Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 6

topchefmasters1And then there were seven.

Carmen was sent packing back to her (presumably) tiny house last week. Who will be next? How much weed will Jonathan Waxman smoke? Who will cut him or herself on Susur’s cheekbones? Will Rick Moonen ever be vaguely happy about anything? How many times will a Sex and the City 2 commercial make me want to put out my eyes?

Also: Hank Azaria! W to the O to the OT.

RICK MOONEN IS TALKING HERE. That clip will never die.

LAST WEEK: Wedding Wars. Jody Adams took it. Rick Moonen was dour. Jonathan Waxman was a ninja, and Tony was an utter non-presence.

10:02: QUICKFIRE: Cooking dishes inspired by Simpsons characters. I’m glad the see Chief Wiggam, but am a little sad there’s no Ralph. “Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!” Also: Hank Azaria, who does practically every voice that Harry Shearer does not.

10:04: We’ve finally seen what it takes to make Rick Moonen happy: The Simpsons. Apparently he hasn’t been watching the last few seasons.

10:07: Susur is making edible Marges. It’s freaking me out a little.

Yes, that’s what being a Top Chef is all about: making a comeback after Susur screws all your shit up.

Apparently, Moe says “millet.” Because Moe is part bird, or possibly a baboon.

10:08: “Fried bacon honey pizza dough.” If that doesn’t say Wiggam, what does? For Ralph, it would have been a plate of worms and a raw potato.

10:10: Yes, Rick, we get it. It’s a sloppy D’oh! That’s humorous! You made a funny! Now move on.

Waxman serves spaghetti and a grilled cheese sandwich for Bart, and that dinner would totally make me happy. Suddenly my bowl of Special K is no longer looking so gourmet.

10:12: Aaand Moonen is back to dour.

I think the Apu voice has to be my favorite. “It’s Sergeant Pepper’s lonely hearts club band. I hope you will enjoy…my show.”

10:14: Commercials. Times I want to put my eyes out because of Sex and the City 2 Count: 1

10:18: Other things that make Rick happy: winning.

10:19: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Is the taxidermy really necessary? My vote: no. Also, is goat really that exotic? My vote: also no. They draw pot lids to see what order they’ll choose their vile foodstuffs.

What makes black chicken black? Also, why does the stuffed kangaroo look like it’s about to claw someone’s eyes out?

10:22: Susur better rock this shit out.

Jody Adams: A woman who cannot resist free cheese.

10:23: The ingredients are not speaking to Waxman today. He’s getting the slow tinkly music of doom.

There’s something slightly gross about presenting these ingredients as yucky, isn’t there? Now that I think about it. I mean, for some people, they’re just food.

Although I still think they’re yucky. But what do I know? I ate cereal for dinner.

10:28: Commercials. Times I want to put my eyes out: 2, but this time it’s because of Andy Cohen. I also want to stick forks in my ears.

10:29: Foreskin. Heh.

Marcus is using the classic rule, when in doubt, make sausage. Wise.

Rick Moonen seems angry at his black chicken for being what it is.

10:31: Waxman, on duck tongues: “They look like duck penises.” But they taste like…wait for it: chicken! So he can fry them!

10:32: Really, Moonen? The confidence level in the kitchen is shaky? Maybe you should talk to Susur and Marcus, they might beg to differ.

Tony is using a second class rule: braise that shit.

10:34: I heard “activa” as “activia,” and thought, whoa. Get out the Depends.

Marcus sagely explains that cooking is not as big a deal as having your mother die of tuberculosis. I’m sorry, and yet: no pity points.

10:36: Waxman’s rock climbing story is like a fucking zen koan. Or the world’s worst Chinese fortune cookie. “Trust in your foot.”

Coming up: unBalaban’s tie matches Gael’s hat, so all is right with the world.

10:38: Commercials. For every bucket of heart attack you buy from KFC, they’ll give money to cancer research. Cognitive. Dissonance.

I would drive two hours out of my way to get away from that talking horse.

10:42: Wherein I take an immediately dislike to Andrew Zimmern.

I’m not even going to try to keep track of what everyone made. Rick treated his protein respectfully, with unBalaban channeling Colicchio.

Zimmern makes the fine point that these foods are normal for some people. Brian: “Why are you nodding, Kelly Choi? You don’t eat.”

10:44: Andrew Zimmern’s goat story: shut up.

10:46: Is “subterfuged” a word? And if so, can it be applied to monkfish?

Andrew Zimmern expounding on geoduck: shut up.

10:47: Waxman’s proteins apparently did speak to him, and they brought him down. They’re not loving him.

Brian: “His looked gooood. Because fried shit is good.”

