Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 9

Restaurant Wars is like the Super Bowl of Top Chef – you’ve thinned the crappy players out of the herd, but everyone remaining is a little too high-strung and the actual game ends up sucking.  Unfortunately, more people care about the Leah/Hosea bullshit than the actual cooking, judging by today’s seventy jillion “Leah Hosea kiss cheating boyfriend” hits.  Get over it, people.  You’re only making Bravo think we want more of this crap, which we most certainly DO NOT.

10:00: Last week: Ariane took a short trip under a long bus.  Jamie cooked a scallop.  Fabio made my heart go a pitter-patter.  And an entire group of chefs who freaked out when they had to cook with things in cans tanked when faced with actual, farm-fresh products. THE LAMB WAS DISGRACED.

10:01: How much I’m looking forward to watching Leah and Hosea suck face, on a scale of “1″ to “vomit”: vomit + 2.  Just thinking about it is giving me some acid reflux.

10:02: Quickfire:  Stephen Starr, restaurateur, including Morimoto, which I still can’t entirely trust.  It’s time for restaurant wars and the EC is to do a tasting for him – one dish that will showcase your restaurant, and the 2 winners are the “owners” of their restaurants.

10:05: Fabio thinks the lunch business is underestimated and he’s doing a multi-part lunch menu, Jeff-style. He’s either going big, or going down in flames.  I’m guessing flames, because Chipotle’s pretty much got the lock-down on the lunch market at this point.

Thing I don’t want to see when you’re cooking for me: You scratching your ass WITH BOTH HANDS as you search for and grab ingredients, Leah.

10:07: Carla’s spirit guides are not clearly communicating the need for salt in her dishes.  Leah has a whole lot going on. Stefan has a trio of asparagus.  I want to hate him, but it was hard that time.  I hunkered down and did it, though.

10:09: Radhika: you had me at “butter braised.”  She had Starr too, because she’s one of the winners.  The other winner is Leah and I want her to LOSE.

Seasonal cooking is important to Jamie.  That’s why the live chickens and farm-fresh produce freaked her out.  Fabio: did NOT make a cheesesteak, but he kind of did and I would totally eat it. Also he was in the bottom two.  Also also, I still love him.

10:11: The hook-up is bad enough.  But the Leah baby voice?  STICK A BUTTER KNIFE IN MY EAR RIGHT NOW.

10:15: Elimination Challenge: Restaurant Wars.  Leah picks Hosea first: SHOCKING.  Radhika ends up with Jeff, Jamie and Carla, such is her hatred of Stefan. I am not so confident in Radhika’s leadership abilities, perhaps because of her mole-like demeanor.

Today they get to pick out linens and plan the interiors.  Someone has a giant gold elephant.  Excitement!  Tasteful!

10:18: Shockingly, no one on Radhika’s teamwants to be front of the house.  Because then they would have to talk. To people.  I do agree with the idea of keeping Carla on pastry because (1) she’s good at dessert and (2) let’s be honest here, the bug eyes are a little freaky on first viewing.

Fabio takes front of the house for his team, which is clearly the best idea ever.  You could serve no food and just have him go around chatting with each table, and you’d win by a mile.  Given the way Restaurant Wars typically go – that is, poorly – maybe they should.  I would eat at that restaurant.

10:19: Shopping for decor.  Both of these restaurants are going to be like night terrors that take place in a Pier One.  The only thing worse is a fever dream where you’re lost in the IKEA marketplace and can’t get out until you find a complete set of Lekskrünk candle holders..  God help us all, but mostly help the diners.

10:20: Leah: “I just can’t tell Stefan what to do.”  Except you can, because you are the TEAM LEADER.  Radhika is delegating to Jamie.

10:22: Bawnm-chicka-baw-bawnm with Leah and Hosea aaaaand I vomited a little in my mouth.

10:26: Tonsil hockey aftermath.  Bad for relationships, bad for food, bad for television.

10:28: Team Leah’s restaurant: “Sunset Lounge.”  Says Hosea, “no one has ever come up with a restaurant concept as strong as this.”  Because “Sunset Lounge”?  Sounds totally classy.

10:31: Fabio, cut with the knife away from your man bits!  Away! You must have beautiful Italian children with your beautiful Italian wife.

Leah can’t even look Hosea in the eyes.  Perhaps because she flung herself at him like a shameless hussy.  Whoops, did I say that out loud?  For fairness and balance: Hosea is a man-whore.

10:32: The cod Leah got is really bony and the only way to get the bones out is to bang Hosea cut her fish differently, shredding it.  Tough break.

10:35: Radhika is not making any decisions, other than to drink more wine and to encourage her team to drink more wine.

