Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 6

Tonight: MARTHA.  I’m trying to keep an open mind. I’ve been scared of her ever since I saw a Christmas episode of her show where she covered the WHOLE SIDE of her house with chicken wire and painstakingly wove evergreen boughs into it until the the entire side was covered.  You know, for a festive look.  That is not the behavior of a sane woman.  That is the behavior of a woman who has torched Santa’s workshop out of jealous rage and had all the elves sent down to Bedford in shipping containers to spend the season making homemade ornaments out of twigs and hand-spun silk.

10:00: Last week: That was totally Gail’s real bridal shower.  Eugene fucks up rice, but it’s Daniel, who is even dumber than his beard would suggest, who gets the boot. What the fuck is up with his football metaphor at the end?  Who is the ref?  Who is the opposing team? Thank god I don’t really care.

So far, the show’s done a good job of getting rid of people that (1) suck or (2) I dislike. Keep it up, show!

10:01: Did you know that Eugene didn’t go to culinary school?  I had NO IDEA because the show NEVER told me.  And Fabio and Stefan are European? WHAT SHOW HAVE I BEEN WATCHING?

Hosea’s dad has cancer and Hosea’s not with him to be on the show. The show is the light in Hosea’s life. Harbinger?

10:04: It’s Christmas in July!  Quickfire: Create a delicious holiday meal using only one pot.  Radhika usually uses 10 “cooking vessels” so she’s a little nervous.

10:05:  MARTHA. She cooks in one pot all the time.  And then her staff cooks in a bajillion pots. She looks especially foreboding this evening, in her black-and-gray sweater and cardigan, like maybe she’s just come from castigating the elves for not glittering the ornaments quickly enough.

Like Alec Baldwin in that SNL sketch riffing on Glengarry, Glen Ross: ALWAYS BE COBBLING. “How did you get here? Well I rode here on a talking reindeer.”

10:07: Lots of people are doing the cook-and-dump with their single pots, so they’re not actually cooking the whole meal in one pot at the same time.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  By “not sure how I feel” I mean “bullshit.”

Fabio’s nonna used to make him stir the polenta to keep him out of trouble when he was six.  And my heart breaks a little.

10:12: Cornstarch is a LOSER’S SHORTCUT.

I’m so glad Hosea’s paella is good, because it’s looking f’ing fantastic.

10:15: Jeff made a “potato risotto.”  That’s not risotto, it’s diced potatoes. Also, it kinda looks like library paste with some brussels sprouts on top, and neither of those are things I like to eat.  Martha makes a face, like Jeff is one of the errant elves and she wishes she’d left him in the burning workshop.  Her only comment: “Pungent.”

10:16: On the whole, I’m a little disappointed with the overall level of civility.  I hope Martha is more scathing in her comments, because no one is crying or anything.

Yes, Eugene, a lot of housewives use cornstarch in their cooking.  They are also not being judged by Martha Stewart.

10:18: Winner: Ariane!

She seriously needs to start watching out for Jamie, her “kitchen friend” who tastes her food and offers feedback.  You may want to find a new taster.

10:19: Elimination: Cater a holiday party for amFAR, for 250 guests.

And then the Harlem Gospel Choir comes in, which makes TOTAL SENSE. They are singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which has to somehow inspire each of their dishes.

10:22: Carla’s mind can not compute the enormity of this task.  She’ll need to find some clay so she can fashion helper golems to assist her in making this happen.

Bye, Harlem Gospel Choir!  We hardly knew ye.

10:26: Interlude: the chefs sing “The Twelve Days.”  They are not good.

The chefs talk about what they do with leftovers.  Carla likes a meatloaf slider with mojo sauce.  She pronounces the “J” in mojo.  I need to learn how to make this sauce, it would be useful to be able to control my mojo levels with a squeeze bottle.

10:31: Jeff’s got “10 Lords a’ Leaping.”  Upon not finding frogs’ legs, he goes with cheese, saying he’ll “leap from cheese to cheese.”  Sure.  Sure you will.

Also: every time they put up the name of the place where he normally works, I read “The Dildo Club.” I know you all do too.

10:35: Hosea’s planning smoky flavors to represent the pipers piping, and literally smokes the kitchen out as he sears his pork.

And everyone shoves their piping hot food into the fridge.  FOREBODING.

10:37: The knife-filled watermelon on the house kitchen table.  Why?

They arrive at the kitchen: one of the fridges was left open, and Hosea could literally kill 250 people with his food, and not just because he sucks.  Radhika lost 40 ducks – not a metaphor.

10:39: Teamwork. Civility. It’s a Christmas miracle!  Except for the producers, who you know are SO PISSED at the level of camraderie.

Oooh, who is the woman with the light brownish curly hair they keep showing in the previews? I can’t for the life of me remember her name, but I remember that she’s one hot bitch when it comes to food.

10:45: Michelle Bernstein!  That’s it.  And just as much of a bitch as I remember.  Why can’t we boot Simmons and have her on full time?

