Yes, it’s still on. On like Donkey Kong. Vacation be damned.
I could post the barbecue porn but no, the people demand the Top Cheffery.
LAST WEEK: Some shit went down. AMERICA LOVES THE TROOPS. Preeti got the boot.
THIS WEEK: I am writing sitting in a room with Brian, my sister, my niece, her boyfriend and two basset hounds. They can howl. So, you know, you’re warned. No guarantees for tonight.
10:01: Shockingly, Weed doesn’t think he should have been at the bottom. My sister, right off the top: “I don’t like him.”
Testify, sister. No, literally. Testify; he’s an asshole.
10:02: Daniel Boulud! Not Jonah Hill says he is a “bad ass motherfucker.” I’m sure Daniel would refer to himself the same way.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Snails. The French love them and the Americans don’t, which means they are a superior food source. Daniel wants “to taste something he’s never tasted before.” Come on now, Daniel – they’re still going to be snails.
A TWEEST! The loser of the quickfire goes home. Everyone in the room, although they already knew this was going: “Oooooh!”
10:05: Someone needs a blender. That makes me nervous, in conjunction with snails.
Hector: “Something something something snails something.”
Neckerchief seems confident. Because if you habitually wear a neckerchief, it stands to reason that you should be able to cook escargot.
10:07: I understood almost 85% of what Haitian Boat Guy said! Progress!
Shiv’s dish looks good, as always. Jesse made an “ELT.” Just, no. Hector: “Something something something snails something.”
10:08: Beardie’s got a fricasee with candied bacon jam. Which, okay, is slightly 7 or 8 minutes ago, but still, bacon.
Seeing the brothers standing next to each other does not help me distinguish them in any way, nor does hearing them speak.
10:09: Top 3: Shiv, Beardie and motherfucking Weed. Beardie takes it! Proving again the culinary idiom that he who uses the most bacon wins.
Bottom 3: Jesse, Hairbrush, and Robyn, who I’d totally forgotten. They each get a death match amuse bouche to try and save themselves. FINAL DEATH AMUSE! GO! 20 minutes.
10:12: Frankly, I don’t think any of these women are long for the competition, so I don’t really care who gets the boot.
Jesse’s amuse requires a spoon and multiple bites. Isn’t that contrary to the spirit of the amuse? It’s a mark of how interested I am that I actually took the time to look up at the screen and do this.
10:13: Colicchio is being strangely complimentary to everyone, which means he’s about to rip someone’s throat out. Normally a multi-bite amuse is reason enough for a thorough scourging.
Consensus in the room, including the basset hounds: send Jesse home.
Also: my family is yakky. I mean that in a loving way, family.
10:17: Commercials: People actually care about Rachal Zoe. I find this very difficult to believe.
10:18: KNIFED: JESSE. She cries, huh. Like, A lot. What she wants people to know: “I don’t suck this bad.” Really? Because this would suggest that you do.
10:20: ELIMINATION: Drawing knives. Every knife has a famous French sauce or dish. Weed doesn’t know what half of them are: one more reason I want to smack him upside the head. With something sharp.
They’re cooking for famous French chefs. No joke French chefs: Hubert. Jean-Georges. Daniel. I’m shitting my pants, and I’m just blogging.
Beardie doesn’t have to do the challenge, he gets to eat with the judges! Awesome prize. You know he’s going to have to try and hold himself back from hugging them all, you know it.
10:22: Shiv is working with one brother, Weed with the other. Everyone else is in other pairs that I totally missed because I was too busy being happy for Beardie.
Quick poll: Do you say it SHAllots or shaLLOTS? Just asking. Because the first way is so very obviously correct.
10:24: Robyn and Haitian Boat Guy are getting the tinkly music of impending failure.
Brian, re: Haitian Boat Guy: “Does he have a prime rib in his mouth when he’s talking?”
Further consensus in the room: The basset hounds would sound like Haitian Boat Guy if they could talk.
10:25: Wait, did Weed just say he thinks he’s a top guy? Yeah, and I’m a size 2 and have a best-selling cookbook.
Shiv is hacking up at least 3 pounds of butter, so you KNOW we are seeing some French cooking.
10:27: Weed, who doesn’t know what a Bearnaise really is, wants to ‘deconstruct’ it. Which he does, after someone else tells him how to do it. Sure, Weed, you’re totally one of the top contestants here.
There is a LOT of Haitian Boat Guy in this episode and I am having PROBLEMS. I am also having problems with his partner, who has 10,000 ideas, 9,999 of which are awful, and WILL NOT STOP TALKING.
10:31: Hey, where’s Padma at? Not that I’m complaining.
