are another matter entirely.

*I thought I’d try to inject a little levity with HTML humor, which is always a hit and not in any way stale.

corn n' stuff

Although this is probably wishful thinking, it may just be that the nation’s legislators need a basic refresher as to why it is perhaps a problematic idea to require women to carry non-viable pregnancies to term in order to deliver a fetus alive and then have it die. And I know many members of the Georgia legislative and executive branches read TNS religiously*, because I’m always having to block their IP addresses after getting deluges of spammy comments like, “Dudz rule, chikz drool!” and and “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live! Jesus 4 evah!”

I am, therefore, willing to take one for the team. Normally I don’t like having to explain basic principles of women’s rights, because it’s not my job to convince you my view is correct; the onus is on YOU** to stop being a dickrag. But this one’s for you, Georgia legislators. Governor Deal, you pay attention too.

*Zing!

**Not you in particular, you’re not a dickrag. Unless the person reading this is a member of the Georgia House or Senate, in which case: yes, you.

wet n' dry

WOMEN ARE

  • Actual autonomous human persons

WOMEN ARE NOT

  • Cattle
  • From Venus
  • Humanoid incubators
  • “Little Ladies”
  • “Girls”
  • Your mother
  • Bad drivers
  • Bitches
  • Whores
  • Whore-Bitches
  • Men Lite

batter up

Further extrapolation may be required for people who, like Georgia State Representative Terry England, were tragically born with their heads lodged in their asses. Acknowledging that women are autonomous human persons means acknowledging that we have bodily sovereignty. Acknowledging bodily sovereignty means acknowledging that uteri are not public fora. My uterus is not a bus station, shopping mall or national park.*

This means that had Rep. England’s mother had access to technology that could have detected his advanced case of head-in-ass syndrome – also known as the capet intragluteal mutation or “Pat Robertson’s Disease” – she could have chosen to abort the fetus rather than bring it to term. Which would not really have been a tragedy for Rep. England, who would never have known any better, and might really have benefited the great state of Georgia. Plus, his mother wouldn’t have had to watch him die the slow, painful public death that inevitably befalls anyone suffering from the syndrome.

*Unless I deem it so, but then there would definitely be rules about overnight camping, as well as a carry-in-carry-out trash program.

pre-baked

I’m fairly certain that the time for reasoned discourse ended once someone proposed a bill that would allow the state to SHOVE A WAND INTO MY VAGINA, and that it is now the time for ACTION. (I’m sorry to be so yelly, but, you know, IT’S MY FUCKING VAGINA.)

Thus, when I wake up tomorrow morning and check the news before heading out the door to work, I want to see women tearing shit up in Georgia, Arizona, New Hampshire and any other state that clings to the misguided notions that women’s bodies are state property and that uterine parasite* disposal is anything other than private business. Riot French-style! Flip cars over and set them on fire! Flip your legislators over and set THEM on fire!

*Yes, I know, some of these parasites grow into your children…who then transform into extra-uterine parasites. Face it: your kids are adorable and funny and the best thing that ever happened to you and precious bundles of joy from the lord, but it’s not like they’re offering to get part-time jobs to help out with the mortgage or anything.

fin

Now that half my readers have clicked away in disgust and the other half are convinced that I’m a man-hating feminist who wants to put the nation’s children to work in the coal mines, I’ll let it go. I’ve done the most that any American citizen can really do: complain about shit on the internet.

For those who made it this far, I’ll reveal the real reason my panties are in a bunch right now: the subpar corn spoonbread I produced for dinner tonight. Brian barely ate half of this, and those of you who know Brian in real life know what a damning critique that is.

