Liveblogging Top Chef DC: Episode 5

Tonight: yet another team challenge. Lots of opportunities for heavy-handed jokes about having crabs. And an opportunity for Shaft to declare himself the Alpha Male, thus instantly causing him to be dead to me.

Last Week: There was an overly convoluted team challenge, featuring the hated Dickweed as a guest judge, resulting in the double elimination of Arnold and WoCA.

9:02: Angelo wants to both mentor and sex up Tamesha. It’s not creepy at all, by which I mean it’s very, very creepy.

Ed talks awkwardly to Tiffany. But then, Ed Talks awkwardly to everyone.

9:04: QUICKFIRE: Crabs. Cue endless succession of jokes about having crabs, none of which will actually be “jokes” because jokes are, by definition, funny.

9:05: This famous guest judge, whose name I’ve just forgotten – Patrick McSomething? – looks like the Black Hole Sun video version of Dick Van Dyke.

Not a fan of the hacking up of the still-wriggling crabs, which seems to be happening with a little more vigor than is strictly necessary.

9:07: Kevin has no plans to be on the bottom and talks about missing his family, which means he’ll probably be on the bottom¬†at some point again.

Amanda is making a gelee with Sauternes because, you know, she can’t not.

9:10: Commercials. The relentless cheeriness of the Kashi commercial people makes me want to kick them in the shins.

While we wait: we need a good nickname for Kevin, assuming he doesn’t get the boot tonight so that we can instantly forget he ever existed. Anyone?

9:13: I can’t even look at the judge’s face.

Everything sounds kinda good, but I may be biased because I freaking love crab.

Shaft pulls the crab trio, because someone has to.

9:14: In the bottom: Andrea, Amanda and Kevin, whose dish “illustrated confusion.” Ouch.

In the top: Ed, Shaft and The Dropper. Winner: Ed! Who gets immunity for the elimination. Hey, Ed can do something! Who knew?

9:16: ELIMINATION: Cooking on an organic farm for 40 chefs and farmers, family style, and working as one mega-team. They find out what main ingredients they have tomorrow, though they will have a product-placed mobile pantry in a Toyota Siena.

The Toyota Siena: the official car of outdated spices and boxed chicken stock.

9:17: Obligatory fight over how to work as a team. The Dropper wants to be the leader, but Shaft insists upon being the Alpha Male presence. So he pees on The Dropper’s luggage.

9:21: Commercials. Zac Efron is the new RomCom nobody.

9:22: We return. They are still fighting. Maybe Shaft should alpha roll the more argumentative among them to get them all to fall in line.

9:24: Ed is bummed to get stuck with Alex of the serial killer glasses again. Hey, Ed can do things AND he has opinions! Way to show your spark, Ed!

Ed has all the chemistry and charisma of a drunk Larry King.

9:26: “And a hot plate!” (TM Simpsons)

9:27: Wait, Shaft’s company is seriously called “Passionate Culinary Enterprises”? Excuse me while I snort helplessly with laughter.

Hey everyone: Don’t forget to check out the comments. Them people’s funny!

9:29: Hopcraft doesn’t want to be a forgotten side dish, so he’s making a salad. ‘Nuff said.

Every time The Dropper talks, I feel a little more sticky.

Not in a good way.

9:31: Kevin is taking a risk with some broccoli, after he won’t use some cauliflower that fell on the ground like a wuss. Taking a risk + talking about family + kind of sucking = doom?

I mean, he’s a wuss, not the cauliflower. Cauliflower is a MAN’S vegetable.

9:34: Coming up: a madras jacket for fall? The horrors!

“The bescarved Eric Ripert looks like a French J. Peterman.” (via @JeffHouck)

9:37: Commercials. Vacation at Busch Gardens: It’s where people from Staten Island go! A ringing endorsement.

9:38: Pointless intermission. Shaft is manly. He has lots of nicknames with “Black” in them. He sincerely believes he can rock a bathrobe.

9:41: Shaft wants to win on behalf of neglected side dishes everywhere.

9:42: The “rusticity” of LeahRedux’s soup is shocking, but not as shocking as that plaid jacket.

Not paying attention to your lettuces is almost as bad as disrespecting the fish. I’m going to start using that as my new metaphor for sucking.

9:43: Okay, Ripert is a LITTLE cute when he makes the scrunched-up “don’t like it” face. A LITTLE.

“But we learned this stuffing technique from the French.” That’s what she said!

9:45: JUDGE’S TABLE: Shaft, Kelly, Andrea and Kevin, who are in the top.

9:47: Tom looks like he belongs in a big gay LL Bean catalog.

The winner: not that plaid jacket. Also Shaft and his eggplant.

Shaft: you don’t get to call YOURSELF the “Beast.” Shut your mouth.

9:49: The bottom: LeahRedux, Hopcraft and Smoove B.

9:51: Serving salad in a BOWL? FOR SHAME. Who does that? Hooligans.

Don’t cry, LeahRedux, we all have to go sometime. I hope. Also: no one who wears that jacket gets to insult my grandmother, who could cook Amanda under a table.

9:54: She disrespected the carrots.

9:56: Commercials. Ponzu: you can use it on anything. It will transform your life. It did my taxes in 2009. Buy it.

9:57: LeahRedux, you failed at a cooking basic. Hopcraft, you dared to serve salad in a bowl. Smoove B, you strayed the course.

Knifed: Smoove B! LeahRedux stays. Dammit.

9:59: Smoove B will live and cook another day, because Top Chef has not become Running Man. Yet.

Next Week: The chefs judge each other, so prepare for some unnecessary roughness.

Thanks to all who came to play in the comments!

57 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef DC: Episode 5

  1. why is he BAKING blue crabs instead of steaming them? Is baked crabs really a thing? I’ve lived in MD my whole life and I’ve only had them like that guy said-steamed with Old Bay in bushel baskets.

  2. Oh, Ed. I can put out a fresh fruit platter, so does that make me Top Chef? Also, what fresh fruit represents Ed? What’s a super boring fruit?

  3. I’d really like to see The Dropper and last season’s Dickweed locked overnight in a Toyota mobile pantry.

  4. Did Black Hole Sun DVD just suggest that grandmothers cook with axes? That would make it hard to cut evenly.

  5. Cable system just picked up Bravo. Watching TC for the first time. WHO is that embalmed guy in the scarf and plaid jacket? His mama dresses him funny…

  6. Can we please have a Tim Gunn crossover to regulate on that jacket. Someone clearly needs to “make it work.”

  7. Angelo is like the pretty chick who only hangs at bars with chunky plain Jane’s: He’s hoping he can keep 3 mediocre chefs in contention so that the judges will want to take him home at closing time. If you follow MY mixed metaphor.

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