Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 12

I don’t really remember what is supposed to happen this week, although I’ve been having dreams about Leah being literally thrown under a bus all week.  No, I’m here to warn you that it is inevitable that something is going to go screwy with the site, probably more than once, during this episode.  WordPress doesn’t like processing multiple comments at once (Although it’s not that many so I don’t really get it – are you all commenting at the SAME EXACT SECOND during commercials? If so, cut it out.), and my host insists that I’m exceeding my CPU usage during these hours, which I’m pretty sure can only be the case if they have a single server on which they’re hosting every single one of the world’s 11 million blogs.

Anyway, I’m trying to decide on a new host but in the meantime we all have to suffer, me included because every time it happens I want to send death rays through my wireless router to Bluehost. Sorry.

10:00: Last Week: Eric Ripert may or may not be a very handsome robot. Stefan won again.  Jamie got booted, not without reason, but leaving us with the execrable Leah.

10:02: Cooking is the only thing Leah can do really well.

Tragic.  Because, you know, she sucks.

10:03:  Quickfire: Wylie Dufresne is here.  Brian: “The “D” is for douchebag.”

Wylie is obsessed with eggs and egg cookery.  I love the word “cookery,” I think because it makes me think of Julia Child.  They have one hour to cook and access to eggs from every animal that lays eggs.  If you can’t deal with proper egg cookery in a whole hour, you deserve to go.

Every moment that the site doesn’t crash is like a tiny victory.

10:04: FABIO! is going all molecular gastronomy on our asses.  Also he pronounces Dufresne Du-frez-nee.  Because that’s how you would pronounce it in Italy.  Sigh.

Stefan is clever: panna cotta with fruit inside so it will look like a poached egg.  Damn.

Carla is making green eggs and ham because she is, literally, a Dr. Seuss character.  But I have a feeling about her.  I’m not actually sure if that’s good or bad.

10:07: Leah makes bacon hollandaise. It would make me like her, except I already hate her.

Carla: success!  Wylie sucks that shit down.

10:08: FABIO!’s plate: I lost what is on the plate, but it’s the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

Unfortunately, he’s on the bottom, because he made egg-like things without actually making eggs.  Leah also loses for fake eggs.

10:10: Please Carla please Carla please Carla no Stefan no Stefan no Stefan.

YES!  Dark horse, dark horse baby.

10:11: Elimination.  There is knife pulling.  FABIO! pulls “Lidia Bastianich,” which means he’s probably got a culinary boner.  Carla’s got Jaques Pepin, which is somewhat perfect.

They’ll all be cooking their chef’s requested last meals.  Most morbid. Challenge. Ever.  FABIO! has to make the most perfect roast chicken, ever, for Lidia, and it had better be perfect.  Because Lidia Bastianich can kill you with her mind, and she will do it.  She demands excellent food and is angry about her hair.

10:13: Carla has to make peas.  Jacques Pepin and Carla are pea buddies.  I don’t know what that means, but I would like to see a real-life demonstration.  I do know that her eye sockets grow bigger and bigger every week. Maybe that’s where she keeps the peas?

10:18: Interlude:  Dinner at Perilla, season 1 winner Harold Dieterle’s place in the West Village.  Go there.  Get the pork belly with the lentils and banyuls gastrique.  IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Is it just me, or is he the only one actually doing anything with his life now?  Although given some of the winners [cough]Ilan[cough] it’s probably better that way.

10:23: Jaques Pepin wants squab with his fresh peas.  FABIO! thinks he’s got it made with roast chicken.  I find overconfidence to be a harbinger.

Stefan does not think that Hosea has chef balls, but I haven’t seen them personally so I can’t say.  What do you think “chef balls” are like? I bet they glow when you’re really in the zone.  Please explain your own response in the comments.

Leah: “I’m making this other thing even though I know Wylie probably won’t want it this way.”  Smart!

10:25: My love for Carla grows exponentially with each passing moment.

Stefan: “There is nothing I could possibly screw up with this dish.”  TOO MANY HARBINGERS, editors.  Although as big a douchebag as he is, Leah still has to go or I will never trust this show again, and my trust is already questionable.

