Tonight: Dessert Wars! And hopefully, the slow, delicious, implosion of Team GoDiva.
Last Week: Elbows akimbo. Black and white desserts. Soapy ice cream. One of the few remaining tolerable chefs packed her tools and went.
10:01: Yigit thinks he has a target on his back. He does, it’s a big dot that says INSUFFERABLE.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Mis en place relay race! Always fun.
Johnny Bravo is wearing a magic eye shirt.
10:03: A random cookie draw puts Team GoDiva together. Oh, yay.
The mis en place: somehow, piping buttercream roses doesn’t seem like it will be as exciting as frenzied oyster shucking.
10:05: I was right.
10:07: Morganza has muscles, and Zac has, what? Tyrannosaurus Rex arms? You’re gay, not consumptive. Whisk the damn egg whites.
10:08: Pulling down the strudel: Quick, make up what it’s a euphemism for.
10:10: Team Diva takes it.
ELIMINATION: Dessert Wars. Create the ultimate dessert shop experience. Three items each. There must be a bread. Two items a la minute. Winners get $30K.
10:11: Coming up: LemonGate!
10:13: Commercials. If you’re not on Match.com, you’re going to die alone.
10:16: Team GoDiva is creating an “adult candy shop.” Did they really think through what that means?
HINT: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE PLATES.
10:17: Albertson’s: The crappy franchise’s Whole Foods.
10:19: We’re almost a third of the way in, and Team GoDiva remains distressingly intact. And exponentially as irritating.
Morganza is kneading the dough like a MANLY MAN.
10:21: Either Danielle’s face is made of putty, or she has the use of facial muscles that most of us don’t. Also: Danielle calling Moganza nuts: pot, meet kettle.
10:22: Coming up: ShutUpGate!
10:24: Commercials. Morning Glory definitely looks like Oscar material.
10:26: Morganza is whipping cream like a MANLY MAN with his MANLY MAN face.
10:27: Yigit and Zac are both in the front of the house, because they are both shiny, glittering stars. Team NotDiva has wisely relegated Morganza to the kitchen, putting non-insane Eric in front.
10:28: Nancy Silverton: The Betsy Johnson of pastry.
HUBERT!
10:29: Team GoDiva’s display case looks empty and sad, like their souls.
10:31: Intact Head Heather seems to be struggling, perhaps because the Sparklecorns left her in the kitchen all alone.
ShutUpGate was anticlimatic.
“Watching Heather and Zack arguing is like watching a pillow fight between two marshmallow men.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:33: Nancy finds the key lime timid. She would.
10:34: The skinny hipster is allergic to processed sugar. Maybe he shouldn’t have volunteered for this job.
10:37: It’s time to retire the word “unctuous.”
10:38: Morganza made a pretzel penis. An overly browned pretzel penis. Dour Danielle is really selling it.
10:39: Gail: “I would not complain about Morgan’s pretzel.” She wouldn’t, would she.
10:41: Commercials. The Samsumg commercials with the woman rapturously watching her washing machine is a barely veiled 1954.
10:42: Unstoppable really looks like Oscar material.
10:44: Pointless interlude. Morganza and Danielle have a love hate relationship, kind of like my relationship with this show.
10:47: More commercials. Everyone knows leprechauns are real, Dr. Pepper people. C’mon.
Danielle was “lackadaisical” in the front of the house. That’s just her trying to tame the crazy, I think. Seriously, look at the woman’s facial expressions and try not to cringe.
10:49: Zac, on their pastry shop: “Blah, blah, blah.” Yigit found the experience “psychologically difficult.” Huh.
10:51: Winning team: NOT GODIVA.
Danielle, winning is no reason to pull a Seth.
10:52: I predict the demise of Intact Head Heather.
10:54: There’s nothing that sticks in my craw more than an underwhelming frasier.
10:56: Commercials. Apparently, as a Top Chef view, I should really want to see Morning Glory. I resent that.
10:57: Zac, I’m going to voice my complains about you in a robotic overdub. Heather, you left fingerprints. Yigit, we’ve already been over your frasier.
10:58: Pack ’em up, Intact Head Heather.
Yigit has a breakdown that I don’t care about, but it wouldn’t be an ep of Just Desserts without crying.
10:59: Heather: “I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world.” Brian: “Really? You wouldn’t have rolled that dough a little thinner?”
Next Week: Cruise ship petit fours, oh no!
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Who’s the guest judge for Dessert Wars?
I didn’t miss these people this past week. Did you?
SHARRUP, TEAM DOOFUS.
Zac’s not doing any classic figure eights in this ice skating competition…oh wait, no?
sara, i can’t say that i did.
Wait, is this show sponsored by Dawn Hand Renewal? I HAD NO IDEA.
Ruh-roh. Lemon! Someone call U2!
Who does all the dishes? Serious question.
Big deal, Zac. I told you to shut up weeks ago.
Anyone else see the poor man’s (lady’s?) Tina Fey?
Nancy Silverton or Sideshow Bob?
I heart Hubert.
There’s the shut up! Ooh, she did it again. And again! Deal with it!
Wow, props to Morganza!
What happened to Eric?
Burned pretzel stick. Yikes.
This Blanche Devereaux commercial is almost as annoying as hearing that frikkin’ “Hey, Soul Sister” song again.
Morganza had to put the burnt pretzel out there. He doesn’t work at The No Factory, you know.
Michelle: Seriously. Danielle is either crazy or sedated.
Oh good. And there’s the crazy.
I keep waiting for Iman to say “Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fashion.”
“An underwhelming frasier”? Like finding out that Kelsey Grammer is a republican?
No surprise that it’s Heather. And the diva boys pretend to be upset.
She can leave with her head held high…and intact!
I’m waiting for the euphemisms on “Pulling down the Strudel”.
Missed the show last night, enjoyed reading the blog, thanks for keeping me up to speed.