Monday: Awesomeness Sorely Needed

I said I would give it 24 hours and it’s been 24 hours so I can say it: It’s amazing just how much shit by volume the human neck can hold. And that’s all I’ll say about that, other than sorry about not being as active in the comments as usual.

Below the jump is some awesome shit, the opposite from the kind of shit currently filling what was once a functional esophagus. Whatever, I didn’t really like using those vocal cords anyway.


You work in an office.* I work in an office.

You like sandwiches. I like sandwiches.

You’ve had your sandwiches occasionally stolen by the office bad apple who’s the reason you don’t keep better snacks at work and have to rely on raisins in your desk. You don’t know what to do about this other than resorting to passive-aggressive notes.

I don’t have sandwiches stolen because my office is so small that I would literally be able to sniff out the thief. But if it were to happen, I would be equipped to deal with it without abusing the office printer or raiding the supply of Post-Its: With sandwich bags that make your food look moldy.  Note helpful illustrations for a demonstration.

Sure, it might put you off your lunch; but if that’s the case,  others are definitely off it as well.

Wooden Vikings: They have no inherent relationship to the kitchen, other than I want them for my kitchen table. (People with smaller/no dogs might opt for the coffee table).

They’re fucking cute. And I could use some cute.  If I had them, I could use their little spears to help dig a tunnel through the shit in my throat so I could at least drink some Ensure and keep from wasting away.

(I would never defile adorable wooden vikings in that way, but I had to get one more jab in.)

(Also: MOTHERFUCKER. Sorry, had to get that out too.)

Assist in the shitneck-clearing process: What is the one cute/awesome/wildly overpriced kitchen item you’re currently coveting?**

*Do you not? How have you managed this?

**Totally using ‘shitneck’ as my new favorite insult.

ONE YEAR AGO: Thursday Night Smackdown: I’d Hit That

22 thoughts on “Monday: Awesomeness Sorely Needed

  1. Those bags would still cause you to risk losing your food at my office – I clean out the fridges regularly and those bad sallies would get chucked.

    Anyway, it’s a poor food thief who steals someone’s WHOLE lunch. The right idea (as far as stealing goes, anyway) is to steal amounts that can’t be noticed. A few of someone’s grapes, for instance, would be ideal. Who takes a whole sandwich?

  2. To Camille: “Who takes a whole sandwich?” Come by my office for a couple of days and see if what you leave in the frig is still there for your personal use. Apparently, the unwritten rule in my office is that, since the frig is in the employee breakroom, it’s communal as are its contents.

    For some ungodly reason, I want a Cherry Chomper. It’s cute (I love anamorphic kitchen items), totally overpriced for what it actually is (cheap plastic), and absolutely nonessential. Hell, I don’t really even like cherries.

  3. I love those fucking Vikings. I want the stupid vegetable-shaped Le Creuset mini cocottes so badly. I’d make more personal cassoulets if I had them, I tells ya.

  4. Here – look! I’ve been meaning to send this to you!

    http://www.kok-design.jp/SHOP/DB-FM.html

    Per my friend Kim: “Awesome fruit-shaped post-it thingies. Never mind that they cost 1,890 yen (about $20 bucks each not including shipping from Japan)… I’m so worth it.”

    Are they not utterly fucking adorable?

  5. This isn’t cute, but I think it’s awesome, and I know it’s wildly overpriced: a chocolate tempering machine. They’re like 500-1000 bucks, and ugly as hell, but I HATE TEMPERING CHOCOLATE. By “hate,” I actually mean “am an utter failure at”. So if there’s a machine that can do it for me, so I can make Christmas truffles or cake decorations or, if I so desire, solid chocolate ducks to decorate my home, then SIGN MY ASS UP.

  6. I got what I desperately wanted for my birthday Friday, a combo pasta flattener (yeah I know that’s not proper terminology but whatever) and cutter. Next up, a kitchen big enough that my gadgets don’t have to live in the dining/living/laundry/bedroom spaces of my house. Oh, and a Hobart restaurant style dishwasher.

