thursday night smackdown

The fun had to come to an end sometime.  No more FABIO!!  No more Hootie-hoo.  On the plus side, no more Leah, no more Hosea, and no more dickweed Colicchio. Still, my Wednesdays will be empty.  So, two questions: Who wins fan favorite (cough)FABIO!!(cough)? And what next – are there any other cooking shows that don’t completely suck (cough)Chopped(cough) that we can rip?

In any case, we have one more beautiful night together.

As precursor:

1. I loathe Andy Cohen.  He uses valuable air I could be breathing.
2. I cannot spare 1/5 of a shit for whether Leah and Hosea are together, let alone an entire shit.

ALSO:  Winner of the Top Chef pool:  Burkie, by default – the ONLY PERSON to pick Hosea for the win.  Burkie, send the address where you’d like your book shipped to me at michelle at thursdaynightsmackdown dot com.

9:00: Stefan thinks he has a shot at fan favorite.  Because either (1) it is opposite day or (2) he is drunk.

9:02:  Let’s take a look at Hosea’s journey.  His long, boring, pointless journey.  Also, does Boulder count as a “small town”?  I aver that it does not.

9:03:  Can we not just confront the man-love between Hosea and Stefan?  I mean, this is the network that brought us Queer Eye.

Why didn’t Stefan win? Crappy dessert. And Stefan, momentarily, cannot stop from shooting Tom the Finnish Dagger Eyes while simultaneously claiming he’s happy he didn’t win.

9:05:  FABIO!! and Stefan were in love? What season were they watching?  Oh, I forgot: this show is produced by Andy Cohen.  Andy Cohen requires 100% DRAMA AT ALL TIMES.  Also, he never wants to be the gayest man in the room.

9:07: Andy: “Do you and Stefan hold hands when you walk down the street in Santa Monica?”  FABIO!!: “No, I use the leash.”

Ba-da-bing!  I’m FABIO!!

9:10:  Carla:  Yes, she is crazy.  Apparently she also sings, and has many of the inner monkeys that Dildo Jeff was unable to conquer.  Thank god for the spirit Xanax.

“Do you think you got to the finale because of your positive spirit?”  No, Andy Cohen, she made it because she COOKED FUCKING GOOD FOOD.  Jacques Pepin loves you.  Ergo, you can fucking cook.

9:13:  Wait, people think Goomba Johnny can win fan favorite?  It’s sweet, how nice they’re trying to be.

I am not so nice: Dream on.

Will also not win: Jamie, because she kind of turned into a twat.  Melissa, because no one could ever remember who she was in the first place. How do I remember her now? It’s a mystery.

9:16:  Montage: Dildo Jeff.  See: Creative Monkeys, unable to quiet.

9:17:  This show needs less montages and more drunken confrontations.  Remember when that crazy British lady spilled her wine all over the floor during the Project Runway reunion and stormed out?  Or when Stephan was wasted during his season’s Top Chef finale and tearfully apologized to the culinary student who’d called him a douche?  THIS is what I want.

9:20:  Tom saved a woman’s life with the heimlich.  It has nothing to do with Top Chef and everything to do with not making him look like a dick.

It’s not working.

9:22: Hey, it’s that Jewfro guy!  I’d forgotten about him.  Add him to the list of people who will not win fan favorite.

Toby Young is the poor man’s Anthony Bourdain.  And I can’t stand Anthony Bourdain, so you can imagine how I now feel about Toby Young.  That is, I never want to have to think about him ever again.

9:23:  I’m bored.  But you’re not, calm down with the comments, people!  Oh wait, that’s right: you don’t give a shit either.

9:26:  Lauren and Patrick: more people I don’t remember who will not win.

AAAND Leah and Hosea montage.

I am checking out.  I assume this will take what, 2 or 3 minutes?  So I’ll be back then.

9:30:  How much does Tom hate Andy Cohen?  I bet a lot.

Also: Still bored.  Really, do they not let them have a cocktail hour first?

Best part so far: Commercial featuring Alec Baldwin.

9:34: STILL TALKING ABOUT LEAH AND HOSEA.  My brain is actually turning to mush as commercial-Alec Baldwin predicted.

You can make a wide variety of ad-hoc sporting equipment out of GladWare.  Because GladWare was a sponsor of the show.  Did you know?  I know, it was pretty subtle.

See, they’re wasted in the clip package!  Be wasted now!

9:37:  There was a Jill?  Seriously?  She’s also not winning.

9:41:  Jamie would kill herself with alcohol poisoning before having sex with Stefan.  She’s only 30% kidding.  Stefan respects her as a cook and likes her rack…of lamb!

Oh, Stefan.  You are no FABIO!!

“She’s got huge…tracts of land.”  Bonus points for IDing that.

9:45:  This Ariane Cougar shit still pisses me off, as does the fact that she likes it. SHE’S ONLY 41, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

9:46:  The food at Gail’s wedding was done by Daniel Boulud.

Bitch.

9:48:  Am I still bored?  Yes.

9:51:  Tribute to…bald guys.  Seriously?

Andy: “There can be only one bald god of top chef.”  And I’m so bored that I can’t even make a Highlander joke.  And I LOVE making Highlander jokes.

9:55:  Fan Favorite:  People actually campaigned for this?  Seriously?  Sigh.

Winner: FABIO!! That’s my boy!  This is the only montage I have cared about all night!  Why couldn’t that one be longer?  He’s working on bringing his mamma over, because he is a good boy.

Hosea’s dad is buying the farm.  Way to end the show on an up note, Bravo.

9:59: Mercifully, it ends. (This terrible episode, not the whole season.  Although this season did suck at least 50% of the time.)

FIN