Thursday Night Crapdown: Now with 83% more crazy!

Your dishware thinks you are a LOSER and it is NOT AFRAID to tell you. What’re you gonna do, not eat? Just internalize the insults and finish up your Hamburger Helper like a good rube. (Plates from Vandalized Vintage)

It is, of course, Thursday night – and the first Thursday of the month to boot – so by all rights I should be cooking something orange. But normal rules of engagement only apply in the absence of teh crazy. And teh crazy? It is on like fucking Donkey Kong right now.

Bear with me while I share, because afterward there will be much cuteness to erase the horror of this paragraph from your mind. You see, I have the vanilla crazy, which is mostly under control. But this week, I have the Rocky Road with Whipped Cream and a Cherry on Top crazy, wherein my reproductive organs go on a 4-month hiatus before coming back WITH A VENGEANCE, flooding my body with a metric kiloton of crazy-making hormones that bust right through all my meds.

I HAVE HAD MY PERIOD FOR 13 DAYS. You may think that’s TMI, but if you look deep down inside I think you’ll find that you really wanted to know that. 13 days. Just think about that for a minute, then try to blame me for failing to smack anything down.

I did produce some dinner, but I wasn’t cooking in my kitchen, didn’t have my camera, and don’t have PhotoShop on this computer. Consequently, the picture of my chicken with mushroom-sherry gravy looks not unlike dog food and I am electing not to post it.

Instead, I’m taking this opportunity to start a new feature here: Kitchen Crap. Along with food blogs, I read a lot of design blogs and compulsively tag many a culinary tchotchke that is either painfully functional or painfully cleverly designed but that I can’t fit into my new budget or apartment-size kitchen. But YOU should have these things, and so I will direct you to them. There are no affiliate or kickback schemes going on here; I’m not trying to make a buck. It’s not going to be a regular thing; more like a too-lazy-to-cook-tonight thing, so I thought tonight was as good a time as any for the first installment.

This Forked UP flatware storage tile from Thout Furniture, pictured above left? I covet it with a love that is unholy. The magnetic wall tile accommodates all kinds of flatware. Best cutlery storage device ever, or THE BEST?

These bowls are made from logs. Big. Heavy. Wood. You know what they are: they’re better than bad – they’re good.

Everyone wants a log.

Come ON, get your log.

I have an overwhelming urge to eat cereal out of these logs that is somewhat frightening in its intensity.

If I had a larger kitchen table, lots of money and less rambunctious dogs, I’d get a bunch of them to use as a centerpiece and fill them with found objects, tiny pebbles, small fruits, spare keys, twigs, berries, etc. One would also be great next to the stove as a salt cellar to replace your twee Nigella salt pig. Not that I’m judging.

I know, I know, you’ve seen Mr. and Mrs Jones Juicers before. I don’t care. To me, they are everything a juicer should be.

They’re also kind of an Inferno-esque torture for the good Jonses. Like, maybe during life Mr. Jones was a shitty phlebotomist who needlessly caused many people minor discomfort, and now he’s doomed to an eternity of having citrus juice constantly rubbed all over him, penetrating his every open wound, however minor. I’m willing to entertain the idea that I may be reading too much into that.

Sometimes things in the kitchen don’t always go as smoothly as we’d like. I mean, that never happens to me, but I assume the less talented among us are occasionally overwhelmed when our culinary hubris outstrips our culinary ability.

On those rare occasions we should all take a hint from the perennially stiff upper lip of the British government, who, during WWII, kept the populace peaceful and productive with its “Keep Calm and Carry On” signs, which I have to assume were more successful at assuaging hysteria than the U.S. attempt, “When You Drive Alone, You Drive With Hitler.”

Thanks once again to the Brits, we can have this motto in dish towel form. Let us rejoice that there is no American analogue for this product. (“When You Purchase Foreign Oil, you Give Osama Bin Laden a Hand Job.”)

I love this set of 2 mugs for exactly 3 reasons, no more, no less:

  1. The double-mugedness of it, which gives me somewhere to hold my cookies and even to warm them over a hot beverage, if I so choose.
  2. The color combo of the pear green and deep teal.
  3. The fact that the text (look closely, there’s white text on one of the pears) reads, “A bird found many fruits!” Because what the fuck does that mean, and why is it on my mug.

Ergo, I need this mug. Another version is available depicting children and birds in a tree, reading, “Welcome to the top of the tree. What can you see from there?” Is this a rhetorical question? Is it a fucking Zen koan? These mugs are TOO SUBTLE FOR MY MIND.