10:49: Andrew Zimmern talking about anything: shut up. And your bad metaphor-loving friends, too.

These are all master chefs, yes? Should they really have been THAT flummoxed? I call shenanigans.

10:52: Commercials. I take the time to check the comments thread…which doesn’t exist. I wonder if the ratings mirror my comments? Dang, I can’t wait for regular Top Chef to come back.

Interlude: If Rick can’t have fun, Rick does NOT want to do it. Brian: “People LIKE him?”

10:54: Does anyone really use the amount of mayo people are shown using in the commercials? Do the actors have to purge after the shoot.

I note that it’s getting late, and that means this episode is going to run long. At least they had a good reason, right? Oh, wait.

10:57: CRITIC’S TABLE. Every time I see Tony, I get the feeling that he’s a wax figuring that’s melting.

10:59: unBalaban takes talkback very well. unBalaban: “I’m going to ask you a question.” Chef: “Comeback.” unBalaban: “Oh, okay.”

11:01: unBalaban: “I would have wished for a finer noodle.” Why does that crack my shit up?

Susan’s sea cucumber was “very edible.” High praise!

11:04: I’m really not sure who’s getting the axe. Top scorers are Susur, Rick, Susan and Tony, with Rick and Susur in the lead.

11:05: Whoa, is Susur going to run away with the whole season? 19 fricking stars?

Rick looks like he has a perpetual headache.

11:07:  Commercials. Hearing the housewife sing is almost, but not quite, as painful as listening to Andy Cohen. Which says something about the depth of my loathing for Andy Cohen, because that is some godawful “singing.”

What is the target demographic of this show that they air commercials for both SATC2 and The A-Team?

11:09: If Waxman goes home, I don’t know how I’m going to go on.

11:11: Man, the diners are HARSH. And it’s not looking good for Waxman. I like you enough, Jody, but I hope you bite it.


NEXT WEEK: Tailgating. Lots of running. Marcus and Rick are going to rumble, and Waxman wakes from his slumber to sass the judges.

17 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 6

  1. No one’s here! I’m still behind on the episode (thank you, DVR!), so I still have to catch up on the liveblogging, too. But I loved the Simpsons challenge! Can’t believe Moonen won, though. C’mon!

    Ew. I hate these nasty looking ingredients. But I love the music they play behind Waxman shopping. He’s the best, even though he’s freaked out about everything.

  2. Coming out of lurk mode to say: you are not alone, so please don’t stick anything pointy in your eyes or ears. Also, since subterfuge is a noun, I’m guessing that one cannot properly put it in the past tense. Which is a fancy way of saying, hearing that word come out of his mouth was like chewing aluminum foil.

  3. yeah you guys aren’t alone. I love Hank Azaria. Also Susur and Rick make me laugh so I’m rooting for them.

  4. I had a boyfriend that used that much mayo once. He used to go to BK and order a whopper with extra mayo on the side and then dip it before each bite. I stopped going to BK with him.

  5. Holy crapola, that was a stressful elimination. If Waxman left I would have been so sad.

    Susur better sleep with one eye open, Moonen is out for blood.

  6. Holy crap. Super stressful at the end there. My sister was sitting next to me and letting out little moans of fear. Intense. Sorry, Jody, but you’re no Waxman.

  7. I love reading this as I watch. Thanks so much!

    And why is Marcus still there? GAHH!

    And as for the demographic, I like cocktails and things exploding, so I guess me? :)

  8. Fried bacon honey dough. OMG. Also, I call Susur in a runaway. He seems to have ‘working off the cuff’ down to a virtuoso art. (I, personally, save reading the liveblogging until I sit down the next morning… because work is way less fun that this!)

  9. Ripert is going to be a regular judge? How exciting for us and frightening for the contestants.

    This week was a sad one for me. I was rooting for the home-town girl, Jody. The last few weeks when she’d won either challenge or quickfire, I even had hope.

  10. I DVR it, so I didn’t see it until last night. But the very second Moonen got all giddy, I thought of you. Lovin’ the live blog. I was with you all the way – I wasn’t sure I’d even keep watching without Waxman. But damn, I liked Jody. Thanks for the giggles.

  11. I DVR it, so I didn’t see it until last night. But the very second Moonen got all giddy, I thought of you. Lovin’ the live blog. I was with you all the way – I wasn’t sure I’d even keep watching without Waxman. But damn, I liked Jody. Thanks for the giggles.

  12. Listening to Andrew Z talk about what he does as respecting other cultures/honoring non-Western “peasant” cuisine is like hearing some stroke-meister explain his subscription to Penthouse as about an appreciation for “tasteful” and “artistic” photography.

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