Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 3

topchefmastersTonight: 6 of last season’s losers return to have their vengeance: Rick Moonen, Wylie Dufresne, Graham Eliott Bowles, Mark Peel, Jonathan Waxman and Ludo Lefebvre.

Thankfully, there’s not a Chiarello in sight.

Ludo “I can make a better taco than Rick Bayless” Lefebvre is back and likely just as delusional and jackassy as he was the first time around, and Bowles is out for some greasy Dufresne blood, so let’s hope for an exciting episode with some actual competition.

LAST WEEK: Carmen forget her stew. Marcus was kind of a dick. Monica was an automaton until she wasn’t, and then there was crying. Carmen and Marcus moved on.

10:01: Moonen is here to “cook his brains out.” You don’t have to change many letters there to get “coke his brains out.” I’m just saying.

Bowles wants to humiliate Wylie Dufresne, and I can get behind that goal.

10:02: Waxman is his own competition. Except for the actual competition.

10:04: QUICKFIRE: Sponsored by Stoli. Create a dish to pair with a Stoli cocktail. Why do we need to have so many kinds of vodka. Everyone knows the only real way to drink vodka is in a gimlet, and there’s no room for all those nancy flavors.

Did she just say one of the drinks is called a “ginger figgle”? Figgle. Heh.

And now, everyone must cook partially drunk. Who will set themselves on fire accidentally? I’m going with Dufresne, you know his hair would go up like dry kindling.

10:06: The judges are Gael Greene and…the housewives of Orange County. Who are familiar with cocktails, I’m sure.

Figgle. Heh.

10:09: Bowles: “The clock is constantly breathing down your shoulder.” Are you sure?

10:10: Whoa, Gael is wearing an ACTUAL clown hat this week. God only knows what Oseland will have on to complement her. I’m hoping for a boa, or a fur tie.

One of the housewives is about to lose her boobs. Also, none of them appear to be able to make facial expressions.

10:12: Ludo is more than a little pissed at being judged by the housewives. It may be the only time Ludo and I agree on anything.

Everyone got really high scores from the expert panel, even though it seemed like no one really liked anything.

10:16: Commercials. I think that thing about the woman marrying the Eiffel Tower is true, but it doesn’t make the commercial any less annoying.

10:18: Waxman, AKA my slightly dotty and disheveled uncle, got a perfect score. Well played, Waxman.

ELIMINATION: Create an upscale pub dish.

10:20: Waxman picks shepherd’s pie, and then everyone else natters about what they’ll end up with. Ludo wisely does not want Moonen, the fish guy, to get fish and chips. This is the second time I’ve agreed with Ludo now in under 10 minutes, and I’m frightened.

Brian, who just walked in: “I hate the French guy.”

10:22: Between the figgle and “toad in the hole,” I’m like a 10 year old tonight. Toad. Heh.

Cooking frenzy montage. Waxman seems a little less stoned this season, no? I mean, not much, but there’s something there.

10:25: Commercials. “This asthma medication may cause asthma-related death…it’s the right choice for me.” Whereas the right choice for me is usually the medicine that does not do THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what it’s supposed to.

10:28: Ludo, he got the fish and chips. Don’t make me say this thing that I hate to say: it is what it is. Get over it, cook your shit and move on. Brian: “He’s a big fat baby.”

Okay, I take it back: Waxman is totally stoned. How does he move so slowly yet accomplish so much? Ninja?

10:29: I would pay good money to see a Bowles-Ludo fist fight.

Ludo’s plate “looks like a piece of art”…a piece of art that someone smeared poop on.

10:30: Both Gael/Gails in one place, and no unBalaban? The world is crumbling around me.

Why is Gail hiding her rack from us this week? Sad.

10:32: They just came SO CLOSE to showing Kelly Choi eating food, she had a fork, her mouth was open, and…cut away. DAMN YOU BRAVO EDITING MONKEYS.

You know what I never want to eat? “Kidney vinaigrette.”

10:35: Sucks that Mark Peel had oven trouble, because in theory I would eat the crap out of his dish.

OH SHIT! SHE ATE! Granted, they cut away before a swallow, but still.

I totally want to hang out with Jonathan Waxman. Although he could use a needle of adrenaline to the heart.

10:36: Coming up: RICK MOONEN IS TALKING TO YOU. And possibly punching Ludo in the jaw, which we can only hope for.

10:37: Commercials. I don’t like living in a world where movies like “Letters to Juliet” get made. Also, I manage to live my life just fine without an iPhone. I just want that on the record.

10:40: Interlude. Maybe Waxman is on shrooms, unlike weed as previously thought. “Toads are not amphibious.” Thanks for that!

10:42: I totally believe that the Olive Garden has real trained chefs and not 18 year olds defrosting pre-made meals on a conveyor belt. I bet their training school is really strenuous.

10:43: Ludo did not get punched. Or stabbed. Or even biffed. Disappointment. But at least it’s not the lovefest these things usually are.

10:46: Kellly Choi is contributing nothing except her giant, square Giada DiLaurentiis smile, the unending smile, on a mouth that never eats. I don’t think she can be trusted.

10:48: Ludo: “These people (the diners) have no taste.” Correct. They are old Irish men.  They have no taste.

I would eat the holy hell out of Waxman’s dish. That bowl of Special K I had for dinner is not holding up.

10:51: Waxman takes the high score, after seemingly doing nothing at all. He IS like a wizard. “These are not the men you’re looking for.” Has anyone ever gotten a score that high before? 18.5 stars, none too shabby.

I miss unBalaban more that I thought I would.

