You know, I really don’t have to write this stupid blog anymore, because I’m on the brink of immense wealth. Check out this awesome offer I got today. It’s the best Valentine’s Day ever!
“Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars($U.S8,500000) was deposited some years ago by my late father, he made me the sole beneficiary/next of kin to the money. I am now asking you to stand on my behalf to make this claim for the bank , I am a young girl and too young in age i can’t handle this can of transaction, i want you to stand as my foreign partner oversea and also to help me on investment of the money am ready to offer you 35%of this money has your own interest once you help me in claiming the money from the bank . I will give you details about the deposit as you respond to my request.”
I keep getting this email, sometimes more than once a day.which means they’re getting pretty desperate for help. So I’m going in for the kill!
It’s the weekend and Valentine’s Day, so a Frig? was inevitable. Problem is, people seem to really like Valentine’s Day, and coming up with the content was a challenge. But I pulled through like a champ – I mean, there’s a reason the Cote d’Ivoire lady keeps coming to me, because she knows I can make things happen – to bring you the following.
Product the First: Marmite
What says “I love you” more than a heart-shaped jar of spreadable yeast extract, a by-product of beer brewing?
I will make a disclaimer: I have never had Marmite, or its cousins Vegemite (Australian) or Cenovis (Swiss), but I have been in the presence of much beer brewing, and virtually nothing that is part of the beer-making process or post- process* is anything I would ever want to spread on toast. There’s a reason people visiting London eat mostly Indian food.
Marmite: Love or Hate? If your hypothetical Valentine gave you this, would any sexual favors be forthcoming? Please explain.
*FYI, these all have very funny names like “krausen” and “sparge” and “mashtun.” Sparge is my personal favorite, and I’m going to start using it as an insult. You fucking sparge.
Product the Second
It’s not so much the theory of the product that gets me – some people are into both bondage and gummi candy, and I’m not going to pass judgment on that.
No, much like Mr. Sprinkles the Soul-Sucking Clown, it’s the packaging that’s killing me here. Because call me crazy, but this doesn’t look like a product aimed at the BDSM crowd, and I’m not so sure I want my 6-year-old (You know, if i had one. Or if I’d borrowed one for the day, or something) grabbing this as we walk down the candy aisle (Not that I would feed your child candy).
Where do you place this product? Who is the demographic? What is the appeal of squeeeeeezing your hands through the little cuffs, only to have your wrists be all sticky and your partner’s breath smell like Extreme Watermelon Blast?
I reject this.
If your hypothetical valentine gave you this, would sexual favors be forthcoming, or would you immediately dump him/her be s/he is clearly a perv?
Product the Third
Less a creepy product, more a useful tool that you can use today to delight friends and family: a make-your-own-candy-heart maker. All the fun messaging, none of having to eat the powdery, gross candy. You can create a collection to mix things up:
Or you can go for the single for major punch:
Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.