thursday night smackdown

Eric Ripert is back tonight, which is good, but Spike is also back, which is double plus bad. Then there’s some kind of challenge involving baby food, and I can’t wait to see what these chefs think is appropriate for babies. And a double elimination, which’ll thin the herd nicely.

Last Week: Arnold mastered the grill despite its pore-clogging qualities. N-Rod sucked all kinds of suckage in both challenges and was mercifully knifed.

9:02: Smoove B says it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. That’s what she said.

9:03: Padma’s stylist should be taken behind the barn and shot.

QUICKFIRE: A dish that satisfies Tom and Padma, and a pureed baby food version for their infants. Baby food? You’re stretching it, producers.

9:05: Hey, it’s Tamesha! Is this the first time she’s said anything on camera all season? Seems like it.

Kelly is making spice rubbed pork loin, because nothing screams “baby food” like a good spice rub. Also? Curry.

I can’t remember the older culinary instructor’s name, so I’m going to go with “Woman of a Certain Age,” or WoCA for short.

9:06: How will Amanda work booze into this challenge? It is her hallmark.

9:08: Shouldn’t there be baby judges? But then Padma finds a lemon seed in Kelly’s baby food, so I suppose the set is too hazardous for babies.

9:09: The bottom: Smoove B and his overcooked lamb. Alex and his serial killer glasses. Kevin and his bloody duck. Kelly and her bland pork, with her baby food that could have choked Padma Jr. to death.

The top: WoCA and Tamesha. We’re paying attention to her twice in one ep? Score for her. Padma liked Shaft and The Dropper.

9:12: Commercials. I know I’ve always had a terrible time eating whole fruit, what with all the biting and chewing, so Fruit Today is really going to transform my diet.

9:14: It’s lonely without Sara in the comments. Where you at, Sara?

Quickfire winners: Tom picks Tamesha, Padma picks Shaft.

9:15: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Hotel cooking for the busy traveler, in teams. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in rounds, with two teams deemed safe each round and one team eliminated.

It’s the official Hilton Hotels challenge, which supplies the product placement we’ve been sorely missing all episode.

9:18: Oh Arnold, of course you’re more than a Louis Vuitton bag. You’re like TWO Louis Vuitton bags.

Ed is skeptical of pancakes. I am skeptical of Ed because pancakes are awesome.

9:19: DICKWEED as a guest judge? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Spike was bad enough.

9:20: LeahRedux wants to bring her little buddy up. That’s what she said.

9:21: I could stand to lose either LeahRedux or Kelly tonight.

“which team makes the best spin off? i think arnold and lynn as a buddy cop show.” (heh, @tvrob).

Why didn’t they bring past winners back? Probably because they’re off doing things with their lives. Which isn’t fair to Bryan V, but I can’t help but insult Spike and Dickweed.

9:24: Commercials. There’s a full serving of vegetables in each bowl of Mr. Boyardee ravioli. Between this and Fruit Today, I’m going to be the picture of health!

Pointless interlude. The Dropper thinks Tamesha is sexy. She’s getting a lot of play tonight, and I don’t mean that in the dirty way it kinda came out.

9:28: You know, I really don’t spend enough time at Mohegan Sun. It looks fun, with all the spontaneous singing and dancing.

9:29: Alex and Ed leave pretty much everything off their plate. Well played.

I’m doubtful of the concept of “cheddar broth.”

9:31: I’m not sure why we need an entire panel of judges, by which I mean, why give Dickweed more airtime than he’s already had? He gives New Jersey a foul name.

I’m bored with poached eggs. And that’s saying something, because I fricking love poached eggs on anything, any time.

9:32: Dammit, LeahRedux is safe in the first round. Along with Hopcraft, Tiffany and Smoove B.

9:34: Arnold is worried about being too quirky for the Hilton. I think that’s a given.

9:37: The Dropper and Tamesha and Alex and Ed are safe after lunch. Which means that team Andrea and Kelly need to fail, or else we’re losing someone I like. I’m scared for Arnold, who’s been talking up his “winning streak” all ep.

9:39: It sounded for all the world like Andrea just said, “Someone moved the shiv.”

9:41: Two teams are making short ribs, which makes short ribs the new scallop.

9:42: Andrea: “Short ribs are all about the Jew.”

Arnold is having a falling out with WoCA, which does not bode well. They are, however, well-matched snipers.

9:44: Dammit, they’re giving away the secret to perfect ribs: Campbell’s French onion soup mix.

9:45: Don’t let Kevin talk, he sucks the life from the room. He’s an energy sinkhole.

9:47: Sinking feeling for Arnold, who I’m thinking is going to be sent home to exfoliate.

9:48: JUDGE’S TABLE: Kelly and Andrea have the top dish. Le sigh. They win trips to Europe. As Jess rightly points out in the comments, shouldn’t the top breakfast team have one?

Kelly: “I sneak up on people sometimes.” Frightening.

9:50: Shaft was happy with the viscosity of his sauce. But what about the flavor? This is Top Chef, not Top Fluid Dynamics Engineer.

Arnold needs to SHUT UP in front of the judges, because he just talked his way into a trip home right there.

9:52: I find that I enjoy listening to Eric Ripert rip people apart.

9:55: Commercials. Steve Carrell is leaving the office for this? Even my dogs look disapproving.

9:57: Arnold and WoCA, who is apparently named “Lynne,” are sent packing, and Arnold is still babbling. I’m glad we still have Shaft though, and Arnold did kind of turn into an ass in the last few minutes.

NEXT WEEK: More teamwork. Shaft is the alpha male presence; Ceasar Milan would advise that quiet confidence is the way to go.