10:53: I see, from the dead comments, that no one gives two shits, or one shit, or even half a shit about Top Chef Masters. Or maybe everyone is just staying away from Ludo.

America would like to hang out with Wylie Dufresne in a pub, because America as a whole is stupid. Brian: “I think he’s a greasy douchebag…don’t write that, what if he reads the blog, he’ll think I don’t like him. Oh wait, I don’t.”

10:55: Peel got ONE POINT from the diners – ouch. He’s out, as is Ludo.

10:57:  Bowles loses to Wylie by a point. He’s waiting for the next chance to see who the better chef is. We know, don’t we? It’s Wylie. He beat you.

10:58: Moonen takes it.

NEXT WEEK: A bunch more chefs I don’t recognize. I’m going to have to read up.

17 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 3

  1. I paid $14.95 for a “season pass” to TC Masters 2 from iTunes, and so far, I wish I’d just spent my $14.95 on pizza. Your liveblog is the only product of quality TC Masters 2 has generated.

  2. I read your liveblogs, just not live so much as I don’t watch it live on East Coast time. :)

    I felt really bad for Mark Peel, too, as I would totally eat that dish (if not a doughy mess). Waxman would be an awesome uncle to have. Ludo is an asshat who needs to know when to give up.

  3. I would much rather watch Redneck Wedding or Millionaire Matchmaker than crap like Top Chef Masters (and that’s saying something). The whole Top Chef // Next Iron Chef // WHATEVER shows were interesting for about a season when they came out. And don’t talk to me about Chopped, it never held any interest at all.

    Now if they would scroll your live blogging across the bottom of the screen….nope, I wouldn’t watch it even then. But reading this is fine.

    The only cooking shows left on TV (except local cable access) that are worth watching ever are:

    Alton Brown’s Good Eats
    Triple D — diner’s, drive-ins, and dives
    Bobby Flay’s throwdown (mostly because he has such a good attitude and seems like he is really a nice guy)

    I have to say that I miss the real cooking shows they used to have, like Ms. Julia and the Galloping Gourmet…

  4. Um. Okay, I double checked to make sure I didn’t care about being offensive (answer is still “not at all”). If you think Top Chef Masters sucks, but Bobby Flay’s Throwdown is great because he’s such a genuinely great person and not a total asswad who spends his time trying to surprise-one-up people who have ONE SIGNATURE DISH IN THE WORLD on national television, then you’re in the wrong place.

    Though I’ll agree that Guy Fieri is freakishly personable. I didn’t want to like him, but I did anyway.

    Top Chef Masters is completely watchable, this blog is awesome, and the only reason that Bobby Flay’s show hasn’t been set on fire is because his wife is hot as fuck, and that’s coming from someone who’s pretty actively afraid of vaginas.

  5. Thank you dear lady for affirming that our recent ‘loss’ of cable has cost us nothing. Worst…season…ever…

    May your snarkiness never run dry.

  6. Yeah, I’m going to agree (mostly) with Kristie here. Really? You think Top Chef is unwatchable but enjoy watching Bobby Flay and his annoying hair try to upstage people who did nothing to him? Also, Diners, Drive In’s and Dives? That’s your idea of entertainment? Guy Fieri gives me the creeps. Fuzzy, do you work for Food Network or something?

  7. I just wanted to add that I hope the lack of comments doesn’t stop you from liveblogging! I LOVE reading these–it’s like my Wednesday nightcap. I don’t comment because (a) I watch it in Phx and not “live” and (b) your set high standards of funny that I cannot live up to!

  8. fuzzy, i gotta agree with the commenters below. the bobby flay show makes me crazy, and i think guy fieri is insufferable. alton brown, however, has my undying love and i am totally with you on that.

    also, ‘chopped’ is a piece of televised dreck.

    kristen, no worries, i have no plans to stop.

  9. Shrug. Everyone has things that they can’t stand. My impression of Mr. Flay is that he would just as soon not win, and that he is primarily there to have fun, visit cool people, and give some air time to people who might not otherwise get any. Of the 10 or so episodes of it (yup, that’s all I’ve seen) that I have seen, I’ve only seen one where his “competitor” seemed less than tickled to death.

    Nothing to say if Mr. Fee-ett-ee gives you the creeps. And I don’t watch it for *him*, I watch it for the food and the people he is interacting with.

    I can’t stand to watch Paula, Sandra, Giada, Rachel, the new imitation Rachel-clone they have, or nearly any other show on Food Network anymore. I think they went in the wrong direction a few years ago, and eventually they will become to food what MTV is now to music videos.

    Note to Kristie: I don’t think I’m in the wrong place. TNS rocks.

  10. fuzzy, i’m holding out some hope for this new “cooking channel” that’s launching, although knowing my shitty cable package i probably won’t get it anyway. food network is largely a wasteland.

  11. i think i like your live blog better than watching the show. and waxman…total jedi, ninja, whatever. i want to eat what he cooks. period.

  12. Every time I see those stupid Olive Garden commercials wher they brag about the cheese sauce they make for a “fonduta” I just have to laugh. what the hell is fonduta, and does it sound as nasty to you as it does to me?

  13. Fonduta sounds like weenie-cheese. Guy F. is a ridiculous, over-exposed clown whose 15 minutes are about up, I’d guess. FN is betting on him as Emeril’s successor, hoping he can bring back the white male working class, BBQ and beer demographic (guys who loved the BAM!) who get all hot ‘n bothered watching Man vs. Food and that “I ate dog confit on the Ho Chi Minh Trail” show on another channel.

  14. Sorry for the stupid run-on sentence. I just really can’t stand the guy. And his over-pronounced name.

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