May 2009 Cheap Ass Hobo Monday: The Roundup

Okay, so turnout was pretty crappy, which you gotta expect when the organizer herself wusses out on the event. And then one person completely neglected the whole “theme” thing – is there something about my readership that renders you congenitally unable to read rules? – meaning a full 20% actually weren’t participating at all.  So the maddest of props to the five of you who churned out some cheap-ass food, with slightly diminished props to the person who didn’t follow the rules

I mean, I let that one in, but with the full awareness that we’re totally going to talk about her behind her back.

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I can want awesome shit on a Friday

And because it’s a Friday, and I’m feeling magnanimous – meaning I hate people a FULL 25% LESS than I normally do – AND I’m feeling like, dare I say it, a sane person*, I bring you these MULTIPLE AWESOME THINGS, and only one of them is not actually awesome.  Go go Gadget run-on sentence!

*Aaaand I’ve totally jinxed myself. Go me!

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Liveblogging Hell's Kitchen: To The Bitter End

ETA: I have been informed by an eagle-eyed reader that tonight may merely be an episode that “leads up” to the finale and DEAR GOD WHY.  Have I put my immortal soul in jeopardy for nothing? GODDAMNIT.

Joy! Rapture! It’s the last episode!

Tonight, either a very dull woman or a redneck will win a position of nominal but not actual authority at the Borgata in Atlantic City.  The thrill!

And then, we hunker down and wait until Top Chef: Masters starts on June 10th.

I implore you: join me in the suffering.  It will be cleansing!  I promise!  Jesus suffered, and look what he got: a seat at the right hand of the fricking LORD.  AND he expiated your sins and you know what you’ve done, you degenerate, so THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO is keep me company.

Now look, it’s caused me to blaspheme. Goddamn this fucking show.  If I find out this is a 2-hour finale, HEADS WILL ROLL.

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Roundup kills weeds dead

Guestwriting for me is really a thankless job, I’m a taskmaster.  Thanks to all who stepped in to pinch hit, including those whose work didn’t make it up because I had to come back before I got too spoiled having people fight over posting on my behalf.  Let’s give all the brave souls a round of applause:

No Recipes: Wins my heart with smoked pork belly with lentils
cook eat FRET: She wants me to have awesome shit
Qui Si Mangia Bene: One killer reuben
Gild the Voodoolily: She’s pregnant and crazy
Fotocuisine: Two words: Thomas Keller
Unintended Byproducts: She gets drunk out of animal heads
Minimally Invasive: Vegan-snubbing pea ravioli
Pistols and Popcorn: Your guide to being hungover in Japan
Everybody Likes Sandwiches: Trust her, she’s beautiful
Culinary Sherpas: Cursing like syphillitic Marseillese sailors
Leena Eats this Blog: Killing us softly with masala

Take your bows!

Okay, show’s over now. EYES BACK ON ME, FUCKERS.

Danger, Will Robinson!

I see some incoming Hobo Monday links, but I’m not seeing the entries in my inbox.  If you haven’t sent it, get off your ass.  If you have, please make sure you send it to the right place: michelle at thursdaynightsmackdown dot com, not firstthursday at… (which is now defunct and under the aegis of Russian spammers).

If you were thinking of not participating, see above re: ass, getting off of.  I will graciously accept entries cooked on a day other than Monday; the pot shall not insult the kettle.

My Big Fat Indian Dinner

Leena Eats This Blog has the distinction of being the last guest poster before I start subjecting you to my writing again, with a restaurant review that makes me REALLY miss living in Chicago. Looking at her gorgeous pix helps me forget the heinous Adam Lambert performance that just happened on American Idol. Seriously, America? The overgrown emo theater nerd? Whatever: Indian food. Yum. Enjoy.

Plain Naan @ Bhabi's Kitchen

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Get Your French On, Bitches.

Say hi to the Culinary Sherpas! They really took full advantage of the Adult Language nature of TNS, and in fact are really quite blue, so we’ll have to add a Nudity warning as well. When you’re done, why not read the past batch of guest posts from other kick-ass bloggers,? (If you’re wondering why all the guests: go here.) And remember: Hobo Monday is STILL ON for the rest of you.  I’ll be back full-time on Thursday.

We’re supposed to say hi and tell who we are and all that so you know that it’s not really Michelle writing as an alter personality due to a super medicated brain, because who the fuck knows if Michelle is really Michelle or if she’s really a dude named Fawnd pretending to be a woman so that “she” can lure little boys into “her” West Virginia Hattfield-ish trailer*. This IS the blogosphere, people.

* I mean really, for all we know “Brian” is just one of “Michelle’s” alters, although I think having sex with ones self would be difficult. Nope, scratch that, I have the Jack Rabbit, too.

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Trust me, I'm beautiful.

Today: Please give a big TNS welcome to Everybody Likes Sandwiches, this year’s Bloggie winner for best Canadian blog. It’s rainy and bleak here, so this soup seems fitting (although, to be frank, this photo could have used a chive). When you’re done, why not read the week’s guest posts from some other kick-ass bloggers, if you haven’t already? Which you should have. (If you’re wondering why all the guests: go here.) And remember: Hobo Monday is STILL ON.

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The Kitchen Buffoon Speaks

No one really wants to read about Hell’s Kitchen. You do, however, want to read this, from Jodi at Pistols and Popcorn, the woman who defeated me in the Bloggies because she has a fat brother who rides a bike.  Also because she’s more interesting than me.  But mostly the fat-guy-on-bike thing. When you’re done, why not read the week’s guest posts from some other kick-ass bloggers, if you haven’t already? Which you should have. (If you’re wondering why all the guests: go here.)

Being a guest writer is a little intimidating.  No one is actually coming here to hear from me, yet here I am with all my words and you’re here anyway, so why don’t you just park your sweet candy ass down and spend a few minutes with me?  First, let me say that I’ve got nothing intelligible to say about cooking.  I am a buffoon in the kitchen.  Still, Thursday Night Smackdown is one of my favorite reads, so I’m going to try to do right by you group of rowdy food lovers.

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