Tonight, on Top Chef: Fishing, which I’m sure won’t be tedious at all. What could be more scintillating than watching people wait around holding poles? And Marcel is a douche, but you knew that already.
Last Week: Mike won a car in the quickfire, hopefully activating the “Person Who Wins Car Does Not Win Overall” curse. Then the chefs pissed off half of Chinatown with a truly wretched attempt at dim sum. Jamie sucked, but Casey sucked worse.
9:58: I still say you could tell it was Casey from her freakish lipstick in the confessionals.
10:00: Jamie feels bad about Casey, but not enough to actually, you know, feel bad.
10:01: Marcel, please break into a freestyle rap. Please break into a freestyle rap.
Okay, he didn’t, but what all his posturing was nearly as amusing as if he had.
10:03: The chefs are roused at the ass crack of dawn for their Quickfire field trip to Montauk in their product-placed Toyotas. I bet there was a fight over who got to sit with Marcel.
10:05: No Quickfire! Instead, a mega-elimination: Fish for 5 hours, then feed hundreds of people on the beach. Work in teams.
10:07: Angelo knows a lot about sharks. Too much. Brian: “Is he insane? No, really.”
Commence fishing montage that will not be as interesting as Bravo wants it to be, unless there actually ARE sharks.
10:08: Okay, you have a fish. One fish. You have to serve hundreds of people so don’t throw a party just yet.
@JeffHouck: “I do hope they’re using Andy Cohen for bait.”
10:10: Boat oneupsmanship. Remember when I said “not as interesting as Bravo wants it to be”? Yeah.
10:13: Commercials. I feel foolish for not inbuing all my foods with Swanson broths and stocks, which apparently have magical qualities.
10:15: STILL ON THE BOATS. No amount of pulsating techno will help.
10:16: Whoa, ass crack. Haul those things up!
10:17: I’m not touching Marcel and his rod, and hopefully no one else is, either.
10:19: I got momentarily distracted by a sign for pie. Pie!
Antonia: “Fabio and Blais are like the odd couple: the professor and the strange Italian immigrant.”
10:20: Jamie just said something about how she likes to cook.
Wait, Jamie cooks?
Tre just called his wife his “sous chef in life,” which on one hand, cute, and on the other, GAG.
10:22: Fish hackery.
10:24: Blais is realizing, too late, that he perhaps should not have listen to Marcel. I think that’s a valuable life lesson: When in doubt, don’t listen to Marcel.
10:26: Commercials. Brian, reading along: “Hey, you noticed the sign for pie too?” Love him.
10:27: Since this is a seafood challenge, does that mean we’ll get some Ripert in the judgery? Fingers crossed!
Team Blais/Fabio/Marcel is putting all their eggs in one basket; Tom is doubtful.
10:29: I understand the need to push, but Jesus, Blais, get off my man’s ass.
Did Fabio just threaten a “nut attack”? Sometimes his pidgin English is beyond me.
10:30: The crowds are here, Fabio; it’s your time to shine.
10:31: Kerry Heffernan is NOT Eric Ripert, and I don’t care how much he knows about fish.
10:33: Guest judge Kerry tries a bon mot, but he’s not Anthony Bourdain, either.
There is general love for Carla’s lettuce wrap. Hootie Hoo!
10:35: Ooh, I hope Antonia’s po’ boy is good, because I would eat the hell out of it.
There is little love for Jamie’s dish, as per usual.
10:37: The chefs respected the fish. If we were playing a drinking game, we would have to chug our drinks at that.
10:39: Commercials. I admit to watching “The Worst Cooks in America,” and I admit that it give me greater respect for the Top Cheftestants. Well, most of them.
Dr. Oz: “I think we’ve all got it!” Brian: “I hope it’s not gonnorhea!”
10:41: Pointless interlude. Sometimes you don’t notice Tre until he’s laughing, and then you realize he’s there because your ears are bleeding.
Dale: “Angelo would be a mermaid.” Heh.
10:44: More commercials. Black Swan: I can’t decide. To see or not to see?
10:45: Judges’ Table: Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Mike and Angelo come out on top.
10:46: Winner: Carla! Hootie fucking hoo!
10:47: And now she feels bad, because of Marcel. Thanks, Marcel. You’re a real winner this episode.
10:49: The criticism comes fast and hard for team Blais.
10:50: Gail, on Jamie “There was no…flavor.” Send this woman home, already.
THERE’S NO CRYING IN TOP CHEF. KEEP IT TOGETHER.
10:52: Jamie got “stuck in her head.” I think she got stuck in her lack of culinary ability.
Hey, someone has to do the chopping and prep.
10:54: Commercials. Thank you for yelling at me about Italian cuisine, Bravo. You can dial it down and I’ll still listen, you know.
Johnny Depp as “Rango” is sure to be a hit!
10:56: Antonia, your teammates let you down and you didn’t help them. Jamie, you were bland. Team Blais, too complex. Fabio, this isn’t Top Sous Chef.
10:57: Tiffani and Jamie, pack ‘em up.
10:58: Tiffani has really become quite likable since her season. Jamie wouldn’t change anything she’s done, like the sucking and the failing to produce food most of the time.
Next Week: Restaurant wars…and Ludo!