Liveblogging Top Chef: (Hopefully) Drunken Reunion

The fun had to come to an end sometime.  No more FABIO!!  No more Hootie-hoo.  On the plus side, no more Leah, no more Hosea, and no more dickweed Colicchio. Still, my Wednesdays will be empty.  So, two questions: Who wins fan favorite (cough)FABIO!!(cough)? And what next – are there any other cooking shows that don’t completely suck (cough)Chopped(cough) that we can rip?

In any case, we have one more beautiful night together.

As precursor:

  1. I loathe Andy Cohen.  He uses valuable air I could be breathing.
  2. I cannot spare 1/5 of a shit for whether Leah and Hosea are together, let alone an entire shit.

ALSO:  Winner of the Top Chef pool:  Burkie, by default – the ONLY PERSON to pick Hosea for the win.  Burkie, send the address where you’d like your book shipped to me at michelle at thursdaynightsmackdown dot com.

9:00: Stefan thinks he has a shot at fan favorite.  Because either (1) it is opposite day or (2) he is drunk.

9:02:  Let’s take a look at Hosea’s journey.  His long, boring, pointless journey.  Also, does Boulder count as a “small town”?  I aver that it does not.

9:03:  Can we not just confront the man-love between Hosea and Stefan?  I mean, this is the network that brought us Queer Eye.

Why didn’t Stefan win? Crappy dessert. And Stefan, momentarily, cannot stop from shooting Tom the Finnish Dagger Eyes while simultaneously claiming he’s happy he didn’t win.

9:05:  FABIO!! and Stefan were in love? What season were they watching?  Oh, I forgot: this show is produced by Andy Cohen.  Andy Cohen requires 100% DRAMA AT ALL TIMES.  Also, he never wants to be the gayest man in the room.

9:07: Andy: “Do you and Stefan hold hands when you walk down the street in Santa Monica?”  FABIO!!: “No, I use the leash.”

Ba-da-bing!  I’m FABIO!!

9:10:  Carla:  Yes, she is crazy.  Apparently she also sings, and has many of the inner monkeys that Dildo Jeff was unable to conquer.  Thank god for the spirit Xanax.

“Do you think you got to the finale because of your positive spirit?”  No, Andy Cohen, she made it because she COOKED FUCKING GOOD FOOD.  Jacques Pepin loves you.  Ergo, you can fucking cook.

9:13:  Wait, people think Goomba Johnny can win fan favorite?  It’s sweet, how nice they’re trying to be.

I am not so nice: Dream on.

Will also not win: Jamie, because she kind of turned into a twat.  Melissa, because no one could ever remember who she was in the first place. How do I remember her now? It’s a mystery.

9:16:  Montage: Dildo Jeff.  See: Creative Monkeys, unable to quiet.

9:17:  This show needs less montages and more drunken confrontations.  Remember when that crazy British lady spilled her wine all over the floor during the Project Runway reunion and stormed out?  Or when Stephan was wasted during his season’s Top Chef finale and tearfully apologized to the culinary student who’d called him a douche?  THIS is what I want.

9:20:  Tom saved a woman’s life with the heimlich.  It has nothing to do with Top Chef and everything to do with not making him look like a dick.

It’s not working.

9:22: Hey, it’s that Jewfro guy!  I’d forgotten about him.  Add him to the list of people who will not win fan favorite.

Toby Young is the poor man’s Anthony Bourdain.  And I can’t stand Anthony Bourdain, so you can imagine how I now feel about Toby Young.  That is, I never want to have to think about him ever again.

9:23:  I’m bored.  But you’re not, calm down with the comments, people!  Oh wait, that’s right: you don’t give a shit either.

9:26:  Lauren and Patrick: more people I don’t remember who will not win.

AAAND Leah and Hosea montage.

I am checking out.  I assume this will take what, 2 or 3 minutes?  So I’ll be back then.

9:30:  How much does Tom hate Andy Cohen?  I bet a lot.