Last but not least, I’ve always had a crush on this olive oil dish. As someone who loves olive oil as a food in and of itself, and not just as an additive or cooking fat, I’m in love with the way this little number shows off the gorgeous color of good olive oils with its gradually deepening gradations.

I’m not really into buying single-purpose items for the kitchen because I don’t really have the space to handle them, but I think I’ll be making an exception for this.

Fin.

Future Kitchen Crap posts will focus on one kind of item (I’m working on an exciting collection of cruets as we speak! Gasp!), so if there’s anything you’d like to see, drop me a line. In the meantime, I really do apologize for biffing out on the Smackdown, but eagerly await all your orange concoctions!

23 thoughts on “Thursday Night Crapdown: Now with 83% more crazy!

  1. a thirteen day period? i’d be smacking something and it sure wouldn’t be a recipe. it’d be something like, oh, i dunno, a male within reach.

  2. I can’t even speak to the 13 days–the very idea is too much for me, and I am sorry.

    But that tea towel? LOVE IT. And might buy it for my MiL, who has much more of a tendency than I do to start flying around in a frenzy. I’m the British one in the household (only in terms of temperament), and she is ALL-AMERICAN.

  3. Wow, I really want those towels. How very English, for any situation from war to tepid tea! Except I’d accidentally wash them with some shirts and would be wearing splotchy pink for months.

    Alas, I was 38,000 feet up last night during the challenge last night, flying home, so we missed the First Thursday. Orange is Christey’s favorite color, too.

  4. I’ve wanted a “Keep Calm and Carry On” poster for at least a year now, and I actually finally bought a mustard-y color one yesterday for the kitchen!

    Thanks for validating my purchase! I feel cool.

  5. 13 days does suck. I had a 21 day period once, and also (TMI – if you can’t handle the truth, stop now) it was heavy heavy period (think tampon + pad & changing both every 2 hrs) that ended in anemia and crying phone calls to the gynecologist about when and how they were going to make it all stop.

    Hopefully you & your doctor have things under control. Look at it as a good reason to eat all the red meat & ice cream you want. Red meat because of the iron. Ice cream because, well, it’s ice cream and always comforting in times in trouble.

    I actually did make something orange yesterday – sweet potato & pear soup. But I didn’t take any pictures.

  6. “What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs
    Rolls over your neighbor’s dog?
    What’s great for a snack and fits on your back?
    It’s Log, Log, Log!”

    Ummm, I don’t think I’ll feel sorry for your 13 days of crap because this damn song will be stuck in my head for 13 days.

  7. I’ve dealt with the 13 days before. It can happen when you go off the pill. It’s hell and you have my deepest sympathies. On a different note, all of those items are awesome. Love the Ugly and Dumb bowls.

  8. 13 days??? Oh man. Maybe it’s also a good idea to take some iron supplements? At least a multivitamin. You could have a cyst or endo. Just don’t let it go on too long without seeing a Dr.

    Sorry I nipped at your Goop post … had I known ….

  9. thanks all, for the concern about my health. i am under the care of doctors, so no worries there. also, the bathtub seems to have finally drained, if you catch my drift.

    rachel, i’ve gone back and forth on the voodoo knife holder. i think it’s a little too alessi looking for my taste, but i am drawn to it. also, i think i would be MORE likely to buy a house if i saw one of those in it.

    anna, heh, i validated someone. i feel powerful. kinda.

    ECM, but that’s not a BAD thing. the log jingle is fun! all together now!

    traci, no worries.

  10. I love this new blog topic. I can’t get through all the fun kitchen goodness on my own and I appreciate you doing the leg work for me. These are great finds.

  11. Sucks…Love the post though!!!

    Have you ever tried “Evening of Primrose” for hormonal fluctuations? Kept me off Prozac…works great for me so I wanted to throw it out there!

  12. laura, really? i love the log bowls! they’re just so…barky.

    allie, i know! it’s almost difficult to look at the photo, i want it so very much.

  13. Pingback: thursday night smackdown » Cheap Ass Monday: Just eat a fucking burrito, already.

  14. log bowls would make excellent dog dish!

    keep calm and carry on poster just makes my blood pressure go up. i don’t think it’s supposed to do that. and i generally like all things pre-war and british.

  15. I have also BTDT with the longlonglongperiodhell. Mine culminated in fainting in the gyno’s office when the lab tech came and took a blood sample, ha! Sympathies and well wishes, etc.

    I have also just been utterly, irrevocably convinced (not that I had doubts before, yaknow) that your kind of crazy is the kind of crazy I adore. I wanted to do the orange First Thursday, and even have two quarts of orange goo fresh pumpkin pack in the fridge for the purpose, but it just… didn’t happen. So I suppose I have to keep coming back, at least until next month!

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