We regretfully inform you…

…that Cheap Ass Monday is canceled tonight.

Mostly, I write about food here. Sometimes, I write about how I’m doing, although it’s usually in the context of food. Right now, it’s all I can do to write about how I’m doing, food or no food. Actually, right now it’s about all I can do to keep from crawling under my desk and hoping no one notices.

I’m glad the bacon cake had its desired effect of blowing all of your fucking minds. I’m sorry I can’t bring you something equally earth-shattering tonight, because the truth is that I am not doing well. Not well at all. Whatever form of bipolarity this is, it is a vicious uncontrollable beast. One medication causes my lady parts to stop working. Another medication worsens the symptoms it’s supposed to be helping, although this is somehow “not abnormal” and I should just “get through it” until the magical switch flips and the rainbows start to fly out of my ass. I CAN’T WAIT because I have been “getting through” this round for 11 weeks now. If anything, the rainbows are burrowing into my ass, causing occasional nausea along with everything else.


It is only through the assistance of tranquilizers that I make it through the day and even they don’t make things normal, they just enable me to fool others into thinking I am a normal human being. And you know what all of this is? It’s fucking TIRING.

SO. There will be no food tonight, because this blog should be fun and not a source of added stress because OH MY GOD I HAVE TO BE FUNNY. There will be food later this week. There will be Top Chef.* But there will not be anything tonight, because I need to do anything I can to take a fucking break before my head actually explodes. Which would not be pretty because I don’t know if there’s even any gray matter left in there, just pathetic deformed neurons firing neurotransmitters aimlessly and uselessly into the ether.

*FABIO! is my Facebook friend now, so TAKE THAT.

43 thoughts on “We regretfully inform you…

  1. Sometimes, I not only crawl under my desk, I make a fort there and take a nap. I highly recommend it. Especially if you have a Do Not Disturb button on your phone.

  2. You do what you gotta do to get those rainbows coming out instead of going in, and we’ll be right here………..in a Maple Bacon Cake coma.

  3. Don’t worry about us – take care of yourself. And may I suggest multiple episodes of Family Guy. Hilarious sarcasm at it’s best.

  4. how odd – i find myself far more concerned with your well being than most of those in my inner circle. so, that either speaks volumes for your ability to touch complete strangers OR is an indication that my inner circle needs improvement. gonna have to chew on some bacon toffee while i think about that – best wishes for a more tolerable existence SOON!

  5. Just so you know what an influence you are on me, I went and got Charlie Palmer’s cookbook (haven’t bought one in years because I have a couple hundred). It rocks! So simple, so great. So, despite your feeling shitty, please know that you have a great blog and are a fantastically funny person. Spring is coming and everything, I think, will be better when those tulips and daffodils start showing their pretty little heads.

  6. Delurking–we are all right here with you, not going anywhere, and will be here when your joy returns. Wondering where all this love came from? Simply, you created it. Take care of yourself. Peace.

  7. Bless your heart. Not much I can do….but I’ll air freight you Rendezvous ribs from Memphis, if you think they’ll help matters any. Cheering for ya.

  8. Who needs meds with Fabio as your friend? (Okay, maybe if he was there in the flesh.) Get better. We need your bitterness and overall hilarity Wednesday. :)

  9. You feed us when we are hungry.
    We would never begrudge you a night off. Or as many as you need, really.
    Because we love you like that.
    Lots of people out here are wishing you well, however you may get there, in your own time.

  10. Take care of YOURSELF; that’s most important. I’ll see you for Top Chef because I cannot wait! I won’t even get into how jealous I am about your friendship with FABIO! I’m sure his broken English status updates will help you get through this.

  11. please don’t even stress about the blog! i mean, we love the blog, it is great, but we’ll just sit out here and wait patiently until you’re up to it, ok? i really hope you’re on the happier side of all of this soon.

  12. I am so sorry. I’ve totally been there. Yay for wacked out seratonin buddies! I am unmedicated. I couldn’t take it any more. I just am extrodinarily lucky I have a partner who can deal, and well, my kids, the one thats old enough to understand at least, knows why i am how I am.
    I started fueging on all meds, and couldn’t trust myself to take care of the kids, so i quit.
    I know myself, and no matter how deep I go, i can throw together a pbj for the little ones, and sit on the couch while they watch a movie till the daddy gets home.
    On the upside, I’ve been frakkin manic for 4 days, and my house is spotless. I know it will end, and I will want to join you under the desk, but I expect it, and somehow, it isn’t too bad.
    Take your time. All I know is you have to know you can. It doesn’t matter what, just, “you can.”
    (and i also know, thinking that to myself didn’t sound as cheesy before the obama campaign.)

  13. Take all the time you need, and I hope the rainbows start coming out the right way for you. I’ve done the medication dance too many times, and I’m unmedicated right now because of all the side effects.

  14. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I know exactly what it’s like to just lie in a ball and want to give up. Keep on fighting. And don’t be afraid to tell your docs that the meds aren’t working. It doesn’t have to be that bad. We all love you and are thinking about you.

  15. There are times when you just can’t do funny. Take care of yourself and don’t feel like you need to fake it for us. We like you just the way you are.

  16. Would you like to know what my husband and I ate for our Cheap-Ass Monday last night? Pinto beans and cornbread. It is a cheap-ass and remarkably tasty meal indigenous to my home region of the Southern Appalachians. When I told my mom what we had for dinner, she proceeded to recount an article she had read years ago, about the aftermath of a deadly flood in the region. Apparently, the forensics people were able to determine that a group of the dead must have been related, since their stomach contents were all the same: pinto beans and cornbread.
    Now I, like my mother before me, will never be able to enjoy this meal again, without thinking of drowned hillbillies.

  17. Michelle- I really hope you feel better soon. You rock. Take care of yourself.

    And other Emily- I will never think of corn bread and beans again without also thinking about dead hillbillies. :-0

  18. you are all sweeter than bacon-maple cake.

    i feel the virtual love. thanks, everyone, for taking the time to read, for taking the time to comment, for taking the time to care about a stranger. if i knew where you all lived and had 100 pounds of butter, sugar and bacon, i’d make you all bacon toffee (when i was feeling up to it. tonight, maybe not so much).

    in the meantime, i WILL be here wednesday at 10pm EST come hell or high water.

  19. Hope you feel better soon. Just post a pic of a Mickey D’s Happy Meal and call it good! :-)

    Do you have Billy Ray Cyrus as your friend too?? Mullets are so hot, but not as hot as Fabio!

  20. Another lurker…Your blog always brightens my day and makes me feel better when I want to kill people, or when I just feel poopy. I just wanted to say thank you for that!

  21. Take it easy and forget about us. No one wants you stressed, my dear. Just feel better, as soon as possible.

    By the way, I used to work out at the same gym as Fabio. If you ever want to see him up close and all sweaty, just go to Gold’s Gym in Hollywood. He is there ALL THE TIME!

    Hope that helps some. :)


    ~ Paula

  22. Hey. Your health is more important than a website. Anyone who’d be bothered that you’re not putting your wellbeing second to posting is a douche face, and who cares what douche faces think?

    Good luck and I join in the chorus wishing you a speedy pass through the horrible stuff. Hope you feel better soon.

  23. I agree with the group in saying that you are totally awesome and take it easy. I’m just about 20 hours behind on most of my life.. as I go to finish the laundry from this weekend..on Tuesday.

  24. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Two Things, No More, No Less

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