FABIO IN THE WHITE SUIT OMG PONIES!!!111.  “We could serve monkey ass in an empty clam shell and still be the winners.”  AND HE IS TOTALLY RIGHT, because everyone will give higher scores to the team whose maitre’d causes you to orgasm instantly upon entering the restaurant.  Did I call it, or did I call it?

10:40: Radhika is wearing an old grain sack with some trim at the neckline.  Her face is devoid of expression, except for maybe some vague fear.  Is she just that laid back, stoned, or has she had her personality surgically removed at birth?

As usual, the servers suck ass.  I think they’re trained to do so, as a test.

10:42: They like the taste of Team Radhika’s flatbread “but probably because we’re already hungry.”  Are you not allowed to just like it?  At least they like some of the other dishes, so far.

Tomato water: Can someone explain that to me?

10:44: Carla’s desserts are a bit of a hot mess.  Literally, because the freezers weren’t working.  Aside from that, the desserts are universally reviled.

Radhika is having a breakdown.  She could use some of Carla’s spirit xanax.  The judges abandon the restaurant while she is in hiding.  Slick!

10:47: Fabio is making love with his eyes to every table in the Sunset Lounge.  I think the guest judge kind of wants to do him.

10:48: I’m sad the soup didn’t get a better reception, because it looked and sounded tasty.

Braised short ribs: no way to lose.  Especially when Fabio pronounced them “braise-ed.”  The fish is undercooked and tastes like pickles, but I feel strongly that Fabio’s apology should totally make up for that.

10:51: Stefan’s desserts are a hit.  Dammit.  And there are lollipops. And I want one.

Who’s going down: Radhika, Leah, or dark horse Carla?  Also, what are the chances that Hosea throws Leah under his heaving body the bus?

10:54: Clearly safe: Stefan and his lollipops.  Fabio and his suit.  Whoever made the short ribs.  Whoever made the scallop; I have no recollection but I’m going to go out on a limb and say Jamie.

10:57: How is it this late?  Tell me this is another bloated episode.  You made me watch the Leahosea bullshit and the useless interlude of Jess and his magic for this?  MAKE THE DAMN SHOW AN HOUR.

11:00:  Judges’ Table: Sunset Lounge is up first. WINNERS.  Why?  Desserts and service.  Even pseudo-crotchety Englishman has a crush on Fabio.

And yet, Stefan wins?  SHAKING FIST AT SKY.

11:04: Radhika is not sure what went wrong.  Because she was hiding the whole time.  Also she cooked nothing. And made no decisions of any kind.

Carla admits that she sucked.  But she tried to send love out with each dish.  THAT IS HER BELIEF.  I am using a lot of capital letters in this post, and that is not a good thing.

11:07: Yes, the cake sucked.  But this isn’t Top Dessert, it’s Top Chef.

If they send Carla home, I will spend the next week dedicating myself to sending bad juju to Tom Colicchio and Stephen Starr. THE LEADER ABDICATED THE THRONE.  How is there even a decision to be made?

11:12: YES!!  Radhika is a-packing those knives.  Of course you didn’t want to go home for being in the front of the house.  No one does.  That’s why you should have DECIDED to make someone else do it.  You know, as the LEADER.

Next Week:  Past season all-stars.  Does Andrew still have his culinary boner?  Because if those last for more than 4 hours, you’re supposed to call a doctor.

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 9

  1. Having scanned the other blogs (and voted for you this morning) I can’t believe it’s even a freaking contest. The others make me snore. You curse and make me laugh and drool with hunger. Done deal.

    I truly hope you have DVR because the 3 hrs of Lost will overlap with Top Chef, and TC just does not have a snowflake’s chance in hell of out-ranking Lost in my house… Since I can record 2 at once, I get to watch both, but otherwise…
    Can I just say how happy I am that this week, House, Lost, 24, How I Met Your Mother, and Burn Notice are all back on tv? Obama is already working his fantastic, happy, charismatic, blindingly intelligent magic.
    *contented sigh*

  2. chessa, thanks for the vote! but no dogging the other nominees.

    i don’t have a DVR – makes liveblogging a hell of a lot harder – but i don’t watch lost, so i’m good to go. i’m a fringe girl myself.

  3. The kissing was bad enough. Kissing with slobbery sound effects was worse. Hosea claiming he didn’t want it to happen was the worst of all. I guess his lips are beyond his control?

  4. catherine, thank you. “my tongue just slipped into her mouth, i don’t know how it happened.” shut the fuck up.

    leena, you too?

    kim l, totally.

  5. I’d just like to say… when scouting wedding locations, I went to Bridgewater. The building is about a block and a half from what WAS the Fulton Fish Market. While the people were very nice, the INSIDE of the building should not smell like the Fish Market that is no longer there. It didn’t even smell like fish outside.
    I don’t know if it was the event they were prepping for that day, but… ick. Even the offices smelled of fish.
    Doooooooooooooooooomed!

