Liveblogging Top Chef Vegas: Finale, Part Two

topchef2Yukon Cornelius Jr. vs. the Voltaggio Brothers Electrical and Heating Repair Company.

There can be only one. And you know who that better be.

I’d take Bryan, though. Anyone, anyone but Michael.

THIS SEASON ON TOP CHEF: There was a lot of chaff. Nobody liked Robin. A guy who is not Jonah Hill lives with his mom. Shiv, Kevin and the Brothers Grim were consistently great. Tonight, one of them, who had better be Kevin, wins.

10:01: I gotta say, I don’t like Michael, but cook-wise, this might be the most solid top three ever.

Kevin: “My knives? I’m just gonna karate chop everything to pieces.” HE COULD DO IT.

10:03: Why are they standing in front of a teeny tiny table?

The challenge: a 3 course meal. First, you get a box and you have to use everything in it. Like we’re on”Chopped,” but not. Second, make anything you want. Third, make a dessert. If we have another season where no one came in knowing how to make at least one dessert, I will personally hunt them all down and smack them.

10:04: And you get help! Two sous, chosen by knife draw. Brian gets Shiv: lucky motherfucker. But then he also gets Hairbrush, so that’s a problem.

My poor Kevin: Preethi and Ash. Le sigh.

10:06: The mystery box: fish, crab, squash, shrooms, meyer lemons.

10:08: Kevin’s got Preethi on veg chopping duty, which she can barely manage. Rally, Kevin! Rally! You can rise above your crappy sous! Hairbrush seems to be doing a decent job, as is some other woman who I don’t remember as ever having been on the show. Was she always blond?

10:09: Coming up: A TWEEST!

10:12: Commercials: If ComCast is really giving me free service and cash back for being late, I am going to be ROLLING in it.

Kevin is angry at himself for being angry. Such a nice Catholic boy.

10:13: Michael Voltaggio, experiencing anxiety? My heart skips a beat!

And then everyone’s mom shows up! No tweest at all, just hugs. Where is my tweest? Are their moms the new sous? Do they have to cook each others’ mothers signature casseroles?

10:16: They show up at the restaurant and there’s Colicchio. NOW do we get the tweest? YES! Cook a fourth course inspired by your favorite childhood dish. Which, in all honesty, I hate the tweests, but that’s a cute challenge.

10:17: Childhood picture of Michael the drama queen losing his shit over some broccoli? PRICELESS.

10:18: Kevin: looks way better with a beard.

Shockingly, Kevin’s mom is a good ole Southern cook, and he’s making fried chicken skin. Because he knows I love him.

AND he got into MIT?

10:19: AND he’s cooking his mystery box fish in duck fat. THAT’S MY BOY. Thankfully, Ash actually seems to be good for something.

10:21: Michael is making sophisticated food that only looks rustic, and then “out I come!” That’s not terrifying at all. At least he managed to be not an asshole for 30 seconds while talking about/to his mom and didn’t get all “she was an okay mom, but she cooked food I would never feed my own children.”

Wait, AND Kevin’s putting bacon in the dessert? It’s like he can read my soul. We’re both already married, Kevin. This wooing is wrong, and you know it.

Don’t stop.

10:22: Are they pitting the mothers against each other as judges? Ratings gold! I bet it was Andy Cohen’s idea. It smacks of his kind of douchebaggery.

10:25: Brian’s attempt as singing along to the GladWare commercial: 90% accuracy! Well played.

10:26: The brothers’ mom just threatened Tom Colicchio. Which, I’m all for that, but calm down, lady. No one’s said anything yet.

Toby Young is back. Super! Along with ten thousand other way more impressive people, like Donatella Arpaia and Drew Nierporent. And of course, Kathy and Sharon.

10:29: The Brothers’ mom does not take criticism of her sons well. If we could just keep the camera trained on her face…also, consider replacing Toby Young with her next year.

And there is criticism, because some of them aren’t loving Michael. Don’t toy with me, editors.

10:30: And the course is over, so hit the road, moms! Nice.

Kevin’s mom and her frosted eyeshadow are beyond fantastic. I want her over for dinner. And she can bring Kevin, and he can cook.