Jamie cares more about amFAR, because she’s gay. No comment.

Dear Natasha Richardson:  No one would have minded if you’d bought that dress one size bigger, I’m sure.  Love, Me.

10:48: Can someone explain Eugene’s story about the golden rings to me?  Is it a real, meaningful story, or some kind of fever dream I had? Michelle is NOT impressed (Bernstein, but also me).

Oh Fabio, you made a heavy, greasy crab cake – one of my favorite foods.

10:50: Michelle Bernstein hates EVERYTHING. And I think that’s why I love her.

Hosea: tell me more about what you’ve put in your pipe.  Everyone loves his pork, though, and he’s totally shilling for his own joint back in Boulder.  The chicks are digging on him.

10:53: He’s got competition for both food and women with Jeff.  It’s because they don’t know him and his immobile face.

Natasha isreally trying to make me believe that it’s Christmas.  She is failing.  I thought she was a better actress than that.

10:56: Yes, I get it.  Benjamin Button.  He was born old!  Brad Pitt with lots of makeup.  It’s the movie that will change all our lives.  And now that I get it, please stop running the commercial every 12 seconds.

10:58: Judges’ Table, the top: Stefan, Jeff, Hosea and Radikha.

The judges loved everything about Jeff’s salad except…the cheese.  Hee.

Winner: Hosea!  But everyone gets a prize.  You know, Christmas miracle and all.  But the prize is just a book.  So it’s a pretty minor league miracle.

11:02: JUST MAKE IT A FUCKING 90 MINUTE SHOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS.

11:03: Judges’ Table, the Misfit Toys: Jamie (ha!), Eugene, Melissa.

Tom, about Eugene’s fish: “The fish never had a chance.”  Eugene stands by his dish 1000%.  You know who else did that? Daniel.

11:06:  In the deliberations no one likes anything and Tom wants to give the whole group a drubbing. (Is that a word?)  But Tom pretty much always wants to give the whole group a drubbing, so I can’t take it seriously.

Drubbing.  Drubbing.  Drubbing.  What do you think?

11:12: Drubbing:  “You don’t win with a deviled egg.”  Rules to live by.

In the spirit of “Christmas” no one is going home.  Happy July!  Hugs all around.  Melissa decides she’ll have to step it up in the competition, which she’ll do by “cooking better food.”  Stealthy!

11:14:  Next week: a cooking free for all!  Someone (Jamie?) is making scallops again.  Fabio: “This is Top Chef, not Top Scallop.”

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 6

  1. I’m already kinda pissed that the previews are referring to her as ‘the most important guest judge EVER.’

    She’s just not all that. (Apparently I am 12.)

  2. peggasus, word to your mother. you have people like eric ripert and grant achatz and daniel boulud, and SHE’S the most important judge?

    the second most important judge = my ass. my actual ass.

  3. Know what I think would make a really, honestly challenging challenge? Make ‘em cook for me, my husband and our five sons ages 11-3. You think Martha’s exacting? Let me tell you that you ain’t cooked for a hostile audience until you’ve cooked for an 11 year old gourmet.

  4. I just saw that guy on BBC’s Never Mind the Buzzcocks (awesome show – check it out on YouTube). He’s a celebrity chef in England – his name is Heston Blumenthal. I guess he’s like Gordon Ramsey – known for temper tantrums and stuff. Could be fun!

  5. “10:26: Interlude: the chefs sing “The Twelve Days.” They are not good.

    The chefs talk about what they do with leftovers. Carla like a meatloaf slider with mojo sauce. She pronounces the “J” in mojo. I need to learn how to make this sauce, it would be useful to be able to control my mojo levels with a squeeze bottle.” – Daniel makes Meatloaf and Lo Mein Sandwiches??? Wow, no wonder he left. If he thinks that is good, then no wonder he can’t tell why his food is shit!

    Ok, so I am getting more and more un impressed with these chefs. I still do like Hosea and Jeff (Dr. Chase is we like to call him at our household since he looks just like Jesse Spencer from “House”), but they are not cooking up to their level. Stefan and Fabio seem to want to let loose, but something is holding them back. Maybe saving the best for last?

    I am getting pretty tired of Radhika, Jamie, and Carla. They all seem like they are wondering aimlessly through the desert seeking the promised land while all others around them are actually listening to what the judges say. I mean, how many dishes can Jamie do with scallops? Carla, please find creative inspiration somewhere! And Radhika, please purchase a personality somewhere, and break out of your shell. If you let your personality shine a bit, you might actually win! Oh, and Leah, your throw-away canape was just that. Very un-inspiring and very much a plain-jane dish that you would find at all catered events for 250 people. Make something that you wouldn’t find at the Rosenstein bar-mitzvah!