Also: Still bored.  Really, do they not let them have a cocktail hour first?

Best part so far: Commercial featuring Alec Baldwin.

9:34: STILL TALKING ABOUT LEAH AND HOSEA.  My brain is actually turning to mush as commercial-Alec Baldwin predicted.

You can make a wide variety of ad-hoc sporting equipment out of GladWare.  Because GladWare was a sponsor of the show.  Did you know?  I know, it was pretty subtle.

See, they’re wasted in the clip package!  Be wasted now!

9:37:  There was a Jill?  Seriously?  She’s also not winning.

9:41:  Jamie would kill herself with alcohol poisoning before having sex with Stefan.  She’s only 30% kidding.  Stefan respects her as a cook and likes her rack…of lamb!

Oh, Stefan.  You are no FABIO!!

“She’s got huge…tracts of land.”  Bonus points for IDing that.

9:45:  This Ariane Cougar shit still pisses me off, as does the fact that she likes it. SHE’S ONLY 41, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

9:46:  The food at Gail’s wedding was done by Daniel Boulud.


9:48:  Am I still bored?  Yes.

9:51:  Tribute to…bald guys.  Seriously?

Andy: “There can be only one bald god of top chef.”  And I’m so bored that I can’t even make a Highlander joke.  And I LOVE making Highlander jokes.

9:55Fan Favorite:  People actually campaigned for this?  Seriously?  Sigh.

Winner: FABIO!! That’s my boy!  This is the only montage I have cared about all night!  Why couldn’t that one be longer?  He’s working on bringing his mamma over, because he is a good boy.

Hosea’s dad is buying the farm.  Way to end the show on an up note, Bravo.

9:59: Mercifully, it ends. (This terrible episode, not the whole season.  Although this season did suck at least 50% of the time.)


0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: (Hopefully) Drunken Reunion

  1. Fabio or Carla, but my vote goes to FABIO!!, no surprise there.

    Regarding Chopped; anyone that can make Gordon Ramsey cry is worth a look.

    And if Leah puts on her pouty face tonight I might have to eject the contents of my stomach.

  2. kerry, i think you’re thinking of a different show. chopped is the crappy new food network competition show with the food guy from queer eye.

    i was thinking about that other show, and i can’t for the life of me remember the name of it.

  3. Yeah, that was boring — way too much Hosea and Leah and not enough drunkenness, yelling, or confrontation. Did anyone on this season really hate each other?

  4. I think Chopping Block is the name of that new show.

    I was bugged by all the gay/Team Rainbow comments. We GET it. A few of you are GAY. Sheesh. Stefan is GLAD he didn’t win? Yeah, right. He still looked like he didn’t believe it. Whatev. I am also happy that FABIO! grew his hair out.

  5. burkie won?! that putz has never watched the show! he wouldn’t know FABIO!! from, well, somebody named simply fabio. it doesn’t seem right….he only picked hosea because nobody else and figured that was his only chance of winning. that strategy never works at the track, i’ve found…but that book looks seriously nice….splatter-resistent? yeah, baby :)

  6. 1. You said ‘ergo’.
    2. It’s from ‘Search for the Holy Grail’ and is probably one of my favorite movie moments. Ever. “But Father. I want to sing…”

    I really hate Hell’s Kitchen, but maybe make fun of that? How about ‘The Next Food Network Star’ in late spring? Maybe do a ‘MST3K’ treatment to one of those?

  7. I’m holding out some hope for “The Chopping Block” based on this excerpt from the web site:
    Marco Pierre White is the star of the upcoming cooking competition series on NBC titled “The Chopping Block,” featuring two teams of four couples running neighboring restaurants in Manhattan, with one couple being removed each week based on the White’s decision.
    THE WHITE’S DECISION? I pray that is not a typo, because if the editor monkeys have a sense of humor it could be awesome. Plus I think he has decades of Ramsay resentment that he’s dying to let out.

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