An Actual Email I Just Had To Send At Work

Hello All,

I was in the kitchen a few moments ago getting a cup of coffee when I had two fruit flies FLY OUT OF THE TOASTER at me.

Looking around, I noticed some desiccating grapes, a mostly-eaten container of blueberries and a partially-eaten banana in various bowls on the counter. [Name Redacted] happened to come into the kitchen a moment later, and when I spoke to him about the need for a workable institutional fruit storage policy he immediately recognized the problem, ate the offending banana and deputized me to address our fruit-related issues.

When we allow fruit flies to infest our small kitchen appliances, the terrorists win.

The AC is off nights and weekends. It gets hot. Fruit is delicate. You don’t want your toast to taste like fried bug. Therefore:

  • Please, please don’t leave cut-open fruit on the counter. Put it in the fridge. Find a banana-share partner. If you are not hungry enough to eat an entire banana and are too physically incapacitated to put the leftovers in some tupperware in the fridge for future consumption, consider NOT EATING THE BANANA.
  • If you find half-eaten fruit on the counter and are hungry, eat it. It’s the cleanest solution for all involved. If you are not hungry, see if [name] is. He’s like a goat and will eat anything.
  • If you’re stirring sugar into your coffee and notice that the grapes in the bowl have started to physically meld with the ceramic, throw the grapes away.
  • If you’re stealing [name]’s and my half-and-half and see a plate of rotting fruit that someone has helpfully tried to ‘hide’ in the refrigerator, please throw the fruit away.

If you have any questions or concerns, I don’t care. Put your damn fruit away.

Thank you.

If this or anything like this happens to you, feel free to adapt this email for personal use.

13 thoughts on “An Actual Email I Just Had To Send At Work

  1. Oh sweetie. So young and so hopeful.

    I’ve sent this e-mail. I’ve posted signs over the sugar and creamer that had been found full of mouse shit because people were too delicate to replace the fuckin’ lids on the fuckin’ bowls. I’ve cleaned out the fridge (with the help of the other person who hates a smelly kitchen) umpteen times.

    Nevertheless, the disgusting crap remains.

    People are pigs.

    If you don’t watch out, you will find yourself appointed to the position of kitchen monitor, and that is NOT a road you want to explore. Trust me.

  2. laura, i believe a co-worker has already submitted it.

    BHL, we already have a kitchen monitor, and i have no intention of trying to assume his duties. i’ve said my piece. there are 10 people in this office. i am not the banana police.

    also, 9 of the 10 thought this was hilarious. i assume that #10 is the banana-leaver. or else someone is overcompensating.

  3. hahaha i was going to say that you have some balls to send that out to the entire office. BUT, since there are only 10 people, then yes, everyone needs to read that.

    oh, and for some reason, “Find a banana-share partner” almost had me spitting my drink on my laptop.

  4. Oh Michelle, may I please forward this to my colleagues at work? Not that I haven´t told them all that before, but just as BHL said – most people seem to be pigs as soon as it´s not THEIR kitchen they are messing up… you know what I like to do? Throw away all the rotten crap and write another eMail, saying “You miss it? You´re SICK.” ;)

  5. A fine example of what I don’t miss about working in an office: people leaving half-eaten crap lying around for someone else to clean up. (Or maybe they’re trying to breed fruit flies for some mad experiment?)

  6. Ah yes, the nastiness of other people! I’ve had to clean out a mini fridge full of rotten food at work before because it smelled like @ss everytime the door was opened. People just kepted complaining about the smell but did nothing about it. I don’t use the fridge, yet somehow I felt compelled to clean it out to quickly solve the problem.
    Some people are just simply NASTY!

  7. I am the cleaner of fridges and kitchens at my work. I have written this email in my mind a few times. See also: dripping coffee all over the counter and not wiping it up; descending en masse on any free baked goods in the kitchen and leaving the place looking like Attila the Hun just passed through; and the guy who leaves a spoon out on a folded paper towel every damn day. I think it’s for stirring his coffee, but why can’t he keep it at his desk?

  8. our office is good about the kitchen, thankfully. what drives me BONKERS are the puddles people leave around the sink after washing their hands in the bathroom. there are 6 of us using the bathroom, so it’s not like masses of people are going in and out all day. and it’s got one sink and one counter. there’s NO WAY you don’t see that giant puddle on the edge, dripping onto the floor.

    thanks, i feel better.

  9. See, normally passive-aggressive things like starting a sentence with “If you’re stealing [name]’s and my half-and-half…” when the main point of the sentence has nothing to do with half-and-half really make me mad, but for some reason I just find it charming when it’s coming from you, Michelle. Maybe because I’m used to taking verbal abuse from you, or maybe because the letter is, for the most part, aggressive-aggressive.

    What I really mean to say is, I think I’m in love.

  10. jasmin, feel free.

    mary, they’ve just started issuing them again, tho mainly for birthdays and special occassions. i got many laudatory comments for this, but no certificate.

    lauren, camille and sara, i’m glad i could provide space for you to vent.

    dave, it’s because of the glitter and rainbows shooting out of my ass. you can’t hate me.

    everyone, you should know that we’re all friends in the office. i’m not actually a heinous person, and this email was sent in a spirit of goodwill. which unfortunately means it won’t work, but at least i had fun.

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