    Eugene, you are on the verge of being eliminated. First you find that Daniel’s horrible suggestion to let customers construct their own sushi as a good idea. Then, tonight you almost get completely bitch-slapped by Martha Stewart (I fear her as well!), and then your poison cru is too sweet for the judges. Here’s a clue for you, but only because I like you and respect that you worked you way up in the business, get one of the trained chefs to work with you on flavors. Go grab Hosea, Dr. Chase, or Stefan… or Hell grab all three and let them guide you! It is apparent that your palate is is geared for something other than what a human would eat!

    Two more thoughts. One, why make this a 75 minute show at airing, then a 60 minute show in re-run? I like the 90 minute show suggestion, but only if we get some real Top Chefs! Two, I think that the no-limit show next week will expose a lot of talent and no-talent that will be eliminated over subsequent shows. Look for the bottom of the barrel chefs on next week’s show to be eliminated over subsequent shows. My picks for the next three goners are: Jaime, Eugene, and Melissa, not necessarily in that order.

    Oh, and “Dear Natasha Richardson: No one would have minded if you’d bought that dress one size bigger, I’m sure. Love, Me.” – I totally second that!!!

  6. I rewound Fabio to watch him say “This is Top Chef, not Top Scallop” again because it was so awesome. I hate Jamie. She’s getting close to Sour-faced Lisa territory. I so want to p her in the f (punch her in the face, obviously). And of course the event meant so much more to her. Team Rainbow! Just like everyone thought she was going to win last week. Except they didn’t.

  7. Michelle,
    My two cents:
    To me a one pot meal means everything is cooked together in one pot, not just using one pot to cook each component. I second “bullshit”
    I totally read “The Dildo Club” too. It cracks me up then then I have to explain to my husband why I’m laughing. Maybe we sould eat there and see what kind of food is served. You’re naughty carrot would fit right in!
    Where’s your comment about Leah mouthing off to Collichio? Just like a kid, she doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut.
    Love Michelle Bernstein (oh and of course, you too!). She should totally replace Gail.

  8. I thought I was the only one who kept reading Dildo Club.

    I was so disappointed that no one was eliminated. Euguene needs to go. Do housewives and grandmothers across the country use cornstarch as a thickener? Possibly. But they aren’t cheftestants on a reality tv show.

    I do think that Bravo needs to show Fabio saying that he was a bad boy several times an hour because it is hilarious.

    Melissa needs to do something about those bangs.

    I don’t mind Jamie or her scallops as long as she cooks the scallops well, which, apparently, she is not doing.

    Pureed cauliflower? really? This is the one-dish wonder that wows Martha? really? Nothing else was more interesting or tasty that pureed cauliflower? And, apparently, my definition of one-pot cooking is very different from Top Chef’s. What’s the point of only using one pot if you use 124 bowls? And how did Hosea cook his rice in the same pot he cooked his meat stuffs? And wtf is a professional chef supposed to do with a Martha Stewart book filled with tips for the home cook? Sell it on ebay?

  9. tabitha, what tracy said! i definitely hope he’s on more. he owns the fat duck, best resto in the UK, and has an obsession with figuring out how to cook the “perfect” everything. more heston, please!

    gaines, i’m totally calling jeff dr. chase from now on. and i don’t even watch house, it just makes me laugh. and word on eugene’s questionable palate. in the first op or two it seemed like he could be a dark horse, but now he just needs to go. along with melissa and her bangs.

    jaqcuie, the leah thing is one of the many reasons i love fabio – he knows when to shut the fuck up in front of the judges.

    julianne, yes to everything. *i* don’t even want the martha stewart book. but it was signed, right? so ebay is certainly a viable option.

  10. “Dr. Chase” makes me so effing angry every episode. I do not know what it is, but I want to reach through the screen and bitch-slap him every time he’s on. And I’m still calling him Jeff because I find him even more annoying than Dr. Chase, who, thankfully, is no longer a main character on House.
    Melissa or Jeff need to go next.

    How fantastic if one of the judges walked up to Melissa with a pair of scissors and just chopped her bangs and said, “Ok. Now you can see. Maybe that will make you better able to cook something edible.” ???

  11. Natasha’s dress was a total distraction, how did she breathe? I thought for sure there would be a Janet Jackson incident. It was un-nerving.

    The food was unremarkable. I’m disappointed they didn’t give someone the axe, there were so many deserving chefs, but none more then Eugene.

    The highlight; Fabio’s telling us that he was a bad boy. Its still putting a smile on my face.

  12. I’m quickly losing interest this season. Jamie’s snarl-face with loss after loss may be the only thing bringing me back. And, who was kidding whom with the “seasonal” talk of kale and scallops? Filmed in July. We know.

  13. Well. That was darn funny. I hope my family doesn’t try to get me committed due to the out-of-the-blue-inappropriate-giggling that I’m sure will happen throughout the day as I think back on it. :-D

  14. “Also: every time they put up the name of the place where he normally works, I read “The Dildo Club.” I know you all do too.”

    omg, i so totally do. lol.

  15. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Screw you, Mizrahi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s