Tonight: Wylie Dufresne’s greasy locks grace the kitchen, and LeahRedux thinks something is difficult. Shocker!
Last Week: Restaurant Wars. CMF was the worst choice for front of the house ever. Shaft was sent back to the beastiary.
10:02: I’ve already forgotten most of the people who were on at the beginning of the season. Oh, N-Rod, how we haven’t missed you.
10:03: QUICKFIRE. There’s a mystery box, and Wylie Dufresne, about whom my feelings are already known. The challenge: cook from a successive parade of mystery boxes, incorporating all the ingredients into the dish.
Hey, Padma’s stylist is sober this week!
10:05: There’s a fish, fava beans and a can with no label. Apparently, the Top Chef kitchen is rather short on can openers.
10:06: Ed accurately pinpoints what it is about this challenge that makes it challenging. He’s as sharp as his personality is bubbling.
Next mystery box: squid and black garlic.
10:07: I heard someone say, “I don’t know anything about black garlic” and immediately assumed it was LeahRedux. You know, because she never knows anything.
Next box: ramps and passion fruit.
10:08: Angelo seems not to realize he’s having that conversation with himself out loud.
Next box: jicama.
10:10: Everyone looks like they just ran a marathon.
The Dropper’s nerves come out around Wylie Dufresne, as I’m sure is true for all of us. Because we’re worried that his hair could ignite around all the range burners.
“Ed looked awfully pleased with himself – lips all pink and pursed. Like a cat’s ass.” (@lillyj)
10:12: Winner: Tiffany!
10:14: Commercials. Jackie Warner’s hair is feathered like the wings of a majestic eagle.
Hey, MY phone doesn’t have a kickstand. What a piece of shit.
10:16: ELIMINATION: Take over a classic dish and give it a “disguise.” Dishes are assigned via knife draw. Diners: CIA officers and Leon Panetta. Winner gets a trip to Paris, which Ed wants to win so his girlfriend won’t dump him for his imaginary affair with Tiffany.
LeahRedux: “I could seduce some secrets out of the KGB.” That sentence is all kinda of wrong.
10:19: Conceptualizing your dish off a bottle of Kung Pao sauce at Whole Foods seems like a surefire way to win!
10:21: Taking advice from CMF also seems like a surefire win, but Kelly has the sense to ignore him.
He’s making veal parm stuffed inside tortellini. Like lobsters stuffed with tacos! Except probably not as good.
10:23: Ed is disguising his chicken cordon bleu by wrapping the ham around the outside. Groundbreaking! His creativity is almost as boundless as his bubbling personality.
I can’t bring myself to get all worked up about store-bought puff pastry, I just can’t.
10:25: Commercials. Lean Cuisine and Red Lobster back to back. What are they saying about Top Chef viewers?
10:28: Is it just me, or is everyone a little overawed at being in the CIA? I mean, I get that you can’t just walk in off the street, but still. They let you schmoes in, and with rolls of knives.
“An hour and a half is plenty of time,” says Kelly as she pours rice into the rice cooker. Smells like forboding.
Leon Panetta is bulbous. That’s all I have to say about that.
10:33: Panetta gets The Dropper’s Beef Wellington immediately. I have no love lost for him (The Dropper, not Leon Panetta), but even I feel kinda bad.
Tim the Congressional Aide, welcome to your 4 seconds of fame!
10:35: Cindy the Director of HR, you get 2 seconds!
Leon gets called out of dinner. Cindy the Director of HR looks displeased, like he forgot her birthday. So make that 3 seconds for her.
10:37: LeahRedux disguised French onion soup by making soup. Stellar!
CMF seems to have fucked his dish up big time, so this is me officially getting my hopes up.
10:41: Commercials. Is the premiere of Top Chef Desserts going to piggyback on the finale of Top Chef? Because that is going to be one long night.
Eli knows all about that fancy fridge, cuz his mom has one.
10:43: Pointless interlude. Leon Panetta is the repository of all knowledge, including “where the aliens live.” I’m assuming this was post-wine binge.
10:45: More commercials. I demand that all my shoes multi-task. Shoes have historically been lazy sons of bitches.
10:47: Top Three: Kelly, Tiffany and Ed. But, like the Highlander, there can be only on winner of the trip to Paris. Thanks, Padma.
10:48: Ed explains his “inside out” concept, as though anyone needed an explanation. Dufresne: “You really know how to cook a chicken.” Which I think is higher praise than it sounds.
Winner: Tiffany! She is ruling the school these days.
10:49: Bottom Three: The Dropper, CMF and LeahRedux. Apparently, I only give nicknames to people I don’t like.
10:51: Yes, it was frozen puff pastry. Let’s not harp on it. Thank you.
10:52: Colicchio insults CMF by way of revealing that he has, in fact, eaten frozen tortellini.
10:54: Ripert: Angelo would “make Julia Child sad.” Ouch.
10:56: Commercials. State Farm is there. They know when you are sleeping, they known when you’re awake.
10:58: Dufresne makes the stink-eye. Who will be 7th best?
Alex, pack ’em up!
Yay! I’ll take another week of LeahRedux to get rid of CMF.
Next Week: Baseball concessions. Rick Moonen!