  7. A good, big food processor. It isn’t cute, but it would be awesome for me and I totally covet it, because I process A LOT of food, and my blender just doesn’t do the job sometimes.

    I hope your shitstorm clears soon.

  8. Fuzzy: What cracks ME up is that at $495 per decanter, they are SOLD OUT?????

    My kitchen wet-dream? A stand mixer with all the fancy attachments (including the meat grinder)….

    Always wanted one….Not cute, but wildly overpriced and awesome.

  9. A burr-style coffee grinder. An enamel-coated cast-iron Dutch oven, the big sucker, from Le Creuset, which I just will not plunk down $250 for. And a completely remodeled kitchen with a six-burner Viking range with a grill, and a Sub-Zero fridge, and enough cabinets to hold all my shit, and an awesome walk-in pantry.

    And a lemon zester. Mine seems to have grown feet and walked away, and I can never think to pick up another one.

    Hope the neck-shitting passes soon and your head gets reattached. The Vikings are cuter’n hell.

  10. I find this post perfectly in line with the celebration of the space program to the moon, for without NASA technology, how could human beings have ever envisioned something so simple and advanced as the fo’ moldy sandwich bag? And yet it reminds me: the Russians just used a pencil.

  11. similar to the above couple of commenters:

    a le creuset dutch oven, a kickass fo-pro, a magic box (bag?) full of baking pans of every conceivable shape and size (nice heavy ones), a set of stainless steel biscuit cutters that are scalloped on one side and smooth on the other (seriously, I have been looking for this forever. It must exist somewhere!)

    A stand mixer. A food mill. A fine mesh strainer. White dishes so nice that they glow. A cast iron skillet. A magical self-cleaning spice grinder so I don’t have to clean out my coffee grinder and risk cross contamination of my morning jolt (I like cumin, but not that much)

    Oh and a dishwasher.

    Is that everything? Well, ask me again in a few hours, I’m sure I’ll have thought of more.

  12. I don’t work in an office. In fact, not one single job I’ve ever had in my whole life has involved me working in an office.

    I want a real stove, with a badass hood over it. A whole new kitchen, really.

  13. Like so many of you, I require a new food processor. The one that I had shit the bed, which is fine with me because it had one of those impossible containers that took twenty minutes and as many f words to get connected right. I strongly desire the kitchen aid 12 cup martha stewart blue one from macy’s. Strong hints will be thrown at husband for the next few weeks for my birthday is in the beginning of September. Cross your fingers for me.

  14. My wish list:

    1) An awesome ice cream maker. This one would do nicely. http://tinyurl.com/msn646
    2) A Le Creuset cast-iron dutch oven (the big 13-quart mofo) & matching skillet, in Kiwi green. I like green.
    3) An Aga range. This one is so pretty. http://tinyurl.com/n5twkc
    4) Gas to run the Aga.
    5) A new kitchen to hold all this crap, ‘cos mine is already overloaded. Oh, and a new house with a gas line, since the arses who built my condo didn’t think of it, the unimaginative dickwads. Might as well dream big, unless someone knows the lottery numbers for this Friday’s Super 7…

    Hope you feel better soon, Michelle!

  15. Kaitlynsage- Friday was my birthday, too. :-) I got a new Cuisinart immersion blender. My old Braun exploded in a rather spectacular manner a couple of months ago and I’ve been slightly handicapped without it… It’s good to have my right hand back.

    Happy birthday!

  16. I’d definitely take a set of those wooden vikings. The cats would get them just about anywhere I put them. But, I don’t care.

    As for my wishlist:

    1) KitchenAid icecream maker. I already have a Cuisinart, but I just like the idea of the KitchenAid. I’d settle for an extra bowl for the Cuisinart.
    2) A bigger kitchen. 10×10 is nice — but I want a kitchen that lets me be social while I’m cooking. Preferably one with reasonable storage space. Pleez.
    3) A Vitamix. They do everything. And my blender sux.
    4) A meat grinder with sausage attachment. Cuz I can’t think of anything kewler than being able to make my own snausages!

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