Last Week: The cheftestants made cookies for the Muppets, and were then sleep-deprived and locked in a Target, which could cause anyone to oversalt their soup. Angelo got the knife.
10:00: Dale is riding high after his double win last week, which makes him decidedly less angry. But since his nickname is Angry Dale, he better get his shit together.
10:02: Blais has notebooks filled with plans and details and drawings, because he is not at all some kind of serial killer/bomber.
Paula Deen’s hair is feathered like the wings of a majestic eagle who has been pinned to the earth by Aqua Net.
10:03: Paula Deen won an Emmy? Really?
QUICKFIRE: Deep fry some shit on up.
10:04: Dale: “Paula Deen is the opposite of my flavor spectrum.” Because her spectrum only goes from sour cream to mayonnaise.
10:05: Blais is deep-frying mayo that’s been hardened in liquid nitrogen. Which, on one hand: Oh, Blais. But on the other, we are talking about Paula Deen.
Of course, I’m not sold on the coffee-lime thing.
10:08: Did you know that Tiffany is from Beaumont, Texas? Because she is.
10:09: Culinary plagiarism! Mike and Blais, where has the love gone?
Mike: “If you’re gonna win, win. If you’re gonna lose, go in the fucking corner.” Wha?
10:12: Commercials. I have come to accept that my hair will never be as shiny as the hair product commercial ladies.
10:13: The bottom: Dale and Carla. That can’t feel good.
10:14: The top: Antonia, who loses out because she only plated one dish. And Richard and Mike the Thief.
Winner: Mike. SCANDAL!
10:15: John Besh!
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Cook gulf coast seafood for a charity fundraiser.
10:16: Sous chefs: the eliminated contestants.
10:17: Mike takes Tiffany, Richard takes my Fabio, Carla takes Tre, Tiffany CHOOSES Marcel, Antonia takes Spike and Dale takes Angelo.
Like a fool, I had assumed one would only be saddled with Marcel out of necessity, not choice.
10:19: Mike: “Gumbo, that traditionally has potatoes, right?” Sigh.
10:21: Marcel made a funny!
The Fabio-Blais romance is back full-force. Carla is wearing a macrame basket.
10:23: Notebook-gate: It’s the new pea puree.
“Jersey Mike is in desperate need of a punch in the anus. Just sayin’.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:25: Commercials. The Adjustment Bureau: do I want to see it or not? Discuss.
10:28: Dale is whining about the number of people in the kitchen. Didn’t this season start out, with like, 18 people?
Antonia, channelling Tom, is determined to honor the seafood.
10:30: The last-minute scurry seems worse than usual. Blais is causing a chemical spill in the corner. Dale is still whining.
10:31: One thing to be glad about: the general lack of Spike in the episode, despite his presence.
10:32: Jonathan Waxman!
10:34: Hey, there’s a fancy chef table off in the corner! Waxman, David Burke, Carmen Gonzalez. I want to hang out at that table.
10:36: Paula Deen makes quite a face when she tastes Carla’s collards. And not in a good way. Here’s hoping that someone messes up worse than she does. Like maybe Tiffany.
10:37: Or Dale.
10:38: Antonia’s dish looks outstanding. I would eat the hell out of that crab.
10:39: Brian: “I think John Besh has been practicing his non-regional diction, but sometimes he slips.” Holla, Anchorman.
10:42: Commercials. Brian: “My eye is twitching like crazy. I think it’s because of Marcel.”
10:43: Pointless interlude. Spike, shockingly, does not make a good spy.
10:47: JUDGES’ TABLE. The top: Antonia, Richard and Mike.
10:48: Watching Mike flirt with Paula Deen is not a pretty thing.
Winner: Blais! He gets a trip to Barbados and $5k.
10:49: The bottom: Carla, Tiffany and Dale.
10:51: Flavor warfare!
Carla has disrespected the fish.
10:53: Paula: “My mouth was wanting one thing, but it got another.” That’s what she said! Literally!
Everyone’s fucked up fairly badly. So, who goes?
10:55: Commercials. Red Lobster offends me.
10:56: Chefs, you all failed to honor the fish. Dale, you buried it. Tiffany, you killed it with honey. Carla, you went overboard with the mustard and hot sauce.
10:57: Dale, pack ‘em up.
10:58: Angry Dale is having a special moment.
Next Week: Padma comes to visit, family stops by, and we’re cooking on a ferry.