I wanted something creamy and puddingy, with lots of corn flavor. I also wanted to incorporate the flavors of Mexican street corn – the lime, the chile, the cheese, the mayo. So I took a basic Edna Lewis spoonbread recipe and folded in whole corn kernels, sauteed onions and poblanos, and some cotija. When the bread came out of the oven, I opened a crater in the middle and spooned in a little lime-cilantro mayo, hoping it would get all melty and allow the flavor to soak into the hot spoonbread.

dinner

Pretty much nothing worked as I’d hoped. The spoonbread was much more dense and bready than creamy and ethereal. The mayo just stayed put, forcing the diner to either smear it over the top (yuck) or scrape it off. Thank god for some seared scallops and dark greens with red pepper flake, or we would have had to kill and roast one of the dogs to stave off hunger.

Needless to say, I will not inflict this recipe upon you. Some things sound like a much better idea in theory than they are in practice, like electing Terry England to public office.

ETA: It’s Wednesday morning, I just checked the New York Times, and there was NOTHING about feminist revolt in Georgia. I will go down there and start one myself if I have to.

41 thoughts on “< soapbox > POST < / soapbox >*

  1. Nodded so hard and emphatically throughout reading this that I now practically require a neck brace. Seriously, a thousand times UGH.

    Bummer about the spoonbread. I’m about to make cornbread: will do so with more care than usual.

  2. You are officially my favorite food blogger. Dickrag? That’s rich! I am so tired of these self-righteous asshats. It almost makes me wish I did live in GA so I could light a couple of dog turds on the stoops of those dickrags (you know I’m gonna be using that phrase about a million times tomorrow).

    Maybe you could try you fried mush instead of spoonbread? It’d be easy to add those lovely flavors/items. Def missing bacon. Or your homemade chorizo. Try chipotle crema instead of mayo? If I’m pissed about something, my food always comes out crappy.

    Tomorrow is a new day.

  3. What drives me the craziest about this whole explosion of anti-women garbage that’s happening right now is that it’s happening right now. IT IS 2012. How did people grow to adulthood without once being taught that women are, in fact, autonomous human beings? How did otherwise intelligent (I’m assuming) people then VOTE for them in numbers high enough to elect them to public office? WHY is this election being fought on the bodies of women?

    Also, wtf, New Hampshire, you’re supposed to be in New England. I know you’re the redneck member of the family, but can’t you just be rednecky for New England? Go back to holing up in the woods with a shotgun, refusing to pay taxes, and selling me low-priced liquor. Leave my ownership of my own body out of it.

  4. It makes me feel so much better that I’m not the only one ranting about this! You are much more eloquent, however… best I can come up with is “fuckin’ fuckheads”

  5. Beautiful, wonderful, magnificent post. I can’t say 1/8th of what you said around where I live and go to school, so I’m very happy you’re ranting for me.
    Of course, on the opposite end of the “It’s my body, back off!” spectrum, I’d like to end teenage pregnancy by putting birth control in the water at schools. So I guess I’m a hypocrite about states managing bodies. Or just really anti-unintended pregnancies.

  6. Bravo, Michele! I came of age in the years immediately after Roe v Wade and I never, ever thought we’d see bullshit like this! I would dearly love to take a transvaginal probe and ram it into these legislator’s asses. How in the hell did we get to the point where we are again allowing men to decide our destinies? Where the hell is the outrage? It seems like women in many of these states are regressing, turning back into those meek, sheep-like creatures of the 50′s, doing whatever men say is best for them. I’m past the age where I need to worry about getting pregnant, but DAMN IT, we all need to be FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!

  7. @everyone, whew! i admit to being a little nervous when i hit the “publish” button, what with advocating setting people on fire and calling children parasites.

    to all those who care deeply about these issues, may i recommend to you the excellent blog i blame the patriarchy? it’s not for everyone, but for those for whom it resonates it’s amazing.

  8. I agree with every word. Vehemently. I grew up Down South and this is what it was like
    in the mid to late 60s there. The rest of the US was making progress to the future, back then. I don’t understand why or when so many people went crazy negative about the simplest, most obvious women’s rights. i would love to read a dissertation on this.