10:32: Damn it, they’re loving Michael’s fish course. I hate wishing ill on others, but damn.

I just heard the words “caramelized ham jus.” I want a great big glass of that, and I don’t care how disgusting that sounds.

10:34: I think Kevin’s going down. I’m going to start adjusting to that now. If I’m wrong, it will be a happy surprise.

10:35: Yeah, Kevin’s going down.

Pardon me while I ignore what’s going on for a few minutes to really process this. I was still in denial about it last minute.

10:36: Calling it for Bryan. And I will be okay with that. Not thrilled, but okay.

I admit it, I’m a little angry with Kevin for not coming in with a more kick-ass dessert up his sleeve. I know it’s irrational. Let me have my moment.

10:39: Commercials: Toshiba laptop commercials hearken back to Tron. Because when I think technological advancement, I think Tron.

10:40: Pointless Interlude: Kevin feels great. Bryan is confident. Not so much? Michael. I warned you once about toying with me, editors. I won’t warn you a second time.

10:43: JUDGE’S TABLE: Lavendar suits Tom Colicchio. Less so for Gail, or Toby Young. Did they all call each other the night before? “What are you wearing?” “The lavendar tie? No, I wanted to wear the lavendar tie!”

10:45: Padma: “What about your pork dish?” I hate it when the voice overs are so painfully obvious.

Kevin dared to disagree with Tom over his pork belly. Nail in the coffin.

10:47: Why do you deserve to be Top Chef?

Bryan: “I expressed my cuisine. I hope this bland answer will suffice.”

Michael: “I don’t want Bryan to be Top Chef.” Everyone laughs because they think he is kidding. They don’t know.

Kevin: “I bring people together through food, and also I am by far the person you would most want to have a beer with.”

10:48: The British judge doesn’t mind Bryan’s bland-ish food. Heh.

I want to see him and Tom come to blows over Kevin’s treatment of the maitake mushroom. But Toby backs down in the end. Milquetoast.

10:50: Tom: “What bothers me about Michael’s dessert is that he didn’t make it right.” Comments like this are why we need Tom on the show.

10:51: I’m sticking with Bryan.

10:52: LEAVE ME A COMMENT: Reunion show: worth liveblogging? Think about it hard, because it means you’ll be consigning me to an hour of Andy Cohen.

10:54: Commercials: Beggin’ Strips. The dog in the commercial reacts much as I do when bacon is immanent.

10:56: Padma: “One of you is Top Chef.” Thank god, because I was starting to worry that I didn’t understand how this show worked.

Kevin’s eyes get all twinkly when he smiles…and he goes first.

Excuse me while I lock myself in a metaphorical room for a minute: MOTHERFUCKERRRRR.

10:57: The brothers are left. Fight for the win! Fight!

10:58: Michael wins.

I almost wish this whole season hadn’t happened.

The household is in shock. THE HORROR.

10:59: I feel like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage: “How do you feel (about that game)?” “Betrayed, bewildered.”

Michael is amazed he can feel all the emotions at once, namely because this is the first time he’s felt some of the most positive emotions.

——————————————–

It’s been fun, kids. Until just now, when it stopped being fun. Dammit.

60 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef Vegas: Finale, Part Two

  1. I hope Kevin doesn’t pull a Carla (which would mean Michael = Hosea, and I sure don’t want another Hosea; I didn’t want the first one!).

  2. Bryan hunts, not for sport, but to be more in tune with his ingredients.

    I think that’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard anyone say.

  3. I have friends who hunt with that sort of outlook, though when they say “ingredients”, they mean “meat that will keep me and mine alive over the winter.” They tend to thank their kills, which seems odd until you think about it the way they do.

  4. @Reba, yes, that’s how my husband usually approaches it, too. I don’t believe he’s ever claimed to be “in tune” with the deer, though. :)

    Why must Gail always be inspired by her food?

