I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Mercy


This new ice cream maker is a dangerous double-edged blade upon which I tread.

(I cut myself a lot.)


On one hand: HOMEMADE ICE CREAM. Whenever I want it, no waiting, no fuss.

On the other hand: I AM A FAT-ASS.

You know what will do a good job of stymieing a weight-loss, good-health effort? Homemade ice cream on demand. It’s a terrible first-world conundrum. And to all those people who have asked me “Can’t you make a low-sugar ice cream?” I say, “Not if you want it to taste good.”


Thus, I have become that neighborhood favorite, the Ice Cream Fairy; making ice cream to give away to friends. In recent days, I’ve given away eggnog ice cream, milk chocolate-stout ice cream, hazelnut ice cream and bourbon-pecan ice cream. I mean, sure, I TASTED them before I gave them away – one has to make sure one is handing out a quality product – but happily, the bulk of that ice cream was consumed by others.

Perhaps it’s really just part of a nefarious plan: I won’t LOSE weight, I’ll just make others around me FATTER, and will look more normal relative to them. It can’t fail!

nuts 4 nuts

Except it can TOTALLY FAIL, because: ginger-lemongrass ice cream with macadamia nuts. A frozen concoction of fats with little crunchy fat balls, is what it is. And I cannot keep it in the house, because it is just that dangerous.

Case in point, I made a batch of it, promising to eat a spoonful or two a night, and fully intending to have enough left over the weekend to take a twee photo of a dainty little scoop topped with a snowfall of minced macadamias and candied ginger in natural light.

Do you see such a photo? You do not, because there was an epic willpower FAIL as, over the span of three days post-churn, the quart of ice cream quickly dwindled, dwindled, dwindled.

ma bebe

There it is; object of my desire, object of my downfall. It’s even called “Gelato.” It might as well be called “Don’t Give Those Fat Pants to Goodwill Just Yet.”

So, note to self, ginger-lemongrass ice cream with macadamia nuts is a wonderful thing, so wonderful that it must be bestowed upon a friend or neighbor, preferably a friend from whom one wants a favor. Luckily, the only thing I like more than eating is feeding others, so it tempers the hardship of voluntarily parting myself from fresh ice cream.

You’re welcome, friends and neighbors. Also: I take requests.

oh la la

Ginger-Lemongrass Ice Cream with Macadamias
makes about 1 quart
2 c. heavy cream
1 c. whole milk
2/3 c. sugar
pinch of salt
2 tbsp. dried lemongrass
3-inch long piece of fresh ginger, sliced
6 egg yolks
1 c. macadamia nuts, roughly chopped

Heat one cup of the cream, the milk, the sugar and salt in a medium saucepan. When the mixture is hot but not boiling, take it off the heat, add the lemongrass and ginger and let steep, covered, for one hour.

Pour the remaining heavy cream into a large bowl.

Re-heat the flavored milk and cream. When it comes to a simmer, whisk half the mixture into the egg yolks to temper them, then whisk the egg/milk/cream into the rest of the milk in the saucepan. Cook over medium-low heat until it coats the back of a spoon.

Strain the egg/milk/cream mixture into the bowl containing the heavy cream and combine.

Chill over an ice bath and then in the fridge until good and cold, then churn and freeze in your ice cream machine according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Add the chopped nuts during the last minutes of churning.

Transfer to some tupperware and freeze for at least 2-3 hours before consuming.

11 thoughts on “I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Mercy

  1. Look at it this way. Brian got you the ice cream maker. Brian, being of average or above intelligence, knows ice cream is not conducive to weight loss. Therefore Brian is perfectly happy and does not care if you lose weight or not. You are happy because you are enjoying ice cream. If you’re both happy….well, screw the rest of the world.

    Also, I’ve got to try that ginger-lemongrass ice cream. The one metioned above with stout sounds pretty amazing, too.

  2. Could you switch out some of the heavy cream or milk for coconut milk? This ice cream reminds me of my new shower gel, thai coconut lemongrass, which every time I shower with I think how awesome it would be as ice cream or sticky rice or to live on a beach in Thailand. Basically this ice cream looks as good as that stuff smells and it smells GOOD!

  3. Yes, it is dangerous owning an ice cream maker. I have one saving grace about mine. It’s the kind where you have to chill the freezing chamber in the freezer for several hours before you start churning. This has prevented a few spur-of-the-moment ice cream episodes. I don’t give away my ice cream often enough. I think my husband would divorce me if I became the Ice Cream Fairy (and he’s lactose intolerant!). I have to love how when I make ice cream for a family dinner at Mom’s, toting over a tub of it, she somehow manages to make sure that leftovers don’t go home with me.

    I have considered storing the chamber in my freezer permanently so that I can always make ice cream on demand, but so far I waffle on the issue. On one hand, Yay ice cream. On the other hand, my doctor has even told me I’m too fat. I can’t be eating homemade ice cream every day.

  4. snappyname, don’t be silly, twitter never wants you to put on pants.

    cynic, who shot who in the what, now? you don’t like ice cream? cynic, i hardly know ye.

    stephanie, look out!

    kay, sadly, the equation doesn’t quite work out, because *i* am not happy with my current size. so alas, the ice cream must go.

    sara, i’d think you could switch out the milk, but don’t quote me on that. you might want to try and contact the grand master and get his opinion.

    rachel, yeah, i always stored the bowl of my old ice cream maker in the freezer – also dangerous. but now, i can make back-to-back batches, which i couldn’t do before.

  5. Do you deliver to Australia (hell, come and visit!)? I got mighty hot and sweaty yesterday watching the river through my town work itself up to a major flood that I could have done with a refreshing icecream after that. I had to settle for beer instead, sitting on the balcony of the pub looking out over the water – but your icecream sounds better.

  6. I have 2 ice cream makers, both being of the freezing canister variety. Lucky for me, I have ample freezer space and keep them both frozen and at the ready all the time. So when one kid wants dark chocolate ginger and the other wants balsamic strawberry, we don’t have any fighting. Maybe I should get the self-contained freezing compressor model so I can make my own batch, too.

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