This week, Intact Head Heather gets an off-sides yet somewhat deserved elbow to the face, and Zac is stymied by a lack of black glitter.
Last Week: Nobody thought Team GoDiva was cute. Morgan was a little too into women’s shoes. Head Wound Heather got booted for the second time.
10:02: Intact Head Heather is still shit talking her Wounded Head colleague AFTER she got the boot. GET OVER YOURSELF.
10:03: Chef Michael Laskonis looks like a zombie. Does Eric Ripert only hire other brain-eaters?
QUICKFIRE: A savory dessert, using only one pot.
10:04: Zac: “I don’t cook real food…I don’t even eat real food.” That’s right, he subsists on fresh air and luster dust.
10:05: ELBOWED! I can’t lie: it was a little satisfying.
10:06: Who steals bacon? Seriously. Erica: “Team GoDiva is getting on my nerves.” You and me both.
This episode is only six minutes old, but it’s setting some kinda record for product placement.
10:08: Morgan, I don’t think “It has a lot of beet flavor” is a compliment. At least, it wouldn’t be coming from me.
Intact Head is looking for some sympathy as she holds the icepack of pity to her wounded jaw.
10:09: The bottom: Danielle. Eric; TOO undesserty. Intact Head undercooked the beets.
The top: Morgan, Zac and Yigit. Apparently tasting like beets IS a good thing, when they’re cooked properly.
10:11: Zac can trade his immunity for cash. Which he SHOULD NOT DO. But he ends up selling himself for five grand. Pastry whore. I don’t sell myself for less than $15K
10:13: Commercials. SATC2 is out on DVD! It makes a great coaster.
10:15: ELIMINATION: Cater the LA Times’ black and white party with foods that are only black and white.
Danielle: NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO USE MAYONNAISE.
10:16: Why is this so upsetting? Does no one on this show understand the simple majesty of the black and white cookie?
10:17: Zac = regretful. I tried to tell you, Sweetie.
10:18: Yigit is “staying true to the color palette.” Isn’t that the point?
10:19: Danielle is in rare form tonight. Either she’s relaxing and her personality is coming out, or she’s teetering on the verge of a Seth.
10:21: Eric gets the doh-de-doh music of the lowly baker.
There’s a lot of dark COLOR masquerading as black (or, in the case of Intact Head, bright color). Ditto chocolate, which no one seems to care is not actually black. I call shenanigans.
10:23: Breyer’s Ice Cream: The official ice cream of latent homophobia!
10:25: Commercials. The Millionaire Matchmaker is still on TV. Huh.
10:28: Intact Head thinks Morganza is trying to sabotage her. Why, because he beat you once upon a time? And elbowed you in the head? He seems like he’d be more in you face than playing hide-the-rice-krispie.
10:30: It takes an awfully long time for Yigit to describe one very small dessert.
Erica, you’re one of the people I still like on this show, but that? Is lavender.
10:31: I feel compelled to say it every time: That Daily Candy lady is useless. The people demand more Hubert!
Zac has invented a detailed backstory for this whoopie pies, which also requires that his voice go up several octaves.
10:33: “It’s a lot of heavy and sticky.” That’s what she said!
10:35: Eric’s plating is coming along! He aptly gets the redemptive chords of triumph.
10:36: Danielle is LITERALLY celebrating the LA Times’ 128’s anniversary with a truffle that looks like something that came out of the wrong end of my dog this morning.
10:38: Intact Head doesn’t want to be in the bottom three for brazenly flouting the rules after she was warned, so once again our desires are diametrically opposed.
10:41: Commercials. Daily Candy lady has “ideas”? I don’t believe it.
“In keeping with the newspaper theme, they should have thrown Danielle’s literal desert on someone’s front lawn.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:43: Pointless interlude. Zac is gay. Team GoDiva is shrill and irritating. Once again we’ve learned nothing.
10:44: Wait, Dawn Hand Renewal is a sponsor? You don’t say. Tell me more, in a heavy Southern accent!
10:46: Rice Krispie treats are the new pea puree.
The bottom: Intact Head, Erica and Danielle.
10:47: Brian: “But her dessert was black and white and red all over. It was meta.”
Erica, you failed to exploit the blackberry. Next time, traffic your blackberries across an international border and take their passports.
10:48: Down, Iuzzini, down! We get it, you didn’t like the 1-2-8. Wipe the froth off your lips.
10:49: The top: Eric, Zac, Yigit and Morganza.
10:51: Even when Daily Candy lady is saying something substantive, I feel like I’m listening to a four-year-old.
10:53: Danielle is turning into an actual cartoon character before our eyes. Let’s cover up our insecurities with WILD GESTICULATIONS.
10:55: Commercials. FABIO!!
10:57: Danielle, you’ve always kinda sucked. Heather, you ignored the rules for no good reason. Erica, it tasted like soap.
10:58: Erica, pack ‘em up.
Whoa! So Danielle lives to gesticulate another day, and the show loses one of its more sane cast members.
Next Week: The beginning of the end of Tean GoDiva.