    In my worst moments, it seems to be a new version of the old Salem witch hunts: any woman especially those who managed to live their adult lives single – without a man: MUST be evil. and, you know, women are just inherently evil – it is their nature.

    I know, it is in my worst moments, but, SOMETIMES, it is the only thing that seems to explain what i am seeing. Shaming wands if you need an abortion? Contraception is evil? Everything is upside down.

  9. I work in abortion care and I actually know a truckload of Georgia feminists who are so mad about this. Providing compassionate medical care is all part of the revolution. Just don’t expect the NY times to report on it.

    P.S. I find it so satisfying when bloggers who I read for non-repro justice reasons care about the same shit I do. Keep it up.

  10. I swear, these people make me want to get pregnant and have an abortion out of spite.

    Given the crazy-ass things I’ve seen people saying about this stuff, they assume you’re doing that already. Or they assume “some women” – not you, of course, those other women – are “irresponsible” and “use abortion as contraception” so all this idiocy is justified.

    Or they go the other way and think women are baby-crazed sperm-thieves rummaging through dumpsters looking for used condoms so they can inseminate themselves and have the government force some poor man at gunpoint to give them all his money, which is exactly the same thing as forced pregnancy so really women have more rights than men already.

    People are stupid.

  11. Re: going to Georgia to start the riot. When and where? I can leave now and be there in seven hours or so.

    My uterus being past the age of being subject to legislative invasion, I nevertheless have three daughters of childbearing age and a granddaughter. I ain’t having this shit.

  12. I prefer my food with a side of opinionated, thoughtful intellectual debate, so as far as I’m concerned, more posts like this, please!

    I can’t understand why the republican party hates women.

  13. I’m angry too. All the people who want to force women to have babies they don’t want are the same people taking funding away from social programs to help women raise those same kids during tough times and yanking funding from schools where kids might (possibly) learn that they don’t have to grow up and have more kids.

    The most horrifying part is knowing that so many conservative (and religious) women are 100% behind taking us back to the dark ages.

    The douchebaggery is breathtaking. I am shouting from my own rooftop and I have to believe that women’s rights will prevail. Either that or double my medication.

  14. @cori, i have contemplated the same thing.

    @amb, and if they want to use abortion as contraception, WHO CARES? look, either the clump of cells is a baby, or it’s a clump of cells. it doesn’t make sense any other way. if you want to deal with extracting a clump of cells rather than using some pre-conception contraceptive method, be my guest.

    and yes, people are stupid.

    @kayb, whatever, they’ll find a way to fuck with your uterus too.

    @andrea, unfortunately, i don’t think it’s just the republican party. they’re just more vocal.

  15. It seems that so much of it has to do with them thinking that people are actually having sex for PLEASURE and not procreation, which is just unfathomable in their eyes (let’s face it, who would want to have sex with most of them anyway?), so any and all to do with that is therefore evil- do they mandate that the men whose insurance is paying for Viagra to be married and having sex only for procreation? The whole thing is just so infuriating on so many levels and I am so glad to see all the other similar opinions. Thank you for your rant!

  16. On the cooking side, it is hard to imagine that anything bad could come out of what you pictured in the first photo.

  17. You know, I read but never comment on the food stuff, but I’m just de-lurking to say right fucking on. Sorry your spoonbread was nearly as tragic as all the bullshit legislation that has been proposed and, too often, PASSED in the last year plus.

    Also, to the person upthread who works in abortion care: THANK YOU.

  18. I’ve had a shit day and a bit of rioting wouldn’t go amiss. I can be there in eight hours. I’ll bring my shovel.

  19. Can I join the riot remotely? Georgia’s a little too far, but I’m totally ready to shout rude things at any jackass who thinks he can legislate who puts what in people’s vaginas WITHOUT CONSULTING THE VAGINA-OWNERS FIRST. Srsly, what the fuck.
    I hope your next spoonbread attempt comes out better, and I hope it comes with an equally awesome rant, although you have your work cut out for you.