FABIO! BROKE HIS FUCKING FINGER. Holy shit, I thought he was just gonna cut it.

10:26: Producer: “Do you want to go to the hospital?”  FABIO!: “No, I will chop it off, sear it on a flattop so it doesn’t bleed, and deal with nine fingers tomorrow.”  LOVE.  HARD FUCKING CORE.

I am having finger-related sympathy pains.

10:30: I can’t even keep up with all the hilarious things FABIO! is saying.  I hope you all have TiVo.  I wish I had TiVo.

10:31: FABIO! wisely would not want his final meal to be cooked by any Top Chef contestants.  I can not disagree with that.  I would also like my final meal to be cooked by FABIO!’s nonna.

Tom comes in to be a dickwad: “The judges are famous!  Don’t fuck this one up!”  Because Tom is shy and retiring, and easily embarrassed in front of his famous friends.

10:32: They’ve totally smeared vaseline on the camera lens to obscure the fact that Jacques Pepin, adorable though he may be, already has one foot in the grave and may actually be eating his last meal.

10:33:  First up: Leah, poached egg. Wylie does not want salad on his last day.  I wouldn’t either.  I would want to roll around naked in slabs of bacon eating a slice of pizza.  I’m sorry, I would.

10:34:  Second: Stefan, salmon: Horribly overcooked fish!  Lidia is NOT happy.  The salmon is dishonored. Fail

10:36:  Third: Hosea, shrimp scampi. Mixed results.  That tomato does not look good, and who puts cream in shrimp scampi?  Lidia DOES NOT COOK WITH CREAM.

10:37:  Fourth: FABIO!, roast chicken.  Because of his broken finger, he has to hack the chicken to pieces with a garden shovel.  Way to jump in, fellow contestants.

This is just what Lidia wanted!  So my boy has a broken finger. So fucking what?  Lidia is happy, which means no one has to die.

10:39:  Fifth: Carla, squab.  That looks seriously good.  Tom appreciates the “audacity of simplicity.”  Jacques actually thinks he could die happy with that, and he might. He loves the peas!  They are scrumptious.  I love listening to him say the word “scrumptious.”

I want to shrink him down and carry him around in my pocket.  I’ve always thought HE should be the Tom Colicchio on this show, because he would actually, you know, HELP THEM instead of giving the ever-constructive criticism of “Don’t suck.”

10:44: Leah: “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d broken my finger.”  FABIO!: “This is Top Chef, not Top Pussy.”  That’s on Cinemax, not Bravo.

10:47: Padma, perhaps you’ve heard of this thing called a “bra”?

Everyone gets some shit, everyone did something well.  Jacques is on the Carla love train.  People all over the world, join hands.  Join the love train, (Carla) love train.

10:49: I have never seen so many people so excited about peas.  And I like peas.

Tom isn’t sure if they should take FABIO!’s broken finger into account. How is that even a question? YES YOU DO.

10:50: There are doubts about Leah.  HAVE MORE DOUBTS.  HAVE MORE DOUBTS.

They think Leah’s eggs could have been 2 or 3 degrees higher.  Brian: “As could the studio, if Padma’s nipples are any judge.”

10:54: WINNER!  FABIO! Suck it, broken finger!  SUCK IT.  “I’m not in the semi-final because I paid someone, I did a good job.”  That’s my boy, paragon of confidence.

Carla’s in too!  She thinks she’s like a tortoise passing the hare.  The skinnest, most hyperactive, bug-eyed tortoise in the world.

10:52: The site has not crashed yet.  And now I have jinxed myself.  Good job, me.

10:54: LEAH GOES HOME!  MY FAITH IN THE BABY JESUS IS RESTORED! THANK YOU, 8 POUND, 6 OUNCE BABY JESUS!

Apparently cooking is not the only thing Leah can do well.  Because she can’t.  Therefore, I must conclude that there is nothing she can do well.

Although I gotta say, Stefan deserved the knifing too, even though you knew they would never do it.  He and Hosea move on, obviously, although Hosea has no chance in hell of winning.  Not a prayer.

