Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 4

Are you ready for Rocco DiSpirito and his frozen-Italian-food-shilling, preternaturally smooth and unlined face?  I’m not!  But join me here anyway.

10:00: Previously: what are the chances that all the chefs actually love the Foo Fighters?  Grant Achatz went on the s’more warpath (s’morepath?).  Bear-lover Richard packed his knives.

10:01: Alex read an emotional letter left to him by Richard.  He tears up.  It does not absolve him of the nut-punching he has coming to him.

10:03:  Quickfire: Rocco! *shakes fist*  Fabio makes a game effort to be charitable.

Time for breakfast, in amuse bouche form.  This? Is a great challenge.

10:06: Daniel’s childhood breakfast: cornflakes and zucchini flowers?  Daniel is a weird motherfucker.

Hey everyone!  Melissa is the woman with the blonde bangs.  I think I know everyone’s name!

10:07: I gotta say, everyone’s breakfasts look really good. I would totally eat most of these things.  Because most of them involve bacon.

Leah fried bread in bacon fat.  Bonus points.

10:11:  Fabio is cute even when he’s bitter about being in the bottom three. Doesn’t Rocco know that my people don’t eat bacon for breakfast?  No, he doesn’t, because he’s a hack.

Leah wins, again.  And gets a copy of Rocco’s latest book as a prize – in paperback, no less. Classy, DiSpirito!  Jamie gets sloppy second again, and I think if it happens one more time she’s going to cut a bitch.

10:12: Elimination Challenge: create an accessible dish for a live, two-and-a-half minute TV segment.  Carla is non-plussed.  May the spirit guides back her up.

Fabio is worried about explaining a dish in his not-perfect English.  No one is going to be listening to your actual words, Fabio.  I mean, I won’t be, so I assume the female morning-show viewership that will be watching won’t be either.

10:19: Everyone’s going behind the fish counter to cut their own fish.  Whole Foods fishmongers: SLACKERS.

10:20:  Melissa is actually getting screen time!  Unfortunately, she uses it to say nothing that means anything.

Jamie’s doing a salad that she’s demoed on TV before.  FAIL.  WAY too much “I’ve done this in my restaurant before” this season, with all the chefs.  If you’re gonna do that, at least don’t tell me you’re doing it.

10:22:  Daniel wants Bobby Flay’s career, with the restaurants and the too many televisions shows, he thinks he can bring the funny and “light up the camera.”  Brian: “Dude, you’re on camera RIGHT NOW.  You are DIMMING the camera.”

10:25: Ariane does a pretty good job!  And brings the Jersey accent, big time.

Jamie plates an undercooked egg.  Gail tries to save her: “How do you know when the egg’s done?”  She refuses to be saved.

10:28: Jeff’s making a whooziwhatsit.

Fabio: “I am fresh out of the boat.”  Everyone giggles.  See, what did I tell you?

10:29:  Daniel, “Ba-ba-booey”: not a good catchphrase.  I may have issues with Bobby Flay, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t get to where he is with terrible catchphrases.  Maybe you should set your sights on Emeril.

Lots of people fail to finish.  They’ve clearly never watched “The Next Food Network Star.”

10:31: Rocco: “Carla had a nervous energy that made me uncomfortable.”  That’s not nervous energy, it’s demon possession. Fabio is a “dream guest” (told you so!) and Rocco likes Jeff, possibly because they go to the same dermatologist for their twice-daily botox injections.

10:33: Top 3: Fabio (told you so!), Jeff, and Ariane.  Bottom: Jamie, Alex and Melissa, who sent Tom running for his mommy with her habanero shrimp.

Melissa: “The scariest thing about failing is failing.”


10:35: Surprise, top three! You get to wake up at ass o’clock in the morning to do your demos like on the today show.

Brian: “You know what’s great, Fabio wakes up looking good.”  My husband: now 97% more gay.

10:38: Coming up: Kathie Lee spitting up.  Can’t wait!

10:39: Commercials:  Phillip Seymour Hoffman v. Meryl Streep?  You’re going down, Hoff.

10:41: Oh, they don’t get to do their demos.  Sad.

The Kathie Lee spitting victim: Jeff.  There is no way to live that down.  NO WAY.

10:43: Winner: Ariane, supposedly because she was more original, but there’s not much that’s original about pairing tomatoes with watermelon and feta. And I am not just saying that because Fabio lost.

