Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 3

T-minus one hour.  There will be cooking.  There will probably be some kind of Thanksgiving-in-July thing.  There will be Foo Fighters, which makes total sense.  We may finally figure out who Melissa is. Or, you know, not.

10:01: Last week: Ariane, you DON’T deserve it.  The universe does make mistakes.

10:04:  Quickfire:  Grant Achatz!  Still so thin, and so overshadowed by Padma’s horrific shirt.

10:07: Challenge; put your own spin on a recipe from the Top Chef cookbook.  Go Go Gadget product placement!

10:08: A shocking twist – turn your recipe into soup.  With SWANSON FUCKING BROTH.  Bravo: You are upstaging Grant Achatz for Swanson broth.  I don’t care if it is certified organic.  I hope you’re paying him a thousand million dollars.

10:10:  Brian: “Carla’s special ingredient:  Love.  And wizards.”

Liveblogging in a room with multiple chatty family members and two basset hounds and a computer with a marginally-working shift key = NOT EASY.  Pity me.

10:11: Johnny Goomba, where is your beard in this scene?  Damn magical – I demand continuity!

10:14: Jamie is vying for my love with Fabio.  But Leah wins the QF!

Is it just me, or does she look like the woman who used to be on SNL and was mostly known for the GAP “Cinch it!” sketch and her Jan Brady impression?  Which is not a good thing.

Does Grant Achatz have all his taste back after the cancer?  And is that going to be his only use this episode? Because that would be LAME. Don’t be lame, Bravo.

10:18: Elimination Challenge: Thanksgiving in July, for someone famous. Johnny Goomba guesses Trump, because he’s one of the most “powerfulest” men.  Sigh.

10:20:  It’s famed gourmands the Foo Fighters.  My favorite thing they’ve ever done, aside from that one music video where they made fun of Mentos* commercials: Participating in Andy Samberg’s “People getting punched just before eating” video.  Have you not seen it?  You should see it. (Added incentive: it has Jon Bon Jovi.)

Hosea:  “I’m from Boulder, I know how to cook for vegetarians.”

Hosea’s shirt: “Bacon is a vegetable.”

We’ll see about this.

*The Freshmaker!

10:21: Good evening, Rochester!

SHOCKING TWIST NUMBER TWO!  They’re cooking outside, and there are a LOT of microwave ovens.  GE microwave ovens, that is.  From the GE Monogram line of kitchen appliances.

Grant Achatz’s role in this placement-fest is increasingly embarrassing.  And he doesn’t even get to plug his own cookbook.

10:23:  Both teams deserve a smack upside the head for their team names: Team Sexy Pants (i.e., the cool kids) and Team Cougar (i.e., everyone else).

Team Cougar, give the weakest person on your team the turkey to do – smart move, since turkey’s so peripheral to Thanksgiving anyway.

10:25:  Whoever what’s-his-face is who’s talking about how Ariane is a hot cougar?  I want to punch him in the nuts.  The fact that Ariane finds it cute?  I want to punch her in the boobs.

Commercials: Daniel Radcliffe was worried that he might get “excited’ during a performance of Equus.  We all were, Daniel.  We all were.

10:29: Eugene and his chafing dish-grill – genius.

People: when you get picked for Top Chef? LEARN A FUCKING DESSERT.  Learn two.  It’s not hard.

10:32:  Fabio: “It starts to rain in my tiramisu!”  Seriously, how can you not love him? Answer: you can’t.

10:33:  Eugene: “We got it done by the skin of our ass.”  Ouch.

Richard, you’re cute, but get over your Tom-lust.  A clue:  it’s about 200% less endearing than you think.  When it starts to seem like you’d give him a reach-around for a win, it takes a turn.

10:34: Achatz is still here!  Thank god.

Blond Foo: “The mashed potatoes are a little al dente.”  Well played, Foo.

10:36:  Something about the line “I think the cougars have the better turkey” cracks me up.  But it does NOT absolve that cheftestant from a nut-punching.  Team “Sexy Pants” (sigh) takes dessert.