10:58: Stefan: “I knew I had to be in the Final Four.  There was no other option.”  Because otherwise he would have massacred a bunch of people from the top of a clock tower.

FABIO!:  “In New Orleans, I WILL KICK HIS (Stefan’s) ASS.”

NEXT WEEK: THE ACTUAL FINALE begins, instead of some bullshitty reunion with uber-slimebag Andy Cohen: New Orleans!  Advantage Carla.  Emeril is there!  Who I think is kind of a hack, but is somehow beloved by America.

Bam.

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 12

  1. This is the first time I’m showing up for liveblogging! I hope I can keep up. We’ll see. (Crap, I just realized it’s only 9:20, and I need to watch Lost and Top Chef before the night is over. So we’ll see indeed.)

  2. sara, it won’t be hard to keep up at all as the site crashes and you take an enforced break because bluehost are a bunch of fuckers.

    can you tell i am a little bitter? i am a little bitter.

  3. Green eggs & ham? Didn’t she watch season 2? Sam already learned that lesson…

    Also, going back to S2, this seems like Marcel’s wet-dream quickfire challenge.

  4. “Overall, this is not bad” – Toby

    That’s not really what you’re supposed to be going for at this point, more like “This is fucking awesome!”

  5. How creepy is it that you said Jacques Pepin may actually be eating his last meal & then he said he could die happy after eating Carla’s squab & peas?

    Totally creepy…

  6. Holy crap, this is one crazy show. Fabio cooks deliciousness with a broken finger? Everyone’s feeling the love in Carla’s food? Stefan fucked up? Whoa.

    “It’s Top Chef, not Top Pussy!” Love you, Fabs, love you.

  7. Omg. Your line about Jacques Pepin–I was totally thinking the same thing. How can he STILL be alive?! I feel like if Carla gets too close and touches him, his face will crumble to the ground like some bad guy in a Harry Potter movie.

  8. Just chiming in to agree with the Fabio love, and to say that I just read some of the reviews of Perillo on TWOP this week, and I got steadily hungrier and unhappier that I’m stuck in the middle of the prairies, rather than NYC.

  9. Here’s a logic proof for you:

    If Sara hates Leah, and Tom hates Leah, does Sara love Tom?

    OK, logically, you’d need more information, but I did swoon a bit when noticing how much he clearly wants to send her home.

  10. Fresh peas are badass. Period.

    OK, I’m gettin this total flashback from Mikey in S2 when he was all messed up from an impacted tooth or whatever and competed under the influence of hydro and won the QF and the Elimination challange. ‘Cuz the way I figure, they gave Fabio some pain meds for ye olde broken finger (DUDE BROKEN PINKY!).

    FUCK YEAH! FUCK YOU LEAH! GO HOME!

  11. Leah just said she’s way better than the food she’s cooked through the competition?? What the fuck? shouldn’t she have been trying to cook her BEST so she could WIN? Anyway, she’s gone – goodbye and good riddance.

  12. long time lurker, first time posting…did you see the previews for next week? For New Orleans Fabio cut his hair into a MOHAWK. Why, Fabio, why? Grow it back ASAP! Aw, heck. He’s still adorable anyway.

  13. Ok, did anyone notice when Carla said she used to be a model? Holy Bugeyes!

    Also, no way Stefan was getting booted off. They do him like they did Hung in S3, which is to say:” Your cooking technique is clearly superior, but it could have used just a little touch of…. I don’t know, Bravo’s making me say this,… salt?”

