Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 2

Same bat time, same bat channel.  See you at 10!  Commentary starts below the jump…

You’re early.  I’m re-watching last week’s to try and get everyone’s name straight.  Damn platoon of contestants.

10:00: Here we go!  There are contestants.  There are prizes.  A Sarah Chalke lookalike and one of the red-faced baldies got sent home last week.  Who will pack their knives tonight?

10:02: Ariane feels like she deserves to stay. Which means she probably won’t.

10:03: Quickfire: Padma is painfully perky.  Donatella Arpaia is the guest.  They’re cooking something New Yorkers spend a bajillion dollars a year on…hot dogs.   Amount I spend a year on hot dogs in New York? Zero point zero dollars. BECAUSE NEW JERSEY HOT DOGS RULE.

10:05: HOT DOG PANIC.   Hot dog sushi would make me panic.

10:08: Dontatella to Jill: “Were you concerned about not making your own hot dog?”   Only possible answer: Yes.  FAIL

Hosea has bacon IN his hot dog. Swoon.

10:10: Padma, to Jamie: “There’s a piece of bone in mine.”  That’s what she said!

Radhika gets points – and victory – for embracing an Indian theme in her hot dog.  You know, because she said last week how she was going to rely on her Indian background throughout the competition.

Oh, wait.

10:15: Elimination Challenge: A 3-course New American lunch menu for 50 hungry, judgmental New Yorkers.  Also they will have guns.

10:17: Jeff does NOT have time for the soccer moms in the grocery store.  Note to Jeff:  There are not many soccer moms in the NYC Whole Foods (I’m not sure which one they’re in.  Liveblogging is hard without TiVo!).  Also, those that are there? Don’t have time for you, either.

10:18: Jamie: “Jill’s ostrich eggs are an interesting choice.”  Where “interesting” reads “batshit crazy.”

10:21: SHOCKING TWIST!  They’ll be cooking in Craft, and the guests are rejected Top Chef contestants.  So they’ll definitely have guns.

10:27: Is Carla related to that lady who can pop her eyeballs out of their sockets?

10:28: Fabio: “Colicchio is everything I want to be in my career.”  Bald and dickish?  He’s turning olives into…different olives?

10:31: Cute Richard withholds his opinion on Ariane’s lemon meringue.  Maybe I don’t want a hug from him after all.

One of the guests, making small talk with his table: “I don’t use any animal fat, I don’t use any butter.”  I wish I knew his name, so I could never, ever eat at his restaurant.

10:34: Donatella, on Hosea’s crab: “This is giving me a really slimy taste on the tongue.”  That’s what she said!

The olives-cum-olives are a hit. I won’t question what I don’t understand.

10:35: Donatella, on Jill’s ostrich quiche: “It tastes like glue.”  I find it hard to believe that Donatella has ever actually tasted glue. But I also love her a little.

10:37: Johnny Goomba’s dessert actually looks really good. Ariane’s lemon gets SPIT OUT INTO THE NAPKIN.  Though we already knew she was going home because of the stupid editors.

10:40: Tom is shocked that the Top Chefs could turn out sub-par food.  Has he not been the judge on this show for the past four seasons?

10:45: Judges Table: Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla and Jill.

10:46: I LOVE FABIO.  He’s tops along with Jamie and Carla. And he wins! And is poorly translated by the subtitlers.

That means Hosea, Ariane and Jill, you suck.

10:50:  My first glimpse of Jill’s ostrich quiche: FAIL.

10:52: Padma thinks the decision is pretty clear.  Another thing that’s pretty clear: Padma’s monotone has not improved over the past seasons, although god knows she comes off like a howler monkey on crack compared to Katie Lee Joel.

10:57: SHOCKER! Jill is packing her knives.  The editing monkeys pulled a fast one!

10:58: Ariane no longer feels like she deserves to stay. I can’t say I disagree.

Jill is tall and gawky and spastic and communicates poorly.  So we’ll be seeing her on the next cycle of America’s Next Top Model.

Next week: Thanksgiving in summer, with the Foo Fighters! Obviously.

So, what say you?

0 thoughts on “Liveblogging Top Chef: Episode 2

  1. I wish I was here while you were liveblogging. Whatever; I’m here now. So. I still can’t keep track of anyone. And I figured that Jill would go because, well, I only know that’s her name because you typed it. Don’t know her + lots of screen time = bye!

  2. sara, i still don’t have them all either. apparently there’s someone named melissa? who knew.

    i may try to do a roundup of who they are and what i think of them (after judiciously consulting bravotv.com to get my facts straight).

  3. There’s a Melissa? What have I been watching? The new olive/old olive thing kind of threw me, too. Even more shocking was that my husband asked me if I could try making them since everyone there seemed to like it. All of a sudden I’m married to the Ferran Adria fan club.

    I’m still sticking with Eugene even after his, cough, less than stellar performance this time around. Hot dog sushi and all.

  4. Melissa? Who? I’m heading over to Bravo.com right now. Actually, I should’ve done this two weeks ago; I forgot about the blogs! I hope they’re still there.

  5. The chick that went home, what’s her name, Jill? She looked like Geena Davis! Anyway, the very idea of eating an ostrich egg quiche didn’t blow my hair back. And hot dog sushi? I almost lost my dinner.

    Those olives? WTF was he doing to them? I think you need to find out and demonstrate here, for all our benefit.

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