LAST WEEK: I missed it, but apparently there was crying.
10:02: Sylvia! And her glasses! She’s but three apples high! Note: She is NOT the Old Navy lady.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Make a damn wedding cake. In 90 minutes.
10:04: Shut up, Zac.
10:06: I find that liveblogging in a foreign environment (the cable box still hasn’t come) is unnerving.
Erika, you had me at gianduja mousse. Don’t fuck it up.
10:08: What the hell was that? The imaginary bride, she is crying. These cakes are made of sad.
Coming up: the first tears of the episode!
10:10: Commercials. Olay renewal cleans your dishes, moisturizes your hands, polishes your silver, dusts the credenza AND cures cancer.
10:13: Oh, Malika. You should really go, and I say that knowing that Ugly Marky is still here.
10:14: THERE’S NO CRYING IN PASTRY. I’m going to need to create a macro for that, too.
Okay, I know they only had 90 minutes. I know they only had 90 minutes. But MY GOD, the horror.
10:16: Brian, on Zac’s cake: “That’s the cake you see when you’re on your way to Mordor.”
“I made it green because that’s my favorite color, and because I’m six years old.”
10:17: Sylvia is most displeased, Seth. She would peer over her glasses at you if they weren’t the size of dinner plates. Way to try.
10:19: The bottom: Seth, Malika and and Eric. Who is a baker. This is the “most embarrassing moment of his life.” Really? Lucky bastard. The top: Erika, Morgan and Heather H., who is starting to let her inner bitch out. Is “homey” really the worst thing you can say about a wedding cake? Did you SEE Zac’s?
10:21: Winner: Erika. Gianduja mousse for the win!
ELIMINATION: Team challenge.
Coming up: Peanut butter sabotage!
10:24: Commercials. If you don’t feed your children Gerber, the resulting health problems will haunt them for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.
10:25: “I’m increasingly convinced that #TopChef Just Deserts exists only to make “Millionaire Matchmaker” seem more palatable and less abrasive.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:26: The glee club went on for far too long, but WHOA what’s with the bobblehead? Unnecessary.
My god, they’re called the “Rainbow Riders.” If I were drinking something, I’d do a spit take. It’s perfect and terrible.
CHALLENGE: Throw a bake sale, either for the Glee Club or the Pep Squad.
10:28: Shut up, Zac.
10:30: Seth can only make financiers, apparently, which is definitely something I think of when I think of school bake sales. Zac wants to make peanut butter cookies to weed out the nut allergies by killing half the elementary school.
10:32: Peanut butter: it’s the new pea puree.
10:34: Seth, talking to yourself is not the way to make yourself look more normal.
Zac is surprised that Johnny Bravo is unsure about his strawberry shortcake. Aren’t we all? He says nothing else of substance during his entire visit.
10:35: How much do you charge for a cookie that small, a farthing?
10:37: Seth: he can INVENT new flavors in his MIND. He’s magic! And insane! Also adept at inventing new flavors: the New Jersey Turnpike.
10:40: Commercials. I see on Twitter that Alberto Contador was found to have tested positive for clenbuterol at the Tour de France. SUCK IT, CONTADOR.
George Duran, you used to amuse me. Now, not so much.
10:43: Malika has gotten over herself…for now. Now, let’s hop some kids up on sugar!
Oh god, they’re singing again.
10:45: Seth: refused to make a wedding cake, refused to make anything other than a financier, refused to interact with children. If has makes it past the halfway mark, I will be more disappointed that Sylvia Weinstock.
The children are literally coated in sugar. Awesome.
10:47: Was the bobble head just pointing to his dick? He totally did. I know what I saw.
Zac’s shortcake looks like unicorns vomited on it.
10:48: What child says no to chocolate pudding? Bravo found the only one.
10:50: Winners: Team Pep Squad, also known as Not Team Seth. Fingers crossed!
10:52: The kids get to go to cheer camp! The school gets money (only $5k though, which seems paltry)! Then everyone falls into a diabetic coma.
I like the juxtaposition with regular Top Chef, where they had to make school lunches healthier and someone got excoriated for using two pounds of sugar. Go go mixed messages!
10:55: Pointless interlude: Morgan is flirting with the cheerleaders, and that’s not icky at all. For this I have to watch an extra 15 minutes?
10:58: Commercials. The only thing scarier than regular Jackie Warner is Jackie Warner in shiny, shiny shorts.
11:00: Winner: Eric. Because rice krispie treat = bake sale, and he knew it. Well played.
I’d like Sylvia Weinstock to be my grandma.
11:01: Brian: “Quick, everyone throw Seth under the bus!”
And his wish is immediately granted.
11:04: SETH IS INSANE. That whole thing was just…wha?
A housewife could make that cookie. Damn housewives. Apparently, the cookie needed a fourth dimension. Also, Sylvia, I no longer want you to be my grandma.
11:06: “I needed a knife to cut through your biscuit” should be a euphemism for something.
11:07: Also: “That biscuit wasn’t where he wanted it to be.”
That wasn’t resentment, it was all-natural peanut butter. The graininess can confuse people, I know.
11:09: Also: “Good for you and your creamsicle.” I’m totally going to start saying that.
11:11: Commercials. And I’m spent.
11:13: Yigit, you assaulted the children with ginger. Zac, we’ve already spoken about the biscuit. Danielle, cupcake fail. Heather, you’re a boring housewife. Seth, you ignore everything we say.
Heather, pack ’em up. Go home and put some neosporin on that head wound.
NEXT WEEK: Seth continues to be a loon.