Only 15 chefs left! I’ll be CERTAIN to remember everyone’s name! Sigh.
Tonight, the nation’s top chefs are stymied by…pie.
Last week, we all learned a lesson about school lunches, and Jacqueline bit it with her sugary, tooth-dissolving banana pudding. Kelly made tacos, HERSELF, and Angelo may or may not have thrown it.
9:02: Amanda brushes her teeth while sitting on a yoga ball, wearing bumblebee pants. Angelo broods in the rock garden. Neither of these things make me like either of them any more.
9:04: No, Johnny Iuzzini is not hot. Johnny Iuzzini has enough product in his hair to grease a tractor.
QUICKFIRE: Pie! The terrified looks on their faces: brilliant.
9:06: Kelly is confident. I hope that spells downfall. Because I am mean-spirited.
Angelo is making a curried yam pie, and I am concerned.
9:07: Who doesn’t like pie, seriously? It’s PIE. PIE IS DELICIOUS. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like pie.
Amanda’s putting bourbon in her pie, because booze is her not-so-secret secret.
Why not make a tapioca pie with an almond crust? Perhaps because it sounds awful? Just a suggestion.
9:09: N-Rod’s first pie fails after she neglects to measure anything. You are BAKING here. You’re going to wing it? Really? You deserve to go down for that. And I say that knowing that someone else is making a pie with celery in it.
She eventually produces some kind of crumble, the Saddest of All Possible Crumbles.
9:12: Commercials. While we wait, might you be so kind as to go vote for me?
9:15: Johnny Bravo: “My grandma’s not a pastry chef either, but she can make a pie.” HA.
Mango pie with basil crust…I want it to be good, because it sounds good.
9:16: The worst pies: Alex, N-Rod and Ed. Ed and N-Rod both mumble like nobody’s business.
9:17: Favorites: Kelly, Hopcraft and Shaft, with Shaft taking the win (Shut yo’ mouth!) and getting immunity. Angelo looks so happy for him!
9:18: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Picnicking at Mount Vernon, grilling.
Arnold: “I’m not a grill guy, it will clog the pores too fast.” LOVE.
9:20: Amanda has no problem bowling over the elderly. Also, she reminds one a bit too much of the wretched Leah, so: two more reasons not to like her. I dub her LeahRedux.
9:23: Commercials. How did we live without smartphones? Wandering around, looking things up in books, talking to people in real life. LIKE SUCKERS.
9:24: The picnic is for Washington interns. At Mount Vernon. Nice, Bravo.
9:25: N-Rod gets the doh-di-doh music of the soon-to-fail.
The Dropper is confident, and thinks his Asian picnic will be awesome. Of course he does.
Alex and LeahRedux spar over an oven, yelling at each other like children as Colicchio comes in. Well played, chefs.
9:28: LillyJ: “Prison rules. I would LOVE an episode where actual prison rules are enforced. Don’t drop anything!”
9:30: Sheep! Is it wrong to hope that an errant sheep knocks over someone’s grill?
Alex: Mount Vernon is “everything [he] thought it would be.” A bastion of slavery?
Smoove B is confident because he is a MAN and grilling is a MANLY THING that MEN DO.
9:32: It must be hard to “play the part” when your natural energy is lover than a coma patient, Ed.
WAXMAN! Waxman is here! FYI, totally going to his restaurant for a belated anniversary celebration.
9:34: Interns are not discerning when it comes to free food.
GOOSE ATTACK! So I was right that animals would run amok, I just had the wrong animal. Score!
9:36: Ras el Hanout…that’s so Blais years ago.
9:39: Hopcraft has disrespected the fish.
LeahRedux is doing well; even The Dropper ekes out some praise. Not doing well but thinks she is? N-Rod. Still, nice to see them tasting each others food and not being bitches about it.
9:41: Commercials. I would like to politely suggest to the Bush’s Baked Beans people that the talking dog is perhaps not working for them as well as they think.
9:43: Pointless interlude. N-Rod is psychic, with a self-proclaimed 85% success rate. I predict that she won’t see her own downfall coming, and I’m confident that I will have a 100% success rate with that prediction.
9:47: Arnold, Ed, LeahRedux and The Dropper are called in first. Not so much Hopcraft, who is convinced his fish was killer. I wonder what will happen to him?
9:49: WINNER: Arnold! His curtsy is adorable. I love him 10% more than I did half an hour ago. Also: hooray for LeahRedux not winning!
The bottom: Smoove B, N-Rod, Kevin and Hopcraft.
9:52: Tom looks personally disappointed at each one of them, and is particularly harsh on N-Rod. In the stew room, Hopcraft still can’t believe he was called in. Believe it, Hopcraft.
9:55: Commercials. Have I mentioned the voting? Yes, I’m a panderer.
9:57: N-Rod, you insulted Italians. Hopcraft, you disrespected the fish. Smoove B, you lost your soul. Kevin, you were just kinda lame, but not terrible.
9:58: KNIFED: N-Rod. Man, I thought we were going to have to suffer her for two more eps, at least. Huzzah!
Next Week: A double elimination thins the herd. Ripert is back.
I don’t trust the girl who says she doesn’t like pie.
Michelle, I’m confused because you’re calling Sherry “Kelly.”
And dude who is making a cobbler (why can’t I remember who anyone is?): by definition, that is NOT a pie.
Oh, Alex, an intern joke! You’re so hilarious!
Yes! I just said to my sister, “Is that the Leah girl I don’t like?” I called her that last week, too. Ugh.
Amanda as LeahRedux…love it!!! I was thinking the same thing. She’s annoying.
Prison rules? Does she watch repeats of Oz?
The only trouble with this challenge would be if my food doesn’t cook properly. But that’s it.
JONATHAN WAXMAN!
Alex would eat the ass out of that pig all day. I officially hate him.
Hope those birds aren’t judging.
Uh-oh. His food didn’t cook probably. Guess he’s in trouble.
What did N-Rod say there in her prediction? I couldn’t understand them.
Yay! I actually like Arnold. And he deserves it, since he could’ve totally screwed up his pores with that grill.
Awesome. I heart Gail.
N-Rod had a bad day. A really bad one, I guess. Your prediction came true so quickly, Michelle!
Am I the only one who thought ras el hanout was liam neeson’s name in batman returns? Ok yea that’s what I thought. I’m the only one.
It was Ras al ghul in batman begins. So close.
this is about the promo for the next episode….
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Ok so they show Mike I, Spike, and Bryan V as judges at what appears to be the Quickfire (since it looks like they’re sitting in the TC kitchen). WHERE IS CARLA? She’s a DC Top Chef alum too! Wasn’t she invited? And I know she’s not technically “in” the city, she’s in the suburbs but Bryan V is the whole way out in Frederick. I need me some Carla! But at least Bryan is there to attempt to balance out Spike and Mike I…