Tonight: Mike Isabella wins, and we all cry. Right? And someone has to cook Morimoto’s last meal; I hope he picks fish noodles.
Last Week: Many opportunities for conch jokes were bypassed. The chefs cooked on the beach for the Nassau Branch Davidians/Yacht Club, and the wretched Isabella won the day. Tiffany served cold soup, and had to pack her knives.
10:01: Let’s go, Black Hammer! Boys club, schmoys club.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Assign a classic Quickfire challenge to your competitors. Mike gives Antonia the canned foods. Antonia gives Richard hot dogs. Richard gives Mike the one-pot challenge.
Also: ENOUGH WITH THE “COUSINS.”
10:04: You can use the pressure cooker as your one pot? I thought it was just a pot pot. Not sure how I feel about this, but my feelings about Mike might be clouding my judgment.
Then again, he’s making beenie weenies, so he can dig his own grave.
10:05: A TWEEST! Dumb.
10:06: Richard takes utensils away from Mike. Antonia makes Richard cook with one hand. Antonia has to go double-apron with Carla, and not in a dirty way.
10:09: Whoa, Richard’s plate looks vile. Brian: “He’s got some balls serving that to Wolfgang Puck.”
10:11: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, you should probably just eat worms and die.
10:14: Antonia, your soup was good if too concentrated. Mike, your pork was slightly undercooked. Richard, you made a ketchup sandwich, and he says “sandwich” like it’s a total insult.
10:15: WINNER: Mike. GOODAMMIT.
10:16: Every time Mike wins a challenge, the rage grows.
10:17: ELIMINATION: Prepare and serve the last suppers for Puck, Morimoto and Michelle Bernstein.
Mike picks Michelle, and assigns Morimoto to Antonia and Puck to Richard. There’s a TWEEST envelope that will fuck things up later.
10:18: Puck wants goulash with spaetzle and apple streudel. Bernstein wants fried chicken and biscuits and gravy. (Yes!) Morimoto wants miso soup and sashimi.
10:21: “Who dresses Mike D? Chess King?” (via @JeffHouck)
Mike, be honest about why you gave Antonia Morimoto: you’re trying to shaft her. You thought Bernstein would be easy. Just admit it.
10:23: What would your last meal be? I think mine would be my Zia Liliana’s lasagna.
10:25: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, we could never be friends, because you obviously suck.
10:28: Colicchio looks strangely smiley. I don’t trust it.
10:29: Antonia has some near-rancid fish. Between that and her crying talking-head, I worry. I worry a lot.
10:30: Richard Blais, Top Chef choker. He’s like the Dave Mustaine to Top Chef’s Metallica.
10:31: I can’t even try to keep track of the seventeen different things in Antonia’s bento box.
10:33: A mustard and Swanson Stock gravy, that is. Also, pea puree!
10:35: He put ras el hanout in the fucking STREUDEL. The man has no scruples. And I was about to give him props for making streudel dough with no recipe.
10:37: Richard is getting rave reviews. No so much? Antonia. Sigh.
10:38: JUDGES’ TABLE. Mike, your chicken would have been perfect, except for the juiciness. And the breading. Richard, your dish was spot on. Antonia, your dish was “interesting.”
10:39: Richard is through to the finale.
Antonia and Mike, time for the secret envelope Tweest. I mean, we’ve got 20 minutes left to kill here, right?
10:42: Commercials. Apparently, we’re going to be subjected to Andy Cohen during next week’s finale. Super!
10:43: Pointless interlude. What could be in the Tweest envelope? We’ll tell you…after more commercials.
10:45: More commercials. Fair Game: the best spy movie that no one ever saw.
10:46: THE TWEEST: You have 45 minutes to make one perfect bite.
So the point of the actual challenge was what, exactly?
10:48: Mike wants to be original, so he’s going for beef tenderloin and lobster tail, which is TOTALLY original. Personally, I would make lobster stuffed with tacos.
10:49: “What would an “aggressive” dish be? Would it be like a bear wrapped around a shark? ” (via @roadtohell)
10:50: Antoinia’s dish looks lovely. Mike’s got a lot going on. Neither one of them is one bite.
10:51: Mike is getting tepid reviews, probably because the editors are trying to fuck with me.
10:52: Colicchio looks upset with Wolfgang says he liked Antonia’s. Bias, much?
10:55: Still more commercials, which is the real point of the Tweest. If you don’t have an iPhone, you probably shouldn’t bother leaving the house.
10:57: Antonia, your dish was aggressive but good. Mike, your tartare was bland but your sauces were punchy.
ENOUGH WITH THE COUSINS.
10:58: Antonia, pack ’em up. GODDAMMIT.
Next Week: Create the restaurant of your dreams. Blais is nervous. I am too, about a Mike Isabella victory.
Thanks for spending this hour with me, everyone!