Who have I become?

Message I just left on the half-and-half carton I share with two other co-workers:

Next time you wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys gone and “Call 911” scrawled on the wall, ask yourself: ‘How much half-and-half did I drink this week?’

Hey, I’m from Jersey. I know rabbis.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Congratulations Judy, of No Fear Entertaining! Your red wine-braised short ribs have taken the day. There is no way to adequately describe my love of a well-braised short rib other than “junkie.”

Everyone, bow your heads and pretend to be serious as you celebrate her victory.

Know, however, that this was not an easy choice. There were lots of strong entries (pot pies, mac and cheese, grits casseroles), although to be forthright with you, there were also more than a few that made me sigh. (Not in a good way.) You are trying to WIN here, people. The canned cream soups, they may win for you – congratulations – but they do not win here.

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Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode Something or Other

Fine; it’s episode nine. Happy?

This week, Chefs Bayless, Lo, Chiarello and Keller take a field trip to Best Friends Forever State Park, where they go on a nature walk, learn to make hand-dipped wax candles and eat s’mores around a campfire while having a sing-a-long. Bayless plays the harmonica. Unfortunatley, the night takes a sad turn when no one wants to share a tent with Chiarello. (He’s a wetter.)

Okay, maybe not. But if the last two weeks are any indication, that’s what it will seem like.

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Tight Ass Tuesday: I Didn't Need These Lips Anyway

HEY YOU! Have you entered the Jamie Oliver giveaway yet?

I wussed out on my own event last week, because I wasn’t sufficiently Abilified. I’m now partway through the introductory phase of Abilification and that, coupled with tranqs – I’m not an addict but goddamn, Valium is some good shit – means feeling good enough to take on these black bean and vidalia quesadillas with green SALSA DE LA MUERTE.

Thank god I like milk. Do you think this salsa is a joke? Because IT IS NOT and it will cut you. No, really. It’s like a laser, it’ll slice right through your palate like a plastic knife through cream cheese that you accidentally left on the counter for six hours.

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