10:33: POINTLESS INTERLUDE: Neckerchief’s turning 29, and I’m afraid we’re about to watch him drown, drunk, in the hotel pool. Happy birthday!
They’re tacking on another 15 minutes, aren’t they. AREN’T THEY. Webers, Levines, Raskins and Gibbses who are currently watching here are NOT happy campers.
10:36: Beardie’s rocking the “hipster wearing tight tee over gut” “trend.” Cute.
10:37: Not Jonah Hill is look forward to seeing Joel Robuchon because he was of the opinion that “he doesn’t really exist and might be a unicorn.” There is a reason you are NOT Jonah Hill.
Other people are you are not: Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd, John Cleese or home to the resurrected spirit of George Carlin.
10:40: Weed is dropping “Bro”s and “Bra”s like an Amazing Race contestant drops the “Baby”s.
Mousey is concerned about overcooking her lobster and about overcoming her nerves. I’m concerned that she didn’t plug in last night and her batteries don’t have enough charge to get her through the episode.
Hairbrush feels like horking. I get it, even while I would totally crack up if it really happened.
10:41: Shiv and Brother I are in total culinary Zen mode. They are one with each other. They are one with the food. They are one with the ether. They are freaking me out a little.
Hector: “Something something something steak something something rare something.”
10:42: Beardie is so nervous it’s adorable, and he totally picked out that lavendar tie to set off his red beard.
Another quiz: How many people thought – and possibly still think – that Beardie is gay?
10:46: Padma is here, drat. She’s really just dragging everyone down and then you DID NOT just pronounce JOEL incorrectly. But you did, because you’re Padma. You know who I wish was here? Gael Greene with a GIANT FRENCH HAT.
There’s a translator for Robuchon. Will their be a translator for Haitian Boat Guy?
10:48: I’m tired of fennel pollen the way I’m starting to get tired of bacon.
They like Weed and Brother II’s dish. Robuchon loves it.
Dammit. Weed lives to irritate another week.
10:49: Not Jonah Hill and Mousey come out with the lobster…which is overcooked, as she feared.
Hubert is disappointingly quiet. I loves me some Hubert.
10:52: Neckerchief totally sucks up by speaking French. Unfortunately, no one likes their dish, and there is a strike AGAINST bacon. MY MIND IS BLOWN.
Shiv and Brother I’s rabbit looks totally killer.
10:55: SuperSizeMe is sending out some under-sauced plates. Is it just me, or did they get the easiest combo of protein/sauce by far?
“2 minutes of untranslated French courtesy of Bravo.”
Everyone thinks this is the best season of Top Chef ever, just like everyone thinks every season. Joel is very jolly, and I’m worried for a minute that this is going to turn into a Master’s-style hug-fest.
But then, if you’ve been nominated master genius chef of the known world and everything beyond, you’d be jolly too.
10:58: There is a basset hound sleeping on my right foot. Basset hound heads are heavy.
10:59: If I can cook like a Top Chef with the Top Chef cookbook, is there a special product that will turn me into a raging asswipe like Ilan Hall?
11:01: The Top: Shiv, the brothers and Weed. Can we just kick out everyone else already, pit Shiv against the brothers and call it a season?
Colicchio reports: “Comments included ‘This is very professional food.’” Really? That’s the best you can give the winners? “We feel that you are qualified to cook food. Well done.”
11:02: Chance that Shiv and Brother I will start making out in front of the judge’s table: 95%.
WINNER: Brother II. Brother I? Is eating some sour grapes from the look on his face. Possibly sour, poisonous grapes.
11:04: The bottom: Neckerchief, Hairbrush, Hector and SuperSizeMe.
Neckerchief throws Hairbrush under the bus in a most appallingly blatant way. You know it’s bad because I HATE the phrase “throw under the bus.” Luckily there’s some kickback, so he gets covered in guts as well.
11:05: Hector fucked up the beef. The end.
11:08: Daniel Boulud just made the most French, dismissive noise ever. I wish there were a way I could re-create it for you, or that I might one day be able to make it myself. [fingers crossed] It really was a stunning denial of a person’s entire body of work.
11:09: The room is divided between Hector and Hairbrush. The basset hounds would like a Beggin’ Strip.
11:11: Commercials: Those car commercials with all the people dressed as the sky/sun/flowers/earth/etc make me feel like I’m tripping on Sominex. (I say this from experience.)
11:13: THE KNIFING: Hector.
The room is sad that Hairbrush is staying. Don’t worry, room. She’ll be gone soon enough.
11:14: Hector: “Something something cooking cooking cooking something something.”
NEXT WEEK: They drop the chefs off in the middle of the desert to see who will eat who first.
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