Now, we can add “shoe fetishist” to the list of irritating qualities these contestants possess.
Last Week: Seth tizzied himself right off the show. Head Wound Heather came back, seemingly against her will. Malika threw herself under the bus. All in all, a clusterfuck.
10:02: Guest judge: Sherry Yard! Her recipe for sticky toffee pudding is TO DIE FOR. Seriously.
QUICKFIRE: Make a souffle.
10:03: Souffles are all about the egg whites. No, they’re all about timing. Personally, I think they’re about black magic, and I say that having made souffles in the past.
10:05: We’re five minutes in, and I’ve already heard “GO DIVA!” two times too many.
Intact Head Heather, chocolate and raspberry and Grand Marnier? Really? Inventive!
10:06: Obligatory hair toss at Morgan. Transparency does not become you, Gail.
10:07: The top: Morgan, Yigit and Danielle. Winner: Yigit! Sadly, the other members of Team Diva find themselves in the bottom. Apparently it’s risky, being on Team Diva.
10:09: Commercials. Be-pearled housewife, when the sponge starts talking to you that’s one too many martinis and hits of valium.
10:12: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Create edible fashion. Not underwear, I assume/hope. There are high heels, and Team Diva cannot keep their shit together.
10:13: Also a fan of the shoes? Morgan. Although he’s less shrill about it, and more creepy heavy-breather.
10:14: Challenge: create a garment that compliments the shoes, along with two “couture” petit fours. Does that mean the petit fours should be outlandish and impractical to eat?
10:16: Zac, a hint: when breasts are shaped like plungers? They’re not real. Not that that matters to you, I suppose.
Head Wound Heather has radishes, lettuce, pinto beans and gum. Can’t wait! Maybe she’ll craft a serving platting out of popsicle sticks.
10:19: Danielle is making Chiquita banana lady couture.
10:21: Zac is making a dress for a “burlesque showgirl warrior,” and there’s nothing I can add to that.
A TWEEST! Challenge winner gets $20K. It’s so exciting that Yigit has a sexual moment, a moment that I didn’t need to know about.
10:22: Morgan: Getting grosser by the moment. Also? He wants you to know he is a heterosexual, despite admitting on national television that he wants to wear the little black dress he created.
10:25: Commercials. We’re coming closer and closer to that Willy Wonka gum that takes you through an entire meal.
10:28: Head Wound’s turnips have dried up. If only anyone could have seen that one coming.
Eric’s dress looks like Project Runway’s worst nightmare. Head Wound’s is like Hidden Valley Ranch couture.
10:29: Morgan is done ahead of schedule and is accessorizing his dress with a clutch because he is so very, very straight.
10:30: Zac: “There are real fashion reporters here, not just ‘bloggers.’” Mm-hmm.
10:32: “”These are fashion writers, not just… bloggers.” Oh, Gold Dust Munchkin, we are going to tar and feather your whispy ass.” (@JeffHouck)
10:34: You know how sometimes you have to change the channel, because you’re so embarrassed for the person on TV? Yeah, that’s Eric.
10:35: Yigit made a dress for an ice warrior princess who likes to flash the paparazzi her goods. Classy.
He also made a red hot macaron. Wait, I thought those were for Seth’s mommy!
10:38: Okay, I don’t like Intact Head Heather so much but the draping on her chocolate dress? Impressive.
10:40: Eric is feeling like an insecure baker. Kind of like I’m now feeling insecure because I’m but a lowly blogger.
Oh wait, no I’m not.
10:43: Pointless interlude. Morgan’s nickname is ‘Morganza,’ but is you call him that, he will kick your teeth in. Because he is straight, very straight.
10:45: Commercials. Matt Damon sees dead people. Isn’t that what that movie is about?
10:47: The top three: Yigit, Zac and Morganza.
Yigit, your dress was exciting and chic and hella short. Morganza, yours was sexy and looked kind of like a sports car. Zac, stop shaking your goods at us.
10:48: Winner: Morganza.
10:49: The losers: Head Wound, Eric and Danielle. Predictable.
10:51: This is Top Chef, not Top Garde Manger, Head Wound.
You all sucked and you kinda know it, so let’s not belabor this. Well, except for Danielle, who is now mumbling to herself. Is this the beginning of the next breakdown?
10:53: Daily Candy lady: so beyond useless.
10:55: Commercials. Your elbows look like elephant skin. You should moisturize.
10:57: Eric, you were a hot tranny mess. Head Wound, what we have here is a failure to accessorize. Danielle, you were delusionally bad.
10:58: Head Wound, pack your tools…again.
Next Week: More produce. Everyone hates Morgan.