Her prize: “hand picked tools” from Rocco.  Brian: “It takes one to know one.”  Maybe he should write these things.  She also gets to do her demo on TV tomorrow morning.  I’m totally waking up to watch it, except I’m not.

10:46: Padma, re: Melissa: “The whole left side of my mouth was throbbing.”  That’s what she said!  Home cooks are not to be trusted with habanero peppers, because we are stupid.

10:48: Melissa seriously says nothing when she talks, I can’t even comment on it.  It’s kinda like listening to the teacher from Charlie Brown, but is somehow less coherent.

10:49: Ooh, the bus!  The throwing!  It’s the first of the season.

Rocco is pissed about the bad dishes.  Pissed like Grant Achatz when you serve him shitty s’mores.

10:54: Bizzaro interpersonal interlude with Leah and Hosea.  Stop. It. Bravo.

10:57: Judges’ Table.  Flood pants are the new fauxhawk.

10:58: Alex is packing his knives, as the bus runs him down and then backs up over him to make sure he’s really dead.  I will therefore spare him the nut punching.

10:59: Next week: Cooking for Gail’s reception.  Fabio continues to charm, and is totally going to have sex in the bathroom with one of the guests.

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 4

  1. i have never watched this before. agree with the weirdness of the cornflakes & zucchini flowers. oh, barf…..commercial for the real housewives of…some place. that’s a show?! people watch it?!

  2. b, there are MULTIPLE “housewives of…” shows. i’m sorry to have to break that to you.

    joyous, i miss you too. it’s still just me in that office. but i’m sorry, now that we’re no longer colleagues i’ll no longer be inviting you to social functions.

  3. Good God, this is the most amusing (and by that I mean funniest shit) I have read in a long time. Don’t have cable, so I had to crash my parents house tonight just so that I can finally watch the Bravo gold that is Top Chef. I’m with you…Fabio has it made in the shade. Not because he’s cute, or because his accent is sexy, or because he seems to know how to cook. Okak, maybe it’s just because he’s cute and sounds good. Anyhow, thanks for entertaining me daily.

  4. Me, I would be damn proud to make Kathie Lee gag something up. After all, she makes me spit up all the time.

    At the end when Alex said he ‘burned up’ on his dessert, he should have made a joke and said he BRULEED up. Ha!

  5. I know I am biased but I am so glad Ariane won last night! I am going to CulinAriane next week for dinner. You and Brian need to check out the restaurant!!!

  6. chedds, glad you dig it, thanks for stopping in! maybe you can catch up with the show on hulu? or just read the television without pity recaps, which are way longer and funnier anyway.

    jess, have you been before? i’ve heard good things, despite the terrible, terrible name that makes me instantly want to distrust it. i can’t wait to hear about it.

  7. Am I the only person already tired of immunity for the elimination challenge? I also thought Rocko was a little harsh when it came to Jamie. I mean, I think everyone can agree that she should have handled herself better but really, she’s a young chef. This is part of the learning experience. It isn’t like she continued to defend a dish that everyone said was inedible. At least Jamie’s personality (when she isn’t being sullen and sulky) isn’t that of a moldy dishtowel who doesn’t think it’s moldy like the sweedish dude. Not that I have anything against the Swedes. I love my Ikea. But you know what I mean.

    I also have to confess that I’m developing a soft spot for Jeff. I don’t want to be but he’s from Florida. I live in Florida. And a man that pretty who isn’t gay but is a chef in Miami – his life can’t be that easy. I’m just saying.

    And even though we all knew the guy who went home was going home because we saw him cry at the beginning of the show and then learned personal details about him throughout the show, I was still kind of hoping they would send Melissa home.

  8. julianne, rocco was pretty harsh across the board, at least compared to what i remember of him from this appearance last season. as for jamie, it’s hard for me not to be harsh when she said up front that (1) she’d made the dish before and (2) she’d already demo’d it on TV. although it is true that her level of sulk is nowhere near that of lisa from last season.

    melissa has to go next week, right? right?

  9. Sooooooo… Am I the only one here who’s playing the Fantasy Top Chef game on Bravo? ‘Cause my points stunk (stank? stinked?) this week.

    And I think I’m glad to finally know which one Melissa is. Eugene is flying under the radar… you all must admit that the chafing dish grill rig last week was pure genius!

  10. lisa, tim gunn has his own bravo reality empire to worry about.

    tracy, thanks! i get where he was going with the idea (i think) but they did end up looking like little poops on a plate.

    rebecca, i guess that’s a no! the only fantasy game is play is my fantasy tour de france league. yes, i’m a dork.

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