  14. 10:54: LEAH GOES HOME! MY FAITH IN THE BABY JESUS IS RESTORED! – Mine too!!!! I was totally prepared to commit sepaku (did I spell that right???) with my Henckel’s chef’s knife. Really, I had sharpened it earlier tonight while preparing a really nice Fettuccine Alfredo with cheese stuffed pork cutlets. But I digress. LEAH IS GONE!!!! Why did it take this long, though? Funny how she screwed up Hollandaise twice. I mean, that is like third day of culinary school, learning mother sauces, and Hollandaise is simple and pretty easy too. Anyway, before the show, I did take some spirit xanax, and held a voodoo seance with a Leah doll just in case. I was really impressed in the quickfire with Fabio’s, Hosea’s, and Stefan’s offerings. Leah’s seemed pretty ordinary and bland, and Carla’s seemed to playful. Good thing that Wylie loves playful! The last supper concept was pretty awesome, and it looked like Jacques was in Jesus’ seat and Toby in Judas’ seat. Having to prepare simple dishes and take them over the top to me is the best challenge to showcase skills. I thought that both Carla and Fabio would have an edge since Fabio was cooking food from his childhood and Carla believed that she and Jacques were pea buddies. Stefan should have had an easier time, but somehow overcooked salmon. How do you do that?!? Why would you pick salmon as your last meal anyway? Even if you are Norwegian, go for a good piece of tuna for crying out loud! Hosea should have easily nailed the shrimp scampi, a dish all chefs should be able to nail in their sleep. And Eggs Benedict should also be very easy too, but somehow Leah fucked that up! (Thank you to all of the cooking Gods, and any other Gods that may have had a hand in this!) Oh, and Padma, I love that look tonight. Please wear that shirt on every show from now on!

    Ok, on to New Orleans. This is going to be a real test for these chef-testants. New Orleans is a city of its own culinary style and traditions. Carla should have and edge since she somehow made 20 minute gumbo (impossible, by the way; you need almost that long to properly construct a mahogany rue). Hosea with his seafood experience will probably have an upper hand, and Stefan and Fabio will face difficult challenges. I think, though, that Stefan just from a skill and technical point can pull this one out, but I am more and more loving Fabio (damn you Michelle!) and Carla has certainly grown on me too. I am really looking forward to this showdown, because New Orleans is my second favorite city in America, second only to where I live, Atlanta! Oh, and if you have never been to New Orleans, you should absolutely go and experience the party, the food, and the people. Go to Brennan’s, The Court of Two Sisters, and find some hole in the wall place with an old black woman cooking in the kitchen. You may think that Michelin 3 star restaurants are great, but you don’t have any idea what good *real* cooking is until you eat at a New Orleans hole-in-the-wall restaurant!

    A quick aside, Richard Blaise (my original Top Chef man-crush, and last year’s runner-up) has just recently opened Flip, a high end burger joint, here in Atlanta. I haven’t been yet since having little to no income prevents me and my girlfriend from having $100 meals, but I do hope to go there soon. I did eat at Home when he was there, and that was a religious experience. Almost as good as April Lynn’s in New Orleans, which sadly, is no longer there.

  15. Morbid challenge or not, it is customary for chefs to sit around and play the “last meal” game. Tony Bourdain did an article about it in TIME recently. There is a book on amazon with 50 chefs talking about their last meals.

    Personally, I think Carla could have sent Marty Feldman home to his maker a happy man. Maybe a Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte a la Young Frankenstein

  16. Oh no she di’nt!!!

    I just browsed the book and it appears “Lidia Bastianich bids adieu over a plate of linguini and clams” Fickle Fickle Fickle…but How perfect would that have been? linguine with mon-key ass and empty clam shells?

  17. Holy shit, 51 fucking comments? Well it’s worth it, you funny bitch. I am giving you all of my props.

    One thing you didn’t point out was how Tom was qualifying Marcus Samuelsson’s (swoon!) preference for rare squab by saying “that’s how young people like it” and then is all, “I think it’s slightly overcooked”. Like anyone is gonna buy Tom being lumped in with young people.

    And I think the vaseline was to hide Lidia’s scary-ass zombie hair (as I twittered to you).

  18. anyone notice the super-cheesy table setup–as a “last supper” tableau? i’m surprised bravo didn’t take promo pix with padma (or tom?) in the center, arms spread beatifically.

  19. okay, don’t keep your opinions to yourselves or anything.

    i’m telling you right now: normally i try to be good about this stuff, but there is NO WAY IN HELL i am personally responding to 54 comments that came in in the space of an hour. I AM NOT A MACHINE.

    that being said, finale predictions? i say: carla v. stefan. i don’t know if she can pull it out, but i will not give up hope until i see the whites of their eyes.