  5. I’ve eaten at Bryan’s restaurant (Volt) for the “Table 21″ 21 course tasting menu… it was amazing first of all, but secondly, he made that cheesecake… my fiance ate his, then stole my mom’s and mine, it was just that good. I want him to win, but mainly because he was so super nice to us at the dinner… then again it’s $121 a person so he’d better be nice!

  6. Oh, I said that earlier, Catherine, although Michael is way more talented than Hosea, who just coasted along somehow. But Michael’s a jerk. Ugh. Kevin!

  7. I hope Top Chef fires an employee from this season who then goes out and blabs about what led to this ridiculous result. I smell a rat.

  8. Please liveblog the reunion. Maybe it will take the bad taste from this result away…and maybe Eli and Robin will mudwrestle.

  9. I agree – can’t believe it. I was between Bryan and Kevin the whole time – never Michael. Please blog reunion. You are so funny!

  10. While I don’t rank Michael winning as bad as Hosea winning, I just… Ew. I honestly could never pay much attention to what Michael cooked for his douchebaggery. I don’t doubt he has skills, but the cockiness/little brother insecurity? No no no.

    My heart will always belong to Kevin, period.

  11. Hahahahaha!! Oh, good one Bravo, this was the Bizarro World episode of Top Chef, where everything was exactly the opposite of how it should be! I will tune in next week for the REAL winner.

  12. I’m honestly not that shocked that it was Michael. I rooted for Yukon from the beginning but I just had a bad feeling from the moment the ingredient box was revealed. Once he got Preeti, and Michael *didn’t* get Robin, I knew it was over for him.

    The judges LOVE people who are “adventurous” with their food. And on the spectrum of asshole Top Chef contestants, I did not hate him as much as The Wolverine from Season 2.

  13. After Hosea and now Michael, I swear I’m losing faith in this show…
    And poor Kevin totally got the shaft in sous chefs :-(
    Kevin and Fabio…you are my true top chefs!

  14. yup, something fishy happened last night and I am still major pissed about it.
    Yes blog the reunion, I hope someone spills their guts and lets us in on the conspiracy.
    damn dirtbags

  15. I think there are some hanging chads at the Top Chef judges table. Stupid Michael. Stupid Hosea. Stupid Ilan. I want recounts and now. AND I want this to be the end of molecular gastronomical “I puree mushrooms and then reform them into nauseatingly shiny faux mushrooms for the irony” nonsense. Ick.

    Kevin was robbed. Fabio and Carla were robbed.

  16. While I didn’t want Michael to win, I don’t think this is nearly as bad as Hosea, I mean it’s obvious Michael can cook, and he may be a jerk (or that may be editing) but in reality any of the three of those guys could have taken it and I wouldn’t have really called bullshit. Last year? Totally different story. Hosea was an ass, sure but I also just can’t believe he cooked better than Carla, Fabio or Stefan!!

  17. hi, everyone! thanks for hanging in with me all season. i will liveblog the reunion, although be prepared for what will basically be an hour-long screed about my hatred of andy cohen.

    the judges’ blogs are up at bravo.com, and you can read colicchio’s take on the final decision.

  18. Michelle,

    Hysterical. I was so disappointed that Michael won. So talented – but he was kind of a prick all season wasn’t he? Volt (Brian’s restaurant) is actually a restaurant close to DC so I hope to check it out. Andy Cohen annoys the shit out of me.

  19. michelle – I am a little obsessed with your recaps of top chef. I once tried to hop in for the live blog but realized that holding wine and my laptop was a recipe for disaster so I read them during my lunch break at work. I’m still saddened at the end of this season, but i guess in terms of creativity, michael was a shoo-in for the win when jenn fell apart. I still think she’s the most badass of all the chefs.

  20. Michael: “I don’t want Bryan to be Top Chef.” Everyone laughs because they think he is kidding. They don’t know.

    ———————->bahahahahahahaha!!

    thanks, michelle, for making me laugh out loud at work…i heart your blog like nobody’s business! genuus, i tell you. it is all that i’d dream of doing…if only i had the motivation ;)

    thank you, thank you, thank you!

    -jenn-

    ps. now what am i going to do with out anymore Top Chef Liveblogs to read up on at work..? That’s my favorite part!

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