    And Michelle, not dogging the others. Just proclaiming your awesome-ness. Loyalty man. Bacon and Fluevogs, and I was born in NJ…

  6. chessa, in which case i’d like to respond, blech. i didn’t know where/what bridgewater was.

    catherine, i’d slurp down some love soup.

    the sounded a lot grosser than i meant it. i think the judges make the right call.

  7. So happy you are in the lead!!! Don’t get me wrong…I like the others (and maybe even subscribe to one or two of them), but I def. hit you first thing every morning. You couldn’t be more right about Fabio, only I can’t say that too loudly without my husband getting too jealous of the hot Italian man that I look forward to seeing every week. OF COURSE YOU’RE HOTTER THAN HIM, BABE! Wish Leah went home instead. Don’t know how many more mouth/kissing noises I can stomach. Please get a room far, far away from the cameras next time.

  8. Wow, yet another episode of uninspiring Top Chef. I really hate that, because I love the concept of the show! I have this feeling that Bravo goes to *real* top chefs, you know, the one’s with successful restaurants, and asks them to compete. The *real* top chefs scoff at Bravo’s producers and laugh at them with that slightly villainy laugh mixed with a hint of sarcasm. Meanwhile, chefs who are either trying to make a name for themselves, or trying to add clout to their name sign up to compete, and we are left with this. So sad, this season pales in comparison to prior seasons, which is why I am glad that the Top Chef All Stars are coming back next week! Andrew and his Culinary Boner! Crazy-hat McDoucherson! Those two will kick everyone’s ass on this show, except for Stefan. And maybe Fabio. Dr. Chase might get a nod from Andrew, but will feel the wrath and sting of the hat. Some observations, if I may…
    - Hos-leah is sad. Does Bravo need to step down to this level to make the show interesting?
    - Carla is competing outside of her league now. She is a caterer and not a restaurateur, and I believe that she will be next out the door. I hate that because she has grown on me and is secretly sending me spirit Xanax from a Canadian pharmacy.
    - Stefan is a prick, but he can cook. He saved the day instead of freaking out over his desserts failing due to a bad freezer.
    - Fabio is a pretty boy, and that will only carry him so far… right up to the final four where Stefan will eat his lunch (figuratively, not literally!)
    - Jaime is schizophrenic. One week she is doing well and leading and cooking awesome stuff! Every other week after that she goes deeper into insanity…
    - I’d like to see a one-on-one between Dr. Chase and Jaime. Arm wrestling would be a good start, and the competition would end with which one could please a woman better.
    I’m predicting now (and if it is different than prior predictions, this one stands!) that the final four will be Jaime, Dr. Chase, Stefan, and Fabio. Yes, I am really going out on a limb with those predictions! Leah is to scatterbrained and the only reason she made it this far is because Bravo had to explore the *cheaters* theme. Carla, as stated before, is starting to get out of her league. Hosea is just as scatterbrained as Leah, but is somehow able to hold it together better. Could be because he’s a guy! I kid, I kid…

  9. I don’t like Stefan but apparently he can cook. And he has a personality. Sure, the personality might be a little caustic at times but at least he has opinions.

    I actually wanted Leah’s team to lose and for Leah to go home. It doesn’t much matter because Leah, Carla and Hosea are all pretty much fighting for who goes out next. I’ll miss Carla most when she leaves because even though I’m not sure she’s ever cooked a decent protein, she’s entertaining with her hootie-hoo and spirit guides and love. I wonder if she knows that she needs to upgrade her spirit guides – they haven’t actually been doing right by her.

    Leah: I’ve never even cheated on a boyfriend before.

    Really? And you decided that as a cheftestant on a reality show was the best time to explore this relationship option? And then you have an emotional freak out? On the day you’re in charge of opening a pretend restaurant? And then you get all pouty and whiney and can’t figure out how to cook cod? Really?

    Even though I wanted Sahana to win, as soon as Fabio said he was front of the house, I knew Sahana was toast. Who can compete with Fabio and his ability to make all people feel beautiful and desired?

    Am I the only person not thrilled about all stars from cheftestants past? I already only barely care about any of the chefs from this season (besides Fabio) so I don’t need distractions (like cheftestants past with nothing to lose) to distract me from the current motley crew. Plus, is all stars code for “chefs that have nothing else to do and are struggling to find their place in the real world since we ruined them by making them think they were more important and better chefs than they are”?

  10. I really wanted Leah to lose. She and Hosea are the biggest tools who are must’ve gotten dumped last night at approximately 11:15. I was kind of sorry to see Radhika go; I liked her at the beginning and I’d rather have seen Leah pack her knives, but Radhika sucked it as a leader. “I didn’t want to go home for being in the front of the house.” Don’t worry, Radhika, you didn’t; you went home for being a lousy restaurant owner instead. Oh, and Fabio: ooooooh. Enough said.

