thursday night smackdown

You thought this was done, but it’s NOT.

Reunion. I’ll be there. Don’t forget, this shit’s on at 9, not 10.

Watching the end of the finale, and am reminded again of how very unsatisfied I am.

9:00: I’m already sick of Andy Cohen!

Padma’s bangs remain, as always, a travesty.

9:01: Jessie’s sick and won’t be with us, but it doesn’t really matter because no one remembers her.

Way to slam Kevin 30 seconds in: “We knew you were out of the running pretty quickly.” Thank you for the gratuitous cruelty, Colicchio! That’s why we keep you around. At least he (Kevin) won a buttload of cash in the Quickfires.

Montage of Michael! Apparently, 50% of his season was comprised of hacking things with a cleaver with great vigor.

9:03: Yes, let’s talk about the finale. Bryan undersalted. The end. Sad.

9:04: WHY DOES ANDY COHEN ALWAYS HAVE TO YELL?

Hey look, Mousy girl!

Apparently, Kevin thought of taking himself out of the competition because he felt like he caused Mousy girl to lose. No, Mousy girl, you lost because you sucked. Mousy girl wanted Jen to go home, an idea which is dismissed by everyone out of hand, and rightfully so.

9:06: Who will win fan favorite? Dickweed: “Kevin has it in the baaaaag.”

9:08: Montage of people being hard on themselves. There’s cursing. It’s funny. Almost as funny as watching someone fall down, and that is FUNNY. Interesting: Hairbrush hates herself a LOT. Apparently it comes from having played college basketball.

9:11: Commercials: It is the case that Jake Gyllenhall and Tobey McGuire can only be in a movie together if they’re playing brothers, because seriously, look at those two.

Comcast commercial with the FiOS salesman hiding under the bed: more creepy than anything else. You can do better, Comcast.

9:14: Neckerchief guy! His name is something with an M, yes?

9:15: Montage of Kevin dining with the French chefs, which mainly consists of shots of Kevin looking nonplussed and/or embarrassed. Which is also almost as funny as watching people fall down.

Mattin! That’s his name!

9:16: Andy Cohen hates Basques. That’s what I’m taking away from his exchange with Mattin.

Time has not made it any easier to me to understand Haitian Boat Guy.

9:18: Montage of judges hating things. Holy shit, who was that blond woman?!

9:21: Montage of everyone being awesome…except Mike Isabella. Dear Show, montage of people being awesome is not nearly as amusing as montage of people looking discomfited. Thanks, Me.

Does anyone think they went home early? Yes, everyone except the guy that won! Dickweed says some shit, but I refuse to waste any aural energy processing him. Hector was angry about going. Hector responds: “Something something something.”

9:24: Commercials: The Lovely Bones. Is that Marky Mark? Because he will never be anyone but Marky Mark to me.

9:25: Andy Cohen fishes for scandalous romance. There was none. Cue montage of people getting drunk and acting like toolboxes.

My god, I try to ignore it, but Dickweed’s high pitched schoolgirl-on-nitrous laugh makes him impossible to tune out.

9:27: Look at the brothers’ postures, it says a lot. Mike is leaning forward, all aggressive; Bryan is leaning back, all “fuck this shit, I lost.”

9:29: I’m prescient! Montage of the brothers acting different from one another, possibly because they are two different people. And one of them is an ass. Bryan’s resignation to the fact is both amusing and sad.

9:31: Even as a child, Michael was a dick to his brother. Telling it couched in a cute story almost makes it okay!

9:32: The brothers’ mom gives Bryan a ’79 Corvette for losing. God love a mom.

9:33: Coming up: Everyone still hates Robin!

9:35: Commercials: I think “Did you hear about the Morgans?” is going to be the holiday hit of 2009, where holiday hit = “pointless rom-com that no one needs to see, and also Sarah Jessica Parker bears a passing resemblance to a horse.”

I cannot lie: liveblogging this reunion is not all that entertaining, for you or me. I blame all the montages. And Andy Cohen. I blame him for a lot of things, I find him to be a useful all-purpose scapegoat.

9:38: Everyone was sad to see Haitian Boat Guy go home, I think because he laughs like Santa Clause. You can’t tell me they knew what he was actually saying.

9:39: More commercials. I’m tired of Amy Adams. I didn’t like her before, and now when I look at her all I can think of is Julie Powell.

9:40: Eli: Why do you still live with your parents? Answer: Unsatisfying.

Montage: Eli and Kevin bromance. Also, Kevin is smarter than everyone else and likes to talk about jets.

9:43: NERDS. On the moon, nerds have their pants pulled down and are spanked with moon rocks.

HOLY JESUS, SOME POOR WOMAN MARRIED DICKWEED. DO NOT BLAME YOUR ASSHOLERY ON BEING FROM JERSEY. I’m from Jersey, and we all know I’m a goddamned angel.

9:44: Dickweed Montage. I’m going to think about puppies for a few minutes.

9:45: Mike gets called on for being sexist and punts the question to Jen. He’s not an asshole, he’s just “intense.” Which is an excuse in no one’s universe but Mike’s.

9:47: Montage of Robin talking a lot and people hating her. Dickweed wants to choke her with a shoe! Hilarity!

Audience question: Why did not one just bring it up politely?

9:49: Further montage of people hating Robin. Let’s really drive that point home, because she’s been a little too comfortable during this reunion so far. Is talking a lot really that great a crime that it warrants national humiliation? Yes!

9:51: “Heat of the moment”: Only an excuse if you kill your partner after finding them in bed with your two best friends. Eli then offers the world’s most insincere apology for his Robin cancer crack. I hope his mom gives him an earful when he gets home. You know, cuz he lives with his mom.

9:55: In case anyone was wondering, I still really, really hate Andy Cohen. Like, a lot.

9:56: Cohen: “Do you guys ever forget that the cameras are rolling?” Kevin: “I don’t know, Andy; do we?” LOVE HIM.

Montage of the judges fucking shit up: also almost as funny as people falling.

9:59: The end, and you DON’T EVEN TELL ME FAN FAVORITE. You know who I blame? That’s right! Andy Cohen! AND we have to end on Mike I. creepily ogling Padma. Classy!