  20. about the comment at 10:47: i didn’t mean to look, but padma’s nips started the staring contest first. did anyone else notice that they’re wall-eyed?

  21. Apparently I am one of the few who didn’t spend time staring at Padma’s nipples.

    I was quite charmed by this episode. I was pretty sure as soon as we got the clip about how cooking is the only thing Leah is good at that she was a going home this week. And I was happy.

    I’m actually ok with any of the final four winning except for Hosea. I haven’t always been kind to Stefan in the past, but I have been impressed through the season with his willingness to help others in the kitchen. So while I would prefer for FABIO! or Carla to win, I don’t dislike Stefan (anymore).

    I was so happy to see Hosea and Leah standing in the elimination line. And it was sweet sweet music to my ears when Leah was sent a-packin’. Seriously, that girl should have been sent home weeks ago.

    The creative monkeys are quiet.
    FABIO! finally won a challenge and did not maim himself in any permanent fashion (that would have been a tragedy!).
    Carla is in tune with her spirit xanax. And peas.

    The world is beautiful.

  22. i know i said i wasn’t going to respond to all these comment personally, but let it be known that I WAS NOT THE ONE WHO FIRST NOTICED THE NIPPLAGE. although i’m sure it would have just been a matter of time because whoa, do you want toby young to lose an eye?

    (yes, i know many of you do).

  23. You really can’t HELP but notice the nips. They make pasties and junk to cover that up right? Am I the only woman that would be embarrassed to have that happen to me in public? What if only one side of you is cold?

    Anyhow, I love that FABIO! not only didn’t complain to the judges about his finger, it looked like he was almost hiding it. Or maybe it’s just me. He makes my heart flutter.

  24. catherine: I saw that, too! That cracked me up even more.

    And maybe it won’t come true, but I’m calling FABIO! as the winner.

    (By the way, I just got an email from a co-worker that said,”Good job with your boy Fabio yesterday. Italian props to Michelle.” I find it a little creepy that people in my office are reading the blog. And this comment. So to all my co-workers…I hate my job.)

    Brian

  25. Damn, I missed it all, TC and your live blogging. I didn’t get to see the show until last night (thursday). We’ve been pulling too many late nights at The Wave as opposed to too many shoes out of our asses. I clearly missed the best live blogging yet, hysterical. You where given so much great material and ran with it, bravo Michelle! Brian your comments were spot on!
    Did anyone else think Carla’s imitation of a Tortoise was strangely realistic.
    off subject:
    Did you know Jaques Pepin designed the kitchen at The Left Bank, he had planned on retiring here and running it but when The Sanderling went from private to corporate ownership and Jaques walked. Our loss.

  26. I, for one, am gald I DIDN’T notice the nipples.

    Yehey! Leah goes home. Finally. That was long overdue.

    Even though he seems to be unpopular, I have no problems with Stefan. He’s good. I don’t find him arrogrant. Also, I don’t think he “overcooked” the salmon. I think he probably just cooked the salmon through, just not to medium rare. Maybe that’s the European way, because I didn’t hear Marcus complaining. He seemed pretty happy with the dish!

    The biggest question of all: why is Hosea squeaking by? And why is he SOOOOO obsessed with Stefan? EVERY SENTENCE HE UTTERS has “Stefan” in it. He’s probably in love with Stefan; no wonder it didn’t work out with Leah. He must’ve loved it when Stefan touched his face. Hah.

  27. i cannot believe his shiny baldness actually asked if they should take the broken finger under consideration.

    hello? seriously?

    i know she won’t win, but i adore that wacky crazy-eyed carla.
    i’m all kinds of in her corner.

  28. @TS how could you NOT notice the nipples? :) She walked into the stew room and I was all “HELLO, PADMA!” I thought the pointy nipple thing went out with the last episode of SATC… guess I was wrong.

  29. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Liveblogging Top Chef: The Finale, Part 1

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