Tight Ass Tuesday: I Didn't Need These Lips Anyway

HEY YOU! Have you entered the Jamie Oliver giveaway yet?

I wussed out on my own event last week, because I wasn’t sufficiently Abilified. I’m now partway through the introductory phase of Abilification and that, coupled with tranqs – I’m not an addict but goddamn, Valium is some good shit – means feeling good enough to take on these black bean and vidalia quesadillas with green SALSA DE LA MUERTE.

Thank god I like milk. Do you think this salsa is a joke? Because IT IS NOT and it will cut you. No, really. It’s like a laser, it’ll slice right through your palate like a plastic knife through cream cheese that you accidentally left on the counter for six hours.

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Comfort Me and Get Up Close With Jamie Oliver

I’m not saying there’s no Smackdown tonight because of the So You Think You Can Dance finale and it’s true. It’s because of the Crazie, and the SYTYCD finale was just a perk. SYTYCD is my Klonopin and don’t you judge.

Instead, I bring you the opportunity to take advantage as I pay it forward. My winnings can become your winnings by way of your actions.

(By the way, you get an extra entry for correctly identifying the inspiration of that last sentence. Email me your answer so’s you don’t give it away.)

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Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 8

And then there were five:

- Art “I’m jolly, goddamit. JOLLY.” Smith
- Hubert “I’m so French, I’m practically fake” Keller
- Rick “No really, I went to Mexico for the food” Bayless
- Michael “If I had a nickel for every person who wanted to shove some NapaStyle up my ass I could buy the state of California” Chiarello

- Anita “The One Who’s Going to Win” Lo

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