Jeff’s face – does it not move?  He’s too young for botox.  I’m a little scared.

10:38:  Why am I even bothering to post?  Because the Foos are acquitting themselves nicely, re: the snark factor.

Dave Grohl: “I’m going with Sexy Pants.”

10:40:  Johnny Goomba, why is your face so red?  And what are “party underpants”?  Is your face perhaps red because your party underpants are too tight?

10:44: Sexy Pants – and my boy Fabio – takes it!

10:45:  Team Cougar:  If your fucking food really was better than their fucking food, you would have won.  Also – you did NOT leave that kitchen clean.  Way to go, sour grapes.

10:47: Judge’s Table:  “Why do you think you’re here?”  “God made it rain.”  Goddamn, where is my tiny violin when I really need it? Because I need it now.  “I don’t know why I’m here, I think Lord Shiva dried out my stuffing.”  Invoking a diety in any way: NOT A VALID EXCUSE.

Jeff is put up as the leader: will we have our first cheftestant of the season thrown under a bus?

10:49:  Johnny Goomba; too much justifying.  And yet, I cannot disagree with the assessment “What is Thanksgiving without starch?”  Because without starch, how will we convey the vast amount of gravy it is necessary to convey from the plates to our mouths?

Grant Achatz: never has anyone devoted so much time to analyzing and dissecting s’mores.

10:50: Dessert people: I TOLD YOU SO.

Johnny Goomba’s name is Daniel!  Who knew?

Why do you hate s’mores, Grant Achatz?  Did a s’more kill your uncle?  I really hope not because (1) man, how embarassing and (2) I’m sorry to bring up that painful subject.

10:55: What’s with this random clips of interpersonal bullshit sandwiched between commercials?  Last week with the Hosea/Leah lovefest, this week with the peanut butter.  Fail, Bravo.  I don’t think this addition to the show is having the effect you thought it would have, because mostly I’m just confused and think someone in the editing room fell asleep at the switch.

10:57: Elimination: Apparently, the douchebag whose nuts I seek to punch is named Alex. Good to know.

On the chopping block:  Daniel, Richard and Alex.

Please, please Richard, keep it in your pants.

10:59:  Richard: pack those knives!  Bonus: no more Team Rainbow bullshit!  And yet, I disagree with this call – at least he tried to come up with an interesting concept and didn’t serve fucking undercooked potatoes. YOU CAN NOT UNDERCOOK WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AND CALL IT ‘AL DENTE.’  Does not compute.  “I have no idea why everyone is so sick; I always cook my pork al dente.”

Next week: Kathie Lee spitting out food!  Someone does get thrown under the bus!  Prince of Botox Rocco DiSpirito shows up, will he swap tips with Jeff?  And the show STILL features someone named Melissa!

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 3

  1. Thank you Eugene for backing up my opinion of your genius! And good-bye, Richard (or gay-bye as my hubby said.) I was getting REALLY tired of all his little cutesy poo crush-on-Collicchio confessions.

    …And I’m really irked at their microwave challenge. I don’t want microwaved food from a Chef. I want food that is so spectacular I couldn’t have made it myself. Sigh. No more vending machine/microwave challenges, please.

    One last thing. As Rochesterians, my hubby and I were pretty pleased to see them in our town. But Hegedorn’s?!? Puh-leeze. Hegedorn’s is nice and all, but are they joking? What about Wegman’s? Does Whole Foods have some anti-Wegman’s clause in their Top Chef contract? Weggie’s is vastly superior to Hegedorn’s in every conceivable way.

  2. I’m from Rochester too and was wondering the same thing, why not Wegman’s, who even shops at Hegedorn’s? We came up with maybe Wegman’s doesn’t have enough Butterball products to choose from as they were another oh-so-subtle product placement???
    The Whole Foods thing makes more sense. Good to see Rochester get a little air time though!

  3. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 4

  4. sara, i think you’re on it with the lack of butterball at your better markets – although i can’t help but think that wegman’s would have had them.

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