  20. Well, children ARE parasites.

    I want to bite the blatant ignoramuses who’ve decided that they deserve to tell us what to do with our genitalia and the fruit thereof. And I don’t really bite people. But GOT-DANG if they don’t deserve some biting, and also a reminder that WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS. Good gravy.

    Shame about the spoonbread–I’d never heard of such a thing before now, but now I’M craving something puddingy. Or maybe custardy. Too bad all we have in the fridge is ham.

  21. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I cannot believe that we are in the year 2012 and still having these discussions.

  22. @maven, seriously. i second your THANK YOU.

    @miserichik, my vagina is unwilling to undergo the public scrutiny required of candidates for public (pubic?) office.

  23. The fact that this is even an issue in 2012 amazes and disgusts me. It makes me so mad, the words won’t even come out, so to you, Michelle, I say thank you for reading my mind and putting what I’m thinking into words. And to the person who works in abortion care – you are a hero to me.
    Now, about that spoonbread, was there creamed corn in the recipe? On it’s own, ick, but in spoonbread it helps with the creaminess.

  24. @tanis, no, no creamed corn. maybe i’ll wait until fresh corn season, make homemade creamed corn and THEN try again.

    @lauren, you’re welcome, and delurk more often!

  25. I was silently laughing so hard I am crying. Thank you.

    On the recipe side, I once made a recipe called Corn with Corn that was sort of a corn pudding or spoon bread with corn in it. I thought it was quite tasty. I think it came from the Monday to Friday cookbook but I can’t find it at the moment. I’m sorry yours didn’t quite come out the way you wanted — it sounds as though it should have been delicious.

  26. I live the next county over from England’s district (and would like to mention that the R-Athens rep, Doug McKillip, is a bigger dickrag for introducing the bill in the first place) and would like to throw in my support for a cross-country feminist revolt against reproductive legislation. My vagina is not an issue up for representative debate, unlike taxes, or super speeder laws. I would gladly put you up, Michelle, if you came down to help start something, because nobody down here is going to do anything but post shit on Facebook.

    Also, may I mention that while England IS, in fact, a chickenshit who can’t defend himself, and I do not endorse him in any way, I would like to note that the debate he is quoted in as (allegedly) comparing human abortion as equal to Leutalyse injections in livestock for profitability purposes is not germane to HB 954. It was kipped from an agriculture-related debate held on the floor months earlier. I still maintain that the bill itself is bullshit, but so have been the methods used to bring attention to the issue.

  27. AMEN. I am so sick to death of the Republican party’s women-hating. I mean, let’s just go ahead and legalize spousal abuse while we’re all infiltrating vaginas here. Gotta keep those silly women-folk in line, amiright?

    Also…Dickrag is my new favorite thing ever. I now have a replacement for my previous favorite, douchecanoe.

  28. A-fucking-men to that…. I haven’t laughed, while simultaneously wanting to punch someone in the throat, more than I do right now. Luckily for these douche nozzles, I’m land locked in MN and don’t have the energy to travel far enough for my raging vagina to unleash it’s vengeance on them…

  29. Okay, so a couple years ago you went off on my brother… yes, actually my brother… for his mini appearance on Top Chef Masters (the wacky guy with the long hair who pulled a rabbit out of it. It’s a goofy schtick, but FYI he’s one of the best magicians in the business.

    Since then, I just check you out occasionally.

    Baby, I’m back! I’m sick of the Republican call for a small government if the role of the government is to help put food on the tables of its citizens, and a large government if the role of the government is to control what happens in my bedroom and my doctor’s office.

    (One of my students’ lines: They want a government so small it’ll fit in my uterus.)

    Thank you for your politics!

  30. @kate, your clarifications are much appreciated.

    @stephanie, i wouldn’t have had to go off on your brother if he hadn’t had a rat tail. thanks for hanging around in spite of that!

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