  11. chedds, luckily, my husband has a man-crush on fabio so i can talk about him all i want.

    gaines, this really is shaping up to be a pathetic season. just give stefan the prize so we can all go home. the returning contestants – many of whom i didn’t think were all that great, i’m look at you spike – are going to wipe the floor with this crop.

    carla has reallly grown on me too, although i know she’s out the door soon. you never know, though – lisa ended up in the top 3 last year. and i hope fabio starts showing some chops.

    where are the harolds and blaises of yesteryear?

    julianne, i’m not too excited about the returning contestants either, although i’m willing to withhold (some) judgment).

    the leahosea thing is really pissing me off because (1) i had to watch it on my television and (2) they totally made it seem like it was all her fault. but maybe hosea cheats on this girlfriends all the time, so he wasn’t as rattled.

    joelen, thanks, and i’m flattered! i don’t really do the blog-meme-award thing, but you’ve made my day. i really appreciate the recognition – you like me, you really like me!

    sara, leah will lose soon enough. i hope. please.

  12. i’m sorry maybe i drank too much last night or the color is bad on my hdtv but fabio looked like he was going for the
    “prom in the 80′s don johnson miami vice look” and the bad porn music…. please shoot me now because top chef has just jumped the shark.

  13. Truly you deserve the number one slot. I gave up top chef for Lost, read your blog and watched at 11:00. You nailed it. You’re humor is always an added bonus. Bravo should be thanking you.

  14. Thanks again for filling me in so well on what I’ve missed.

    I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard at “mole-like-demeanor” but that just strikes me as seriously funny.

    Giant gold elephants are the height of good taste! Sunset loung is incredibly original.

    So did Leah and Hosea do the nasty, or was it just made to look that way? I have no real like or dislike for those two, but now I hate them for being stupid. “Let’s make out while the cameras are rolling. Either they’re stupid, or they’re just major publicity whores. Either way, it doesn’t work for them.

    I was never that impressed with Radhika. She was always just sort of “there”. I figured she’d go home soon.

  15. I have to say that when Fabio said, “We could serve monkey ass on an empty clam shell and we would still win” that both my husband and I decided we loved him. “Top Scallop”? “Monkey Ass on an Empty Clam Shell”? This man is wonderful. And Radhika always weirded me out. She kind of had a “Children of the Corn” vibe going… Plus the whole ew-canned-goods-stuff-of-housewives thing really bothered me. Not every hausfrau turns out weekly spam and canned green bean meals…

  16. I totally felt the same way about that episode…if they keep going into this whole Leah/Hosea BS than I’m going to stop watching it. I want to watch them cooking food, I really could give a rats ass about the drama…

  17. oh my fucking god, lady, you are a genius. i’ve never read a better liveblog. ever. and i’ve read a lot of liveblogs. i’m hooked.

  18. ECM, yes, you did drink to much last night. would anyone else have looked like that? yes. can fabio? no. because he is faultless in every way.

    kerry, right? i wish i were related to fabio somehow. maybe i am. i should do some prodding.

    if you’d like, i will nominate you to spearhead the letter-writing campaign to bravo getting them to link here.

    rachel, it was just made to look that way. i don’t think shirts even came off. not that i WANTED them to, mind you.

    georgie, thank you! i’m a little overexcited about it!! as you can tell from the exclamation points!!!

    rebecca, your children of the corn thing is so right on…scary.

    laura, exactly. that’s why the ilan/marcel season sucked: pointless drama. well, that and ilan was an asstoad.

    anamik, thank you for your recognition of my genius! it is duly noted, and you have gained +1.

  19. Nice. Monkey ass on a clam shell… I love Fabio enough to drive to Moorpark, which is in the pit of “the valley” and FAR from my home.
    I watched the DVR this afternoon and made myself wait to read this tonight. Hilarious post!
    I hate Stefan but he has the chops… he will definitely go the distance.
    But, what is up with the same ole proteins over and over again? Top ShortRib & Scallop, apparently. Ok, now Radhika is gone, I hope kooky Carla is next, she is a Fraggle for sure. Could have done without the Leah/Hosea drama I totally agree.

  20. I’m with you about Fabio. He could serve me monkey ass and I’d probably eat it happily. But I hope he starts showing some more cooking chops. That mound of pesto on his ravioli last time was not a good thing. And I like Carla. In the end, I think only Jamie could beat Stefan.

  21. I love Jamie. Let me say that first. But srsly, girlfriend, don’t try to sell me a “sustainable cooking” concept while you’re serving me a plate of Chilean sea bass. I want to pretend you know what “sustainable” means, but it’s so hard now, dear!

  22. